There can be no great loss without first a great love

[Carleen]

Hello all my LC Family,

It has been so long since I've had the strength to come here, and much much longer since I've had the courage to post.

It's been one year and 13 days since I lost My Keith, the center of my universe. Since then I've spun out of control in darkness and gravity.

On the anniversary of his arrival into heaven, I spent the day by his graveside from morning well into the evening. I released 5 dozen live butterflies, just like we did on our wedding day. There is an old native american legend that believes that butterflies carry wishes and prayers to heaven upon their delicate wings. On the day of our wedding we asked our guests to release them with prayers that our life together be blessed. It was, because our love grew greater by every hour. On this past June 29th, 2007 I commissioned these butterflies with one common goal. Each set of wings carried all my love to him.

I've tried so hard to heal and move forward so that I could feel worthy of his love and pride in me. But as I look around me I know I have moved nowhere and am as raw as I ever was. I've encased the pain in stone and cherish and nurtured it as it is all I have left of him.

I have changed nothing around me, his things remain unmoved from where they sat that night he left me. I can change nothing, it is like I wait for him to come home and this will be nothing but a horrible nightmare that has passed. In the privacy and silence of our home I can be honest and I can suffer freely.

I miss him so much I love him so much.

I miss the way he loved me. I miss our plans for the future, the easy way our hands reached for one another without forethought; it was instinct. I miss his humor and how he could make me roll with laughter. I ache and long for his kisses; gentle and warm, full of love and conveying all the emotions in the world. I miss his arms around me and how in them I was safe and in them the world stopped and nothing existed except us. I miss him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was too young, he was too beautiful of a person, I loved him too much. He promised he'd never leave me, that we'd have each other forever.

I feel like it has been a millenium and my tears have eroded a riverbed down my face. I feel like it was just yesterday and the grief has not eased at all. The only thing that has gotten easier is the ease at which I can hide my pain behind fake smiles and hollow laughter. So many people love me and have hurt for so long seeing me crumble that I could not let them endure it any longer. For them I smile and say I'm fine. I'm not. But I think many of them know this. I think they suspect because they've stopped asking how I am; I think it hurts them to see me lie.

I pray every night as I drift to sleep: "Please lord, let there be hope for tomorrow, let me feel the warmth of the sun on my face instead of the chill of the knowledge that it is unshared. Or grant me thy mercy and take me to him."

I'm sorry I haven't been on more. I want so much to help others, and to share some of what I've learned that could help others in this same journey, but I am an empty shell holding nothing but the shards and pieces of a broken heart. I have nothing to offer anyone except my pain. I apologize for leaving you all for so long and hope you understand. I do not mean to make those of you who have been so kind to me throughout these years worry. I've been too weak and afraid.

I pray for you all, and hold you close in my heart.

My love, warm wishes and respect are here with you!

Love,

Carleen

[Nushka]

Carleen,

So many of us have been worried about you that I was glad to see your name next to a post. I know that there is nothing I can say to help but know you are in my prayers. I hope that you will be able to stay around here for a while. We all have missed you and perhaps talking to us you can release some of your pain. Know that I care what happens in your life and I will listen anytime you want to talk.

Nina

[ladybug]

I wish I could give you a big hug. I can't imagine your pain. I hope it will begin to get a little easier soon. My mom and dad had a rare and special marriage like it sounds like you had. My dad passed in January and my mom feels much the same way. It's hard to know how to help. I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. I am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs. Michele

[Treebywater]

Carleen,

You are so much more than a hollow shell. You are a beautiful, beautiful soul.

I pray that sometime soon some light will start to break through the cracks, and you'll start to feel a little bit of hope again.

You are so loved and cherished even in your hurt. Don't forget that.

[Ann]

((((((((((((((Carleen)))))))))))))

I understand!!!

[shineladysue]

(((Carleen))),

I'm so glad you posted here today. I'm glad you still remember us. So many of us know , understand and can relate to your pain. We also were here with you while your Keith battled this disease. We haven't forgotten and we never will forget what a long and courageous battle he fought.

It has been 1 yr. 41/2 months since I lost my prince and I do understand your continuing pain. My heart goes out to you. Please keep in touch.

Love and Prayers,

Sue

[lilyjohn]

I understand more than you can imagine. I was like you are for three years. After nearly 5 years I still have my melt downs. I just pray for you to find your little pocket of peace wherever it is.

[Littlegirl]

Hi Carleen, It's nice to see you post again. You have been missed and we have worried about you.

You are not an empty soul. I do understand your pain and immense grief and I am so sorry this has not gotten any easier. I pray that soon you find a bit of sunshine and your heart starts to heal.

Take care of yourself! Karen

[carolhg]

It is so very good to hear from you Carleen. You have certainly been thought about and prayed for. Prayers continue.

Carol

[Calintay]

Carleen - I am keeping you in my prayers. I think about you so much and miss reading your posts. Everyone grieves and you might not have much to offer us but it is our time to offer some love and support to you. Please take care of yourself

Heidi

[Maryanne]

Dearest Colleen

I was just thinking about you and Patkid just yesterday and here you posted today.

You two shared a love that was so many people would give anything to experience.

I pray one day when you wake up it will be better and you do feel the sun on your face again.

You were my camelot couple and you are also held very tight in my heart of hearts.

Thank you for coming here and letting us know at lease you are alright even though you are so torn inside.

I pray for you my friend,

Maryanne

[EastCoastLadi]

(((Carleen)))

I've often thought about you and wondered how you were doing. When Carlton was in his final days and I would come on here and tell everyone what was going on, I thought of you and Keiths' last days. It is too difficult, I know all about putting on "the face", hell, I'm doing that now, I wrote on ywbb a post titled "so who can I cry to?", the feeling of being a burden to others is awful. I know that I am the only one who can feel and go thru my pain.

It can be very difficult to look at yourself and think highly of you, it's like to say something good, means like it's taking away from the loss that you have.

Carleen, it isn't fair at all, for our soulmates to be taken from us, so soon, all of our plans, hopes and loves feel like they have been smashed to bits.

Like you, I take it one day, one moment.

please PM me anytime, I'm thinking of you.

Grace

[kamataca]

Carleen,

I can't even begin to know the depths of your grief, but there are some common threads. It seems like it is easier to be kind to others and judgmental to ourselves. Be kind to yourself.

I was just thinking the other day that I was letting my Mom down when I lost it and was a puddle of tears (like you, in my own home with no one around--we get so good at hiding things). The truth is, Keith and my mom--they aren't judging us. They loved us, without judgement, and still do.

You may think you haven't moved forward at all, but just being able to put your feelings into words and sharing them with us--to our benefit as well--that's impressive. The fact that you get out of bed each day, make it through work, and care for those around you--that's impressive.

Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. A year is a long time to live without the one you loved so much, but it is just a blip on the grieving process. You shouldn't be 'over it' by now--we understand.

Lots of love, hugs, and prayers going out to you.

Kelly

[Kasey]

Dear, dear (((Carleen))),

I've been searching and searcing for the right words since I read this post of yours. Well, I just haven't found them . I cannot wrap my brain around what it must be like for you............grieving the loss of the love of your life. We've talked about the love affair you and Keith shared being similar to that of Fred's and mine. And that leaves me speecless and unable to lift you up.

You have remained in our hearts here, Carleen, even in your absence. We wish, hope, and pray that SOME day it will not be as dark, and can only hope that it will be sooner rather than later.

Thank you for checking in with all of us. You know there are many here who love you and care deeeply. I am just sorry that there is not more we can do to help you along this leg of the journey.

Love,

Kasey and Fred

[myagle2]

Carleen,

I have read your post, and can not see past my tears,

so like Kasey, I had to come back, and rewrite my post, as I was soooo overwhelmed in grief, for you, and for me. My god, I so understand, I am so very sorry you cant get past your grief, neither can I, and I am trying. I loved my husband more than life itself,and although my husband was not as young as yours, he was my life for 29 years. I feel like I have been left alone in this ugly world to make decisions I never had to make, and doing things I never had to do, because he always took care of things for me. Iam so glad you posted, as I have been waiting and watching. Peace for you, I hope you start to see some light.

Mary

[Joe B]

Carleen,

Welcome back you were missed. God Bless,

[RandyW]

Carleen, Hope you got my notes. WHen I worry about you I droppped a Pm. I know how hard this is. I too had too come back after settling down some. WE suffer so much for the ones we have lost, It is not fair sometimes. God needed Keith and so many more that we have lost here and thats why he called them home before us, but we will be reunited some day in happiness. Right now though, we soldier on in their memory. After 18 months I too am having some difficulty some days m ore than others. That old grief monster Keeps sneakin up on me and hitting me HARD!! SOme days are good, some Bad. But the thing is after a bad day the sun comes up and I have a few good days. Here is hoping you have some good days!!!

This is a nice place to go sometimes at this link. It will make you cry but in a positive way very inspirational site and it helps me sometimes when I am down. Click on the link;

http://www.inspiringthots.net/index.htm

I hope the sun comes up today for you and it is a good day. Sending Prayers and Big hugs for ya.

[J.C.]

Carleen,

Just happy to see your name.

No empty shell, you have to

heal first before you cn help

others.

I care.

Jackie

[Mskim]

I pray for you to find some peace Carleen. I hope you continue to come in here and write.

[MomsGirl]

Oh, Carleen, feeling the way I do about my husband, I do not know what to say. Your pain resonates, and imagining it is almost unbearable. You are a loving and good soul, he was so lucky to have you in his life and have you by his side in good times and in bad. Try to take a small amount of comfort in the joy that you brought him every day.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this...hugs to you...

[angsexton]

Carleen,

I have nothing to say that will ease your pain other than please know I care. I don't know you, but as of June 29, 2007, we now share the date that we lost loved ones to this monster of a disease. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. I am so sorry that you have to go through this...it's not fair. Your words touched me. You have a gift with words. You said you have nothing to give but pain. You have shared your pain AND the testimony of the amazing love you had with your husband. What a blessing it has been to me to hear what a rare and loving relationship you two had. Thank you for sharing your heart and being real.

[Flowergirlie]

I am so sorry for your loss and your deep sorrow. As time goes by, it seems like it becomes more intense, instead of easing. It is hard to be so young and to lose the love of your life. There are so few that can understand. I think the only thing that ever helps me through some days is something someone said, which is, "You will never be better but sometime maybe, you will be OK."

I never expected to be 'better' or 'over it' but often wonder if I will ever be OK again and for whatever reason, I find comfort in knowing that I am not supposed to be different than what I am right now, where I am at in my grief journey. It hurts so terribly, but for some reason, we are going through this anyway. Sometimes I have to just be thankful for the time we did have and the depth of our exchange that we were able to share, even though it was too short, knowing that I would do it all again, if only.

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs...Flowergirlie

[Eileen]

I so ache for you and wish I could say something to make it better

but I can't make it better

so just a big hug to you

[Connie B]

I can't say anything that will take your pain and heartache away for you. Although I wish there was something I could do for you. I truly understand your heartache. I know your heart is broken.

((((((((((((((((((CARLEEN))))))))))))))))

[ma's kid]

Sweet, dear Carleen..

I pray for you nightly.

We are here for you, whenever you need us.

Love, Libby