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sibling setbacks ? anyone have them?


KatieB

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There are benefits to being an only child....and then their are benefits to being in a big family.

I'm the youngest of many and because of a large age difference, I felt like I grew up an only child- I was my parents daughter- my mom kept the problems and issues away from me and out of my life. My life, and growing up with them was happy and peaceful...

Now that both of them are gone- the siblings are coming back into my life with issues and personalities that I've never known or known how to deal with.

I could go on for months here (insert long winded story about issues and conflict- but I will spare everyone that)

How do you handle it?

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I don't know, Katie. But if any issues are not relevant to your life, then you might want to bow out. I hope I don't sound harsh, but you have to put your own self-preservation first!

Sadly, the matriarch of the family is gone, and she likely setteled many squabbles and interceded between your siblings. But that is not your job to fill, unless you wish it to be so.

I am sure you are good at being as diplomatic as possible, but sometimes you just have to say, "I am certain you will work it out yourselves." However, when the issues do involve you, then you really have a duty to speak up.

I really wish you did not have to deal with the garbage that often comes with family.

regards,

Karen

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It usually turns my anger into disappointment and sadness.

THAT'S exactly it!

I am certain they would never act this way if my parents were still alive!

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I dont know if this is similar or not but...

I AM an only child but my husband has 2 sisters and a brother...I never really had to deal with having siblings and now I am kind of forced into the situation a bit more with my husbands illness..ie dealing with personalities family issues etc etc...

it is all new to me! and I totally agree about positives and negatives on both sides of the fence!

hope it gets better for you!

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Katie,

I wouldn't be to sure to suggest that your siblings DIDN'T ACT this way when your parents were a live. I have a feeling that they DID ACT this way and I think your mom and your dad just handled it and didn't drag you in on it. Kind of like "what you don't know won't hurt you."

How your siblings are acting isn't something that just happened in 5 months time. I have a feeling they have been this way for a very long time. Sadly enough your just now seeing the ugly side of there behavior and I have a feeling that your mom and dad kept that from you as to somewhat protect you.

And then there is the saying "They come out of the woodwork after the loss of a loved one" It's shocking to see the true colors of some of our relatives. :shock: And it's sad as well. :(

Hang in there, this to shall pass.

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Luckily I don't have these issues with my brothers. Strangely enough (don't know why I consider it strange), my Mom did with her brother, but it never really showed until after my grandparents' deaths. My uncle went so far as to steal things from my grandparents' house when he stayed there for the funerals.

My mom and aunt were so hurt and upset (last-straw stage) that they severed communication with him. I think they did it out of self-preservation, but I think it bothered Mom at the very end. She boxed up some stuff to send to him. Her younger brother kept up with the uncle, but he waited until a week after Mom's funeral to even tell him she died (afraid he would show up at the funeral and upset my aunt). I haven't heard anything from him.

Don't know why I'm saying all this. I do know that Mom found her way to deal with her sibling issue. It may not have been the best way, and I pray it won't come to that with you, but she had to do what was necessary to 'protect' herself emotionally.

Praying for some resolution for you---at least some peace.

:) Kelly

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Sorry you're having to go thru this Katie, but I too believe it's not new behaviour from them, you have simply been shielded from it and so it's new to you. I have a totally disfunctional family that from time to time, over the years, I've had to disassociate myself from as an act of self preservation. Some folks in this world are toxic and you have to protect yourself from them or risk becoming ill yourself. Good Luck

wendyr

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Oh Katie...I'm so sorry you're having to deal with siblings, too.

I have way too many long-winded stories of dealing with siblings (one in particular) and adulthood has only shown me that some things will never change. That being said...your question was what do we do.

I ignore her. It's HARD to do, because there are times I'd much rather fight with her...but I don't. I found out that ignoring her (and her behavior that's upsetting/disappointing) works the best. The last time that she and I were together, things went very well, actually.

Sending much love and many prayers your way...

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Katie-

It is so amazing how much our moms shield us from things, or how even how people can change for the worse when Mom is gone. I have seen this time and again, esp. in my husband's family. My oldest brother has always been pretty cynical and miserable, and I almost felt sorry for him when my mom died b/c quite frankly, I think she is only person in this whole world that loved him completely unconditionally, that her presence in this world kept him from being a pretty crappy person...and I believe that he felt that deep down (even though the surface didn't really crack when her wake was held on his 50th birthday and he left the funeral home before the viewing was over to get onto an all-important work-related conference call in his car).

It's a painful thing, and sometimes so surprising. Moms truly are the glue that hold families together, the common bond...

(( Hugs ))

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Katie,

I'm from a family of four children, three of whom are alcoholics, I'm the "outsider".

I remember a day when my sisters were my best friends and my oldest sister was my mentor, now I feel such a sense of loss and deep sadness when I think of them, I rarely see them for obvious reasons.

Kathy

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I coudl write a b0ook about this... I just returned from a week with my brother. It was ugly at times. If mom had been there it wouldn't have been, we would have tried harder for her. I only wish I had good advice. The best thing for me and my opionated brother is the oh so healthy AVOIDENCE. I avoid him and I plan to seek counseling for professional advice before all is said and done.

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