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Feeling A Little Lost


missyk

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Well, a lot lost, really.

It seems like the closer I get to "d-day" the more lost I feel. I don't WANT to break-down and have a good cry because I'm not really....sad. It's just that I've never done this without Mom and never expected to, honestly. Mom was always SO involved in the pregnancies of each of "us girls" and from the beginning, this one has been just me because Mom wasn't able to go to even the first of my ultrasounds/appointments. She was just too weak...the baby just a little too late.

I remember sitting there with her at the hospice and her just putting her hand on my tummy...waiting to feel him move. He never did that she could feel. I *know* she's "met" him already, I really believe it...but I wish I had that great story of how he kicked really big just for grandma before she died. He kicked and kicked while I sat and held her hand, while we wished her a peaceful journey, while it stormed after she died...but he just never kicked that she could feel. He's stubborn that way with everyone, including me. If I look down to watch my tummy move even, he'll stop. :roll: Must be Mom coming out in him! :wink:

I put the crib together that my inlaws bought...and I cried. I put the highchair together that a friend bought for us...and I cried. The swing...cried. The carseat/stroller...cried. Not because of any reason other than, if she hadn't died...SHE would have bought those things.

I wonder, sometimes, if the pain will always be this raw and if everything about this little boy will remind me that I don't have my mom anymore to share all the frustration, happiness, joy, and little things with the way I did with Sabrina. I wonder if I'll feel her there with me as I bring him into the world. I'm mad, and sad, and frustrated that she's not here...and I just plain old miss her right now. I miss the phone calls if I hadn't called in a day. I miss calling her and being reminded that "it's normal". I miss knowing that, because Mom's with me, everything will be alright.

I guess I needed that cry afterall.

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The pain will not be raw always but it will always be there. Your Mom is watching down over you every day in every way. She is going to be a guiding force in your life in so many ways even though you may not think about it. If you ever want to talk to her, just look up and talk to her. She is always right over your head, watching over you and your family and busy being the Family Guardian Angel. I fya want to cry go ahead, Htere is no shame wherever you are.

Peace love and Hugs this morning.

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((((Missy))))

I can't imagine what you are going through. It's so hard to be sad at what should be (and WILL be, I guarantee) such a happy time. It seems our grief colors everything right now. We have to work hard that is doesn't overshadow everything, but we can not deny that it is there.

My brother and his wife are expecting their first child in Nov...would have been just Mom's third grandchild. We were worried for so long that they wouldn't be able to have a child. Thankfully they told Mom as soon as they knew, so she at least knew it was coming. She started an afghan for the baby that a friend of hers is finishing for me. I'm afraid of my own reaction when the baby is born--I can't imagine how much stronger yours may be.

We "know" so much with our heads (they are in a better place, they can see our babies now and while they grow up) but all we "feel" in our hearts is how much we miss them. Maybe we should just schedule a good group cry!

Kelly

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Hi Missy,

Your post pulled at my heartstrings. I could see how much you miss having her with you That is a tremendous loss, especially at this time of your life.

I do feel like you that she has met her grandson and was also present when you were putting all those baby presents together.

She will be at his birth and will be beaming when he arrives just like you will.

Hang strong, and you know how much you mena to all of us.

I hope your day today is a better one.

Maryanne

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I haven't experienced what you are going through right now, but your posts bring tears to my eyes because I know it has to be so painful to lose your mom.

I just wanted you to know that you are being thought of and I'm hoping the best for you.

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Missy--though the timing was different for me... with the experience of both girls together, I think I get it a little bit at least.

I had similar fears with Carolyn--that she would be forever entangled with Mom's journey. And... she still is to an extent. But this week as getting closer and closer to the two year mark and passing it up yesterday I noticed that the quality of things has changed. Instead of Carolyn being a painful reminder of all that happened (I know that sounds harsh, but at times when I would look back at milestones and stuff all I could think of was Mom), she is this link to her. I held Carolyn so tightly this week thinking, I held you this tight when Mom was here and we were losing her. It wsa something she went through WITH me, and I think because of that we will always have a special bond. It SUCKS to have the birth of a child tied up with a death (and all the stupid freakin things that people do and say as a result, don't get me going!), but there is a beauty to it too.

I had a lot of mom-situation driven ambivalence and lostness in both of my pregnancies... more in the days after with Abbie. I can't tell you that I felt Mom's presence strongly when Abbie was born. But that doesn't mean she wasn't there.

AND what's hard to see through it all is that it will STILL be a joyful event. It won't be all about your Mom not being there, because it will be all about this new baby.

I could go on and on... Maybe I'll call you one of these days and we can commiserate....

Anyway, know that I understand from my own shoes and that I care.

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This is a rough time for you to just be grieving...then throw in the baby hormones and going through the big life events already without your mom and it has to be overwhelming. Go ahead and let those tears out. The day will come when it will not hurt so much. Hugs to you!

Karen

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