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I come to this forum and I read. So much of the pain I see here I relate to. I understand because I have been there myself for almost 5 years now.

So many of you are still so new to this process or I guess I should say condition of grieving. Your pain is still so raw.

I read the post Teri made about still being married and although Johnny and I were never married I feel so many of the same feelings as those who have lost their spouses.

When I joined this board nearly 5 years ago I had not yet gone through the 1st aniversary of Johnny's death. Being able to come here and post helped me though those days. I doubt that I would have made it and remained sane otherwise.

Shortly after I joined here I wrote a post about my thoughts on love. To this day as I read it I can not think of a better way to discribe love and the loss that we feel. I hope you don't mind that I post it here once more.

I have been thinking about love and how I would discribe it. Love is sharing someones thoughts and feelings and respectimg those things and knowing it is returned. Love is taking someone as they are and not wanting to change them or make them over.Love is acceptance of flaws and not only accepting but having pride in the person because you know the flaws are a part of them.

Love is wanting to lift someone up when they are low and love is wanting to lift someone higher when they are high.Love is a touch or a look that needs no words and love is the joy of just being. Being loved is a most wonderful thing but being able to love totaly and unconditionally is te most precious of gifts.

Love is just knowing without words and love is words that mean one thing to others but have special meaning between two people who love. Love is silly little pet names and is tears and hope and pain. Love is what life is all about.Love is the most powerfull force in the universe and I believe that God is love.

Is it any wonder that our pain is so deep when we know and have experienced all of these things and now don't know where to focus that love that joy and that hope?

Hold on to the ones you love with all of your might and all of your love. Remember to be patient and remember too that it is alright to be impatient if you know it is the disease that you are impatient with and not the one that you love.

I have been truly blessed to have known a love so deep and have it returned so totaly but I know too that all things have a price. The price I have paid has been dear but the love I have known has been priceless. Because of that I know that I have to grieve and I know that the pain will never really go away. I know too that though I will go on to live a life different than I had hoped for I will live with the knowledge of that love and hope that in time it will geve me the strength and courage I need to become a part of the world again. I want to be someone that my Johnny would be proud of and I want to live because I know that he loved me enough to want that for me.

I hope you like these words and I am not being presumtous to post them again. It is just so hard to find the words to express your heart felt sorrow when you see someone else going through the same pain. I hope that in some way these words will help instead. Lillian

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