Wierd Coincidence

[Treebywater]

So I know... I know that since I'm approaching the 2 year mark, I'm supposed to come here and tell you that I lost my Mom two years ago and that makes me sad, but I have processed through my grief with leaps and bounds, and I'm not done yet, but darn it I am a self-actualized girl who doesn't carry things too far.

And most of the time... Most of the time I am walking around fine... still hurting over the loss of my Mom because I always will, but not so actively mourning.

But this little coincidence, and the coming week... Well, they are putting me right back...

It's interesting having Abbie... and having Andy leave with Abbie the exact same age as Carolyn was when he left for the last go around (at which point we went back to be with Mom). It triggers a whole lot of memories... of Carolyn meeting Mom, of being with Mom, of hot, sticky summer evenings with Mom snoozing and me sitting on the loveseat in the back room of Mom and Dad's house trying to soak everything in and get my head around all that was happening, or sitting with Mom in the living room, both of us in our respective chairs and Mom talking about baseball games, and movies she'd seen with her younger siblings, and how happy she was to be awake, to smell things, to be alive.

Abbie has her two month check up on Wednesday. She gets shots that day too. Here is where the weird coincidence comes in....

Carolyn had her 4 month check up the very same day in July two years ago. She also had shots that day. I remember this because that was the last 'normal' thing that happened really, before Mom died. The doctor's office we went to was in Mom's home town and she gave me directions on how to take the backroads without skipping a beat--every single turn and landmark. A week later she didn't know my name.

The day after shots, she went to the doctor to find out if she would be approved for the Perifosine trial. She left in a wheelchair. I couldn't go with her because Carolyn had a fever and on the off chance it wasn't from the shots I didn't want to expose people getting chemo to any germs.

That was the day we were told Mom needed hospice.

The next day Mom signed on the dotted-line, and from there it was just an incredibly fast decline until she died a week later.

Am I crazy for finding the coincidence both eerie and depressing? I suppose it's just a little thing. Who remembers what day their kid got shots right? If only that had been the only remarkable thing about that week.

Anyway... I can say these things here, and so I am.

I miss her... And I will remember the last days one by one as we walk through them on the calendar agian. Maybe that seems maudlin or morose to some... but to me it's an act of love.

[missyk]

Val...

First, I don't think you're werid to remember the days that led up to your Mom's death very specifically...I have a feeling I will, too because right now they're pretty well burned into my mind. That includes the "shot day".

Bittersweet memories are still memories and there's nothing wrong with treasuring them just as much as you treasure the laughter and happiness in life.

**Great big hugs to you**

[laban]

Remember what Ann says,

"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love ~ for the heart never forgets."

Every time I read that it gives me such peace.

[kamataca]

It isn't weird--it's impossible to ignore those dates on the calendar. That is natural and normal--it is unhealthy when we try to force ourselves to forget or ignore it. Like that ever works.

It is hard to balance our natural, ingrained memories with our 'need to show grief'--as if to show our respect and our devotion to the one who died. I'm not accusing you of this, mind you, but growing up it always seemed like we were supposed to take time off to be sad on my Dad's b-day and the anniversary of his death. I don't know how to explain it. It wasn't just, "This would have been Dad's b-day, so I'm sad," but instead, "Dad's b-day is coming up next week, so we are supposed to be sad then." Not judging my Mom (now--I did back then)--she did the best she could, but it always seemed like an unnatural grief to me.

I hope you are able to catch glimpses of the good and happy times as these dates roll past. Take care of yourself.

Kelly

[lilyjohn]

YOU ARE GRIEVING!!!

Grief is not something we turn on and off at will. It is like an old shirt that you get so used to wearing that you start to forget that it is there until something suddenly reminds you, then, well you know the rest.

It will be 5 years in December sense Johnny died. My life has changed so much and so many times but I still wear that old shirt. Then these days come up and I feel as if someone slaps me in the face and the sting of it penitrates every pore in my body.

You don't get over grief for someone you love. You just start to wear it differently. Those dates will always be with you. I can remember every detail of Johnny's last days and weeks. My late night ramblings a few nights ago were because of the time of year it is. My first days with Johnny and his diagnosis.

So don't feel bad. You are perfectly normal. And remember sometimes those wisps of memory are your mom dropping by to let you know that she hasn't forgotten either.

[Kasey]

(((Val)))......I can 'walk through' more than just the last few weeks of my own mothers's leaving and she has been gone over 22 years now. I can remember every detail of the last week. And since she died the day before Valentine's Day and I took candy to the nurses......well, that day hold a special place in my memory bank as well. You will ALWAYS remember, Val. And this is how it should be.

Love,

Kasey

[Ann]

((((((Val)))))

I do this so often, when thinking about Dennis. There are so many things that trigger memories in my mind and the pain becomes as fresh as it was the day I lost him. He used to tell me, that in the case the cancer won and he passed away, to always think of him and that would keep him alive. Just last night, I was having one of those "I really need you" moments and felt him really close by. I am always amazed at how little things can trigger my memory and bring back the happenings of his illness, as if they happened yesterday. Oh, how we all miss our loved ones that have left us but I do believe their love is with us every day.

[Ann]

((((((Val)))))

I do this so often, when thinking about Dennis. There are so many things that trigger memories in my mind and the pain becomes as fresh as it was the day I lost him. He used to tell me, that in the case the cancer won and he passed away, to always think of him and that would keep him alive. Just last night, I was having one of those "I really need you" moments and felt him really close by. I am always amazed at how little things can trigger my memory and bring back the happenings of his illness, as if they happened yesterday. Oh, how we all miss our loved ones that have left us but I do believe their love is with us every day.

[Mskim]

(((((((val)))))))

I know. Little details of things that are happening take me back and hurt me. I am experiencing so much of that right now too. I am glad you said something because I keep feeling guilty for being sad all over still and again.

[MomsGirl]

Val,

My one-year mark is coming up and I'm already starting to walk through the events leading up that awful day...or should I say week. I so like the way your phrased it as an act of love. Gave me a little peace.

I think of you often and your sweet girls. It must be so hard with your husband shipped out. PM me anytime, and hugs are going out to you tonight...