Jump to content

I just feel like poo


lennonsgirl

Recommended Posts

Hi, everyone:

For the past week or so I've been in this sort of malaise. I'm neither up or down, happy or sad; I just am. Nothing seems to matter to me, nothing seems to get a reaction out of me. My alarm went off this morning and as I turned it off I realized I had tears in my eyes. I don't cry often about Mom's passing. I want to but I'm afraid if I grieve the way I want to that I will never stop or I'll give myself a heart attack or have some type of mental snap. I just feel like I can't deal with it so I guess I'm not dealing with it the way one normally would.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I bought a car. My first car (yes, at 29 years old) and I lost it at the dealership. Two of my good friends were there and they were so excited for me but I just felt so miserable. Then, I gave in and had a cry and said, "my Mom would have been so proud of me. She should be here. She'd want to be here." I found a new apt. to move to (I have to get out of here--this is where she stayed when she was sick and passed) and this is the first time my Mom hasn't been able to give me her awesome thoughts about my apt. hunt. I'm going to sign a lease without knowing for sure I've picked the best possible place to live. I also sold the bedroom furniture. I found it impossible to go into the bedroom (that's where that final awful night was) and could not possibly take that furniture with me on my move. It was so hard, though, because if she exists in any form anywhere I don't want her to think I'm trying to move her out of my life. I want nothing more than to have her here. I plan on selling most of my furniture (excluding a newer couch I had bought) b/c I just feel like I can't take any of this with me.

All of this "good" stuff is happening but I just feel horrible. I can't enjoy it. I become overwhelmed when I think about living the rest of my life without her in it and all of the things she would've wanted to be there for but can't. I cannot wrap my head around being 40 and continuing to feel the way I do now.

I also had a dream about her the other day. In the beginning, after she passed, she would always tell me how sorry she was but that she couldn't take the pain. Then, I would see her in dreams but not be able to talk to her--my Granny would always fill in for her (who I previously could never talk directly to in a dream). Then, she would seem her normal, happy, silly self. This past night I had a dream and she said, "I'm so sorry." Again, if she exists anywhere I want her to know I'm not mad at her. I'm mad this happened to her, to me, to everyone that's ever been touched by cancer.

I just feel so overwhelmed. The energy it took to get off of my couch (that's where I've slept since her passing) was almost too much to think about just to get to the computer. I take my anti-depressants, I just had an appt. with my therapist, why do I still feel like my world or my mind is about to come to an end? I'm just so lost, so lonely without her. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining to my friends and family about how I feel so I don't say anything. This really is the only place I feel like I can be dead honest about my feelings.

I hope I didn't bum everyone out and I apologize for the long post.

Kim

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Vent, Scream, Throw things, but get it out. If you keep all the grief bottled up, You will go nuts eventually. I talk to Deb Been 18 months this month and spent the whole day yesterday pretty much cryin and listening to sad country music. I know how you feel. Some mornings, you want to throw the alarm clock out the window and scream at the world to go away and leave you alone. So do it. Guarantee, you will feel better. Vent away any time you want and nnever apologize for a long Vent or Whatever you chose to call it. We are always around for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen with. Something I keepo is a memorial box with Debs wedding dress and many more Fave memories in it like all our photos and memories of the fun times. Also few medical records for reference for here in case of emergency.

Hang in there and hope the sun shines a little brighter today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kim,

Dont ever feel like you have to apologize for your feelings here. We all get it. You are so young and you are right that your mom should be here to enjoy all the new and wonderful things happening in your life. I am 43 and i should be old enough to handle that fact that my mom isn't with me anymore but there are times that I also just feel numb and times that I cry for no apparent reason. I am sure your mom is watching over you and that she is aware of how you feel. I hope that your new place is great and enjoy your new car You deserve it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kim,

How can you aplogize to folks who feel the same way? I'm with you on this. Many of your words could have been mine.

I think you hit on a key word I have been struggling with....how LONELY grief is. I have a great family, and I am so thankful for them, but even in their midst I feel this bone-crushing lonliness. I don't know how we face that, or even ever get past it, but I have to think it will happen eventually.

I had to close-out my Mom's house, and I certainly couldn't keep much of anything. I donated all of her furniture to her favorite charity, which I knew would make her happy. It was hard, but I couldn't warehouse a whole house of furniture, and I make myself believe that somewhere there are happy families sitting around her table, or sleeping in her bed, or watching TV together on her couch.

We are with you right now. I just wish I could say SOMETHING to take this pain away from you. I always tell my daughter (and myself), that if we hadn't loved them so much, and been loved by them, we wouldn't miss them so much. Small consolation, I know.

Kelly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for posting. I hope it helped you to write it...it certainly helps me to read it and the replies to it.

Although all of our circumstances are different- the grief is so simliar in so many ways.

I could have written your post and I could have writte Kelly's reply.

There are days when I am on auto-pilot. Everyday I am lonely. I am lucky in my life to have a home and a family of my own...but I am so lonely and feel so alone. I am hiding within myself- because the grief is so immense.

I know it gets gentler. Its the journey into this next phase of our lives that is so hard. remember that we continue to be here for you.

I'm sending hugs and positive thoughts that things will get gentler for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Kim,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with your grief. But it will make you feel better if you can just let it out, instead of holding back.

You are very lucky that it seems your mom visits you in your dreams. Don't you know what she is saying? She was in so much pain she had to go and certainly did not want to leave you.

She is in a much better place now, pain free and at peace. She does not want you to spend your time constantly thinking and grieving for her. She wants you to get on with your life.

I also believe that she is definetly here for you. She knows about your apartment, heck she may even had a handle in your picking it out. She doesn't mind you selling her things, she understands and does NOT hold you accountbale in anyway. So don't put yourself on a guilt trip.

Please try to let this grief out and I know you will feel better. You will get to a point where it will be bearable but you will always have those days when it will overwhelm you.

You seem like you two were extremely close and you were really lucky to have that kind of special relationship.

Last Thursday, was the 2nd anniversary of my mom's death and it just took me over by suprise... horrible day. But it's over and I know she would want me to move on.

One day (way down the road) you will see you mom again and it will be a glorious reunion. Meantime honey, just hang in there, but please let the grief out!

Your mom will always live on your heart deep inside in the space that is just for moms.

We are always here for you. You can vent at anytime. My heart aches for what you are going through.

Maryanne :cry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First don't aapologize, your grief is very real, and we all get it.

Second, many of your words ring very real to me. You say, "if she exists anywhere". I feel like you know she does, as I know mom does. But for some reason you aren't convinced. I SO feel this way too. For me it is because I want her to exist so badly, I want that more than I've ever wanted anything...and because I want it so bad and can't put my finger out and touch it...it feels like it is almost TOO wishful.

As far as her now "knowing" she knows more now that she could have ever known while here. The feelings we have, they can tune right into. They know what we want more than anything...to have them back.

And as far as happy life events...tell me about it. I think of it as a great movie ... but it's only broadcast in black and white. The substance of the happy stuff is there...new car, new apt. But it doesn't have its luster without sharing it with Mom...boy do I get it!!!

Hang in and post when you need us. We're around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been struggling with this lately, too. The loneliness, the things she "should" be here for, the terrible ache at her not being here...and the "what ifs" of what happens when those we love (and ultimately, we) die.

Please, don't apologize for feeling like you do, as you can see, there are many of us who feel the same way and are walking with you.

Many prayers and lots of love...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are doing the best things for yourself and although it doesn't feel good, you are doing what your mom would want you to to as well. I know my mom is glad in some small way that I am letting some things go (her death bed) and even though I miss the house so deeply, I have not driven by. I think I am finally realizing that it will nver be as it was and to try to make it so just hurts so much. I would do the same things if I were you and I promise, though my mom has only been gone over a year, my dad has been gone for nearly 4 and I do feel better. Not that it doesn't ever bring me to my knees, it is just not every day anymore. By the time you are 40, it will still hurt, sometimes be agonizing, but never as bad as it is now.

Hugs to you, you are an amazing strong woman and your mother is proud, and that is all she thinks of you, she is proud and she loves you and she can see what a wonderful woman she raised. She knows you and your heart and knows everything you feel for her.

AS a parent and a daughter, I just know she would want you to feel better and keep moving forward.. not move on, not forget, just move forward out of the intense pain.

Also.. when I dream about my mom, she never talks directly to me either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Kim,

My heart hurts reading your post. I know, I know. It's amazing how much the presence of our mom in this world validates every aspect of our lives. Not having her here is so unthinkable, and when it happens it's like a nuclear bomb went off and your just staggering around in a grey landscape. I guess that sounds dramatic, but I think it's true.

I'm thinking of you tonight. You have an inner strength that you don't even realize you have...hang in there...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.