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now I understand.....


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I now understand when people say they dont cry b/c they know they might not be able to stop...

I have been crying off and on all day long but I turn it off and try to keep myself busy...

it hasnt been 24 hours yet... I am just starting to really realize how hard this is going to be and how much I will miss him....

it is also hard b/c I just spent 4 months being his primary caregiver AND taking care of all of the house duties and my job (I worked at home till a month ago)and then the past week was incredibly hard with how much he needed me and how little sleep I got...not I dont know what to do with myself...

I was going to take a couple of weeks off work to get things done and even though that I would go ahead and take care of the surgery I needed in April...but..I dont think I could stand to see another hospital for a long time...

anyway... I am thinking I am going to go nuts here fast and should just take care of what I can next week and just go back for now...

I mean...I sit here and realize i have no plans Saturday...just a small thing Sunday and not much druing the week until the Service...

I did make an appt with Soc Security for my daughters benefits...I just feel like I want all of this "stuff" over and done with so I can move on...

I know we are all different... I told SIL's that

not to be surprised if you came back in week and the whole house was redecorated! I dont want a bunch of reminders... I know some want everything the same...

I dont feel that way...I already cleaned the room he was in and removed all trace of medical supplies etc!! ....although if I change everything I am afraid that I will be sad that I did b/c that will be further proof that nothing will ever be the same again...

I just really didnt think I would have to be dealing with somehting like this at 43!!!

my daughter will prob keep me busy for the next couple of years but then she will graduate and I will be alone again....

I had him almost 10 years (married almost 9)

but now I face a possible40-50 without....

it is just too much to deal with right now....

I know this is long...I just needed to get it out!!!

I miss him so much already!!!!

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Wow Cindy,

His battle really was short and you really haven't had enough time to process his diagnosis, let alone his death. I'm so very sorry.

Do what you have to do to get through this and try not to worry about what others think of your grieving process. It's yours and yours alone. You own it and they can't buy it as much as you would like to sell.

I wish you and your family peace during the days ahead.

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I am so sorry Cindy!

There is nothing I can say that will help. Please know that I keep you in my prayers. I understand how you feel losing your husband so young. It isn't supposed to be like this. It isn't right and it isn't fair. I lost my husband way too young too.

Cry, let it out. Know that you will cry until you are empty and then cry some more. It's ok.

It's alright to write long posts (I think I'm the queen of long posts). If it helps you lift some of that crushing weight from your heart then let it out.

Sending you and your daughter my love and prayers


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There is nothing that anyone can say that will relieve your pain. I'm sure that in the next few weeks you will hear so many of the things we all hear at that stage of our loss. Most people really don't have a clue. Here you can open your heart and know that there are many who have been where you are and understand what you are going through to a point. Truthfully it is different for all of us based on our history and relationships.

My advise would be to not try to hold back your tears. Grieve as much as you need to and accept what help you need when it is offered. Other than that just put one foot in front of the other and ask God to give you what you need to get through the day. You will soon realize how quickly time passed and that too in it's own way can renew heartbreak.

I'm very very sorry for your loss.

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I just hate that you are in so much pain right now. I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

I understand the need to 'do'. Mom rented her house from the church--they told me to take as long as I needed to clean the house out. I felt like I needed to get it done NOW and had everything donated, that house emptied, and cleaned like never before in just a couple of weeks. Since then I have moved on to other projects--cleaning out the garage, re-doing our bedroom. I think I am making my family crazy, but I feel like if I stop 'doing' things, everything will catch up to me. Nothing like avoidance techniques...

I am so thrilled for you that you were able to bring in a new hospice team and take care of your husband with dignity in his final hours. You have done such an amazing job taking care of your husband, you will continue to do an amazing job taking care of your daughter. Please remember to take care of yourself as well. Come here and type away any time you need to, OK?


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I get it, i really do.

Iam at less than two months, and I have already begun the process of trying to get myself out of this situation. By that I mean cleaning up my house of all reminders. It might sound harsh, but his disease had me sooo consumed for soo long, I had to

keep active, stay at work, something, anything, because I took care of a very sick person for so long, I did not what to do with myself right after he passed. I had and still have so much pain with his passing, that I just dont know what to do anymore. This is hard, but not as hard as watching him slowly die of something I could not control.

My best wishes and prayers to you.


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I am so sorry Cindy, again. The one thing I have learned during my grief process is that you must feel what needs to be felt, in your own way and time. Our feelings are going to present themselves as we allow them. It will probably remain surreal for a while. Be gentle on yourself and do what feels right for you.


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