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Four simple words


EastCoastLadi

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....thank you, for you.

is what my husband, Carlton wrote in a mothers day card in 2005 to me. I found it yesterday, looking through some old papers.

that's the way Carlton was, simple, yet profound with his feelings. But with that came much love.

this past Saturday the 21st, was five months since he died. It was also my nephews' 5th birthday. one life no longer here, another just so young.

I once wrote to someone "there is no syllabus for grief". I just live in the moment with my daughters.

I think out of all the things I will never get over, is that my girls will never, ever have a daddy again, like Carlton, that loved them so much.

I will never, ever have his love.

I saw Tammy Faye Messner on Larry King live last Thursday, something she said, simple yet profound struck me, she wasn't really afraid to die, it was her children she was afraid for.

I came to the realization that perhaps Carlton was meant to die the way he did. If he was aware of his dying, I think it would of been such incredible mental torture to him for the girls and I to see him whither away. Perhaps him being out of it made it easier for all of us.

Grace

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Hey there...

Grace I believe that - not that Carlton should have go through the pain of dying from cancer but that he died the way he did so that his transformation would be as painfree for you and the girls as possible I guess. It was weird - you know about 3 weeks before Ger died we were sitting at the table - and I knew it wasn't going to get any better but I didn't know what he did think cause we never talked about the diagnosis much nor his scans - he wanted to know nothing. The family doctor and our spiritual healer had told me that in order for him to go he had to know that we would be ok. I said to him - "Do you think things are going very good?" He shook his head and said no. I said to him "it is ok you know - we will be ok..." to which he said..." it is not me that I am worried about - it is you and the kids" with that I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he was sitting and held him as he cried. This was the first time that he showed sorrow and it was not selfish sorrow but for us. At the table he also said - I see them - they have headbands and feathers - I asked who? - he said "my guardians - there are two"...one of the first signs of real confusion and hallucinating. It was not long after that - that he lost his balance and became more confused and that he died. Whatever happened with the brain met doubling in size even after wbr eliminated his full conscious awareness of his state and affect on us all. I am so happy for that and I believe with my heart that he went that route for a reason. I just thought I would share that with you Grace. All of my thoughts to you and the girls. Heather

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DEb and I had a similar talk before she passed also about 3 or 4 weeks actually about what was going on. SHe was getting ready to see what alimta avastin combo might do for her and she told me that she was scared about it and she had seen a pamphlet that i had gotten in a sunday paper about Hospice. I told her there would be no hospice unless absolutely neccessary and she agreed. We had a talk and the last words she said during this conversation , basically were these; I am tired but I will not give up this fight. If I see teh light I am going to it, But I will not turn around to look for the Light! And to this Day I believe that is what she did. She saw the light in her hospital room at 3 am and went to it. and she is waiting at heavens gate with Daisy for me!!! :(:)

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Time does move quickly, I too can not believe it has been 5 months.

Carlton continues to love you all, I am sure, even though it isn't the way you are used to or the way you prefer. And that isn't enough to make it better, but it's something.

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Grace,

You know you are never very far from my thoughts as the days have gone by since your dear Carlton went to live with our heavenly Father. It is difficult to grasp how fast time moves us away from our loved ones lives. You just want to stop time. This is when the wonderful memories of them take hold deep in our souls to help us through the grief. Their fight and the the disease begins to fade and the funny, happy, smiling memories of the past take over to see us through.

It's not an easy time of transition for you I know, but you are already seeing the "warm fuzzy" memories of Carlton not totally obscured by the disease. Take comfort in those little things that you find and know that you have his love inside your very being now and forever. Love is something that this disease cannot take away from us.

Many hugs and prayers for you and the children.

Love,

Debi

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Grace,

When you were posting and Carlton was passing away -- that was the first time I became personally attached to someone going through that on this board. I remember your words being so honest, and I felt so deeply for you. To be honest, I was also afraid for myself being there too one day. I too can't believe it's 5 months.

I believe your realization is an important one.

Hugs,

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Grace, I'm so sorry, I am crying right now. Carlton will always love you, and I know he thanked God for having you by his side during those hardest of days. Your daughters are very lucky to have you...draw from them that healing unconditional love that is so unique to children. You are in my prayers tonight....

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