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I still can hardly breathe. I wake up 4 or 6 times a nite and damn if I don't look over and see our daughters sleeping where Karen should be. Sometimes before I open my eyes, I listen for the sound of her breathing, like I listened every night for the last 11 months of her life. I think - this would be so much easier if I knew where she is. She is in an urn on top of the tv cabinet in our bedroom. But where IS she? Heaven is a hard one. I tell our girls she is our angel now living in heaven with God. But if God and Jesus have the power to turn water into wine, resurrect a soul, and then there is the whole parting of the Red Sea thing and Lazarus - then why is my wife dead? Why weren't my prayers answered? She would have turned 51 4 days after she died. 51. So young. And our girls are so young. They need their mommy. I need their mommy. Waking up isn't difficult, I hardly sleep. It is the doing my day that is almost unbearable. The act of getting up and getting dressed and getting the girls to camp and cooking meals and everything else that I have to do to get our girls thru the day. I enjoy nothing. But love our girls. Love them so much and wish I could be someting I am not - happy. I can't even smile, not even when they are being so darn cute the rest of the world is laughing. Thnaks for listening.

Anne

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I know it's just words, but I am so, so sorry for the gut-wrenching grief you are experiencing. Sometimes it's hard to even remember to breathe.

I can't answer your faith questions for you--only you can do that. I know that times like these are the hardest to have faith, but it seems like its when we need it the most. My dad died when I was 8, and I wrestled with that for years. It's easier for me now. It's nice that you are trying to give your daughters something to believe in, though, even if it is hard for you right now.

This does suck. No getting around it. The lack of sleep makes it so hard to function as well. I hope you get some relief from the insomnia. There isn't much I can offer you, except to know that we are here, we care, and many folks have an idea of what you are going through.

Please take care of yourself while you are taking care of your daughters. I'll be praying for you.

Kelly

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Anne-

I wish I could take all the hurt and pain for all of us and carry it...just to give everyone else a break for a while because Lord knows we could use a break. I burned dinners for a while, didn't hear someone talking right next to me, even had to reevaluate driving sometimes because I just wasn't *here*. I was in my own head.

Your struggles with *where* is she are not just you, either. I just did a blog about that very thing last night...well, this morning...at 3am...I don't sleep so well now-a-days either.

We're with you...keep posting, vent, it does help!

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It does suck....

And the part about being happy...it's ok to not be happy right now...you are grieving. It's ok to be sad. You can only do what you can do.

And I know so much about not being able to sleep...I was awake for about 4months it seemed. Ask for some help getting sleep. I tried OTC tylenol PMs and they worked great. Dr. Recommended Ambien, but I haven't had to do that yet.

Letting your body rest will help you deal with what happens during the day. Many times, we just can't shut off our brains and our bodies get so run down.

Know that you aren't alone. Keep posting and keep venting- it really helps.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your girls.

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I kjnow all too well the painof which you speak Iremember those days and nites. Stll have them sometimes. Sometimes, we have to wonder why god does this to us. We cry and we feel guilt about what we could and should and would have done to change things. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes god needs us for something and he can only tell that person face to face, we will all be reunited someday eventually. but in the meantime we stay here until god needs us.

Some things that helped me and still do sometimes. Signs. Things happen every day that remind us of our loved ones. Mine is the bunny rabbits, and whenI see them I have a good day cause I know Deb is around. Somke people say the wind blowing reminds them of the fact that their loved ione can huff and puff great big bursts of air. every one is different. Take each day as it comes, Remember the good times not the sad tragic ending and the suffering that our loved ones went through.

Lastly try this link. It will make you cry but I thiiink it may help. It works for me and is on my Fave list at the top for every day.

http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/limit-cancer.php

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Anne,

I can't imagine your pain. Your love for Karen has been so evident in all of your posts and so I am not surprised that you are in pain. I don't have any words that can take away the pain--I wish I did.

You can believe Karen is with God without understanding why bad things are allowed to happen. I don't think anyone of us will ever understand that. Please just know that we will be here for you.

Susan

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I am so sorry Anne! There is just nothing easy about losing the love of your life. You described it so well with kind of going through the emotions with your girls and trying to act happy, and even though you love them so much, you are just not happy right now. There will be few who can understand the depth of a loss so great, including your own children. They feel the loss too, and will grieve too, in their own way and it is very difficult to be able to grieve your deep sorrow and be supportive to your children's grief journey too. It is a delicate balance and it hit me square in the nose about a month after my hubby died that my kids needed me more than I was able to give. It can be overwhelming and if you have support, maybe that will help through some of the more difficult times.

My thoughts are with you! I am so sorry! I am here if you need.

Hugs...Flowergirlie

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