out of site out of mind

[barbara5452]

Just wondering how many of us who leave the work force who thought we had friends and after a couple of weeks the phone calls stop, the lunches stop and people forget you. It is very disappointing to think you have friends and they forget what a simple phone call can do to brighten the day. I wish I could send them and others outside of the workforce a letter saying: you can call if just for a moment to say hello, we don't have to talk about cancer we can talk about the kids whats been going on in each others lifes. I would send these letters but I'm too

pis_.... at this time and would say things I should'nt. I think thats why so many of us feel so alone, people forget about others so soon. Even the doctor I worked for who thought I was so wonderful has never rang this phone. Today they can all kiss my tush.

[Nova]

I'm sorry..

I think people get to a point where they don't know what to say - (I've noticed this in my experience anyway), so they just stop calling.

If they would only realize that we don't want to/have to, sit around and only talk about cancer, doctor's appointments, test results, etc....

Maybe if you feel like it sometime, you could call THEM... maybe it would break the ice a little bit. (?) (That's something I tell myself to do, but then can't--easier said then done!)

Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling down about it. It hurts my feelings too, when it happens to Harry and I.

Take care,

Nova

[carolhg]

I am sorry this has happened to you Barbara. I think that some people truly do not know what to say, so they just stay away. When I was sick I very much appreciated getting a get well or thinking about you card in the mail. Thank God for this website and the people on it, including YOU.

Carol

[luvmydog2]

I could not agree more. The place where I worked were all concerned about me when I was diagnosed. The secretary of my supervisor would keep in touch about once a week. I was drawing short term disability from their insurance company. Even the President of the college sent me a card. Turns out that all the office seemed to want was to find out when I was returning. I was there 13 years and received numerous employee of the month awards.I would have worked a while longer but they sort of pushed me off the payroll. I made my mistake by finally saying "I Quit". I have never heard from any of them sience.

The supervisor left shortly after that. I had a master key book at home where I organized the keys to the campus. I called the new secretary one day and ask if she would like to have it or should I destroy it. She said not to destroy it but to bring it by one day and that no one knew the department like I did. She said that I could be an asset to the college if only part time. Well you guessed it....she got the book and 4 years later...no phone call.

I got off subject a bit but my reply to your post is this...A lot of people are "fair weather friends" at times. Once you are diagnosed, they tend to call and be a friend. Once they see that there is nothing more to find out, then they disapear.

I hope you get to feeling better and climb over this hump in the road. In closing I would like to add a little something that was given to me many years ago when I was in school...

True friends are like diamonds,

Precious but rare.

False friends are like autumn leaves,

Found everywhere.

[Judy-OK]

Barbara ... last year when I was smack dab in the middle of my treatments with chemo and radiation I heard from basically none of the folks I had worked with and I had been with that company for almost 30 years. I did remain close to a couple but the company was really spread out location wise. Anyway, I finally heard that a rumor had been started that I was bedridden and had two people staying with me that would not allow me to receive phone calls. The truth was I was still living alone and taking myself to all my radiation and chemo appointment by myself. This may not be happening in your case but it does show you some of the things that can happen.

[Don M]

I had to retire soon after my pneumonectomy because I could not do the physical aspect of my job any more. I have been retired for almost 2 years now. I stop in time from time to visit at the workplace. About a month ago, one of my work friends emailed me and asked if I would like help in putting up my firewood stash. I gratefully accepted. About a week later, 8 people came over and put up 4 cords of wood for me in one day. I provided pizza, pop and water. One of the guys had a wood splitting machine and that made it go really fast. I helped run the machine.

Don M

[Bev'sSister]

Don't let it get you down too much Barbara. Cancer is a good way to weed out the "friends" you can do without. People get so busy with trivial things in their own lives, that they forget the important things, which is really a shame. I hope you do have a good support system even without everyone's support. Sometimes we just have to move on and do it on our own. I call my sister everyday, but I am not there with her all of the time. Her former employees were very good to her at first, but it has tapered off somewhat. Take care and stay positive and know that everyone on this board supports you.

Love,

Bobby

[Kasey]

It takes a very special person to be able to 'weather the storm' with a friend diagnosed with cancer. At first.....well.......folks are there. Then when the reality hits them that this is NOT something that is going to go away any time soon ~ well they go away instead. Those are 'fair-weather' friends we do not need. Unfortunately, I found I had more of them than I thought!

Kasey

[ginnyde]

I kind of have a different answer here. I don't let my friends disappear. If they don't call me, I call them. I don't think they disappear on purpose. They are still working and therefore in some ways their lives are busier. When people realize they should have called sooner, it makes it that much more difficult for them to call later. I think if you called the ones you care about and never mention that they haven't called, just sort of act like you spoke yesterday, you might see a difference. Just a thought.

[Patty]

This always happened to me whenever I left a job. It's like if you don't work there anymore, then you can't be friends anymore or something. Even when I didn't have cancer and it is even worse now, since I've had it. People (friends,family,neighbors,associates) have all really let me down in some way or another. I don't buy the excuse that they don't know what to do, I really think that they just don't really care enough to think of something-anything. I think selfishness comes into play with them also. A simple phone call, a card, just let you know they are thinking of you. It's not that hard, as far as I am concerned. I am still very hurt and angry over all the let-downs & constant disappointments. Some days I don't feel so angry and hurt and some days I do. Hope this helps in letting you know you are not alone and it has helped me also. Thanks, Patty

[ernrol]

Barbara,

I was president of my company for over 20 years. I sold it to a large manufacture giving all the employees a great opportunity. I was retired from the company and I don’t hear anything from any of them unless it business and they need my help. I don’t let it bother me. I have made many friends on this site. A group of us met for dinner in Chicago and I had a great time. Try not to let it bother you. You have many friends here and if you want to have them call you, let them know with a PM message. If you had some close friend at work, you may want to call them and ask how they are. That might shake them. Look ahead and keep a great attitude and let us fill that gap of friendship.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[recce101]

"Don M" I stop in time from time to visit at the workplace. About a month ago, one of my work friends emailed me and asked if I would like help in putting up my firewood stash. I gratefully accepted. About a week later, 8 people came over and put up 4 cords of wood for me in one day. I provided pizza, pop and water. One of the guys had a wood splitting machine and that made it go really fast. I helped run the machine.

"ginnyde" When people realize they should have called sooner, it makes it that much more difficult for them to call later. I think if you called the ones you care about and never mention that they haven't called, just sort of act like you spoke yesterday, you might see a difference.

Great examples of the proactive approach.

Next-door neighbors, workplace associates, party-time companions -- even family members -- come in different flavors. Some will do almost anything for us IF it's related to the neighborhood, the workplace, partying, or a family gathering, as the case may be. But if we have a serious illness or misfortune that removes us from the environment in which they've known us, about all we can expect from most people is a card and maybe a visit. An occasional phone call and perhaps another visit or two in the weeks and months ahead? Exceptional, and a gesture that we must reciprocate in some way no matter what!

If we have counted any of the one-card, one-visit people as "true friends" who, if the situation were reversed, we would "be there for" unconditionally even if it meant rearranging our own schedules and priorities for an indefinite time into the future, then of course we might feel disappointed and hurt. But realistically, we can't expect that level of commitment from more than a very few with whom we share some fundamental connection. It's almost like the "in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vows!

More often than disappointment, I've felt genuine amazement when certain people (not just since I got cancer, but in general) have come to my aid repeatedly at considerable inconvenience to themselves. These are people from whom I would have never expected such a response. If it's true that adversity will show us who our "true friends" are and that we may have some surprises, it's nice to know that some of these surprises may be pleasant ones.

Aloha,

Ned

[GinnyB]

How so very true all of this is....People that I thought would walk through fire for me, as I've done for them, have disappeared for the most part, checking in occasionally, surprised when I answer the phone (as in, WHAT? you're STILL alive?) Others, who I would have characterized as "occasional" friends and acquaitenances have stepped up to the plate. These are the people that don't ask, "what can I do to help?", they're the people who show up, and say "here's what I'm going to do to help, and what else can I do while I'm here?"

Cancer scares people - (duh), and it once scared me - but not anymore...what's the worst that can happen - I already have and am beating cancer, and you can't take away my birthday! There's almost a feeling from some of those old friends - disengage now, before the final outcome, and then it won't hurt so bad when she's gone - they hold their distance to preserve their own feelings of safety and security. The true friends, jump right in with you, and say "Let's take this baby for a ride, and throw it off the cliff! I'll take those friends any day!