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What's Wrong with People?


Tanner

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Really. What is wrong with people? Do they really believe that 46 days is more than enough time to have grieved the loss of my wife? Because they ask me - why aren't you getting out? - why is the house a mess? - why are you still crying? From my siblings no less. I know that it is scary for people to stare death and widowhood in the face. God knows I wouldn't be doing it if I weren't doing it. It makes them think about their own death or the death of their spouses. And who wants to think about that? But I wish that they would just not call instead of critiquing my life. It almost seems that if I were divorced instead of a widow I'd get more understanding. It is so much easier to complain about the X than it is to remember with fondness and tears the love of my life. Right? Whatever. 46 days. I may just mourn for 46 years. Who knows. My kids are fed and bathed. That's good isn't it?

Thanks for listening to my rant. I wish more people understood what we are going thru. And if they can't do that, I wish they would either ask us to explain it to them or if all else fail - pretend to understand.

Anne

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Anne,

I haven't been though what you are experiencing, but I don't think 46 days is enough time to grieve at all. Only you will know when you are ready. I suspect that your siblings think they are trying to help you, and don't have any concept that they are making it worse.

((((Hugs))))

Susan

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Anne,

It has been a year +4 months since I lost the love of my life and I still haven't gotten my home or my life together. I do necessities, but I am slow to move forward. You shouldn't feel you have to make apologies. There is a quote that I remember that helps me to get through.. It's a Dr. Seuss quote. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” I think it applies to all things we say and do... It takes time Anne... be gentle with yourself. It has only been 46 days since you lost your beloved Karen.. God Bless.

Sue

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I can't fully understand what you feel losing your lvoe- but I witnessed what my mother went thru when she lost the love of her life.

After 3 years, she was JUST starting to move forward-after 3 years of teeny tiny baby steps, she was just getting her house in order, venturing out with me alittle bit more... getting used to life without my father because she had no other choice.

After 46 days, my mom (all of us) were still immersed in grief and simply shells of our former selves.. it was like we were learning how to walk again.....I can't imagine anyone expecting you to be "ok" or "back to normal" after 46 days.

What is wrong with people? Some people just suck.

Hang in there. WE understand and are here for you.

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Hi Tanner,

I think you already have the answer -- it's them, not you. It's what they're afraid to look at. The possibilities, etc. You "getting on with life" makes it easier for them.

You just take your time, go through what you need to go through at your pace.

In talking to people who have been there, it's not at all unusual to "move forward" for a time, only to completely be overwhelmed and go backward again. How could we possibly not do that?

Hugs,

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sometime speople can be so insensitive. I knopw how you feel. don't pay attention to them. you are the one who has lost someone..not them!! You hve to do what you want for yourself. I go through the same thing after 18 months and people don't understand sometimes..

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Anne,

You will find over time that you just have to learn to ignore these people. Not only did we go through the death of a spouse but we spent numbers of monthes from a diagnosis point searching and hoping. Some of my husbands family are just awful when it boils down to it. They are grieving in their own little box and not even thinking about how myself and my children feel - and that is still happening today as much as it was 4 1/2 monthes ago. Just do what you need to do for you. Be fair to yourself and if you need help try the young widow message board or a support group. It takes an awful lot of energy to go out every day and be cheerful and by the end of the day I am exhausted. All the best. Heather

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Thanks for all your support everyone.

It is just so maddening sometimes. My sister called last night and asked how everything is etc and I said that this is worse than single parenting. She cheated on her husband repeatedly and is currently single parenting her 16 year old. She tried to compare her situation to mine. It is nothing like mine. I never cheated. I never had a choice about when my relationship would end. I loved my wife with every ounce of my being - she obviously didn't feel the same way about her spouse. She is still dating the man she cheated with and has "moved on" with her life. She wants to know why I can't do the same. [email protected]#%$^(*)&$?!!! And when I had the nerve to tell her that our situations where completely different - she yelled at me.

I would have died for my Karen. I would have fought the darn lung cancer for her. I would have made a deal with the devil to keep her with us forever. I am grieving and my girls are grieving. I am suprised sometimes that any of us can get outta bed. But we do. Most days we bathe. Everyday we eat. I have actually cooked dinner every night for the last 7 nights. I think that is amazing.

Thank you guys for understanding. I am sorry for the situations that force us to understand. Thank you for your words of wisdom and endearing support.

Anne

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It will be four years in October

that Mike left me, just getting ready

to move out on his anniversary,

I'm just me and I act the way I feel

and I pitied the people that tried

to make some remarks about my ways.

they are gone from my life and good

riddance.

What is good for me may not be good

for other people, so we just have to

find our way day by day or step by step.

Take your time, it is yours nobody

else and you will manage on your own.

Just take care and be good to yourself.

Hugs

Jackie

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Anne, I am so sorry you are suffering these insensitivities. 46 days is too soon for anyone to think you should be fine, and to move on. I think you are doing remarkably. I think back to 46 days out, and I didn't eat unless someone cooked and put it in front of me. Clean the house? Hell, it's been 1 year and 40 days and I don't think I've cleaned the house really at all. I haven't moved a single one of my husband's things from where they stood the night he passed. Bathing at 46 days was done when I offended myself and not a moment sooner.

But for other people, their attention span and ability to feel other people's pain is short. I met with a counselor early on who once told me that even the most well meaning of friends can only really expend the energy to truly empathize for about 2 weeks. It really was true. Unless someone's been there themselves they just can't understand.

My husband passed on a Thursday and we buried him the following Monday. I received a call from my boss, who I also considered a friend who just wanted to make sure I was coming back to work that following Monday. She could not comprehend that it might take me more than a week to get over it. And to this day, I still fight with my sister just like you do, who compares her situation to mine daily.

My sister's husband enlisted in the army reserve 2 years ago, and was deployed a few months after my husband passed. He returns home this October. Every time we talk she goes on for hours about how hard it is for her without him, how she struggles and misses him. But if I talk about missing Keith, I get a quick dismissive "I know what you mean" a roll of the eyes and then more about how it's the same for her. IT'S NOT THE SAME!!! He volunteered to go. Keith would NEVER have willingly left me, he fought like hell for every last day and minute to stay with me, and I would have fought Satan or God himself to keep him with me. She talks to her husband every night over the cell and instant messenger. Her kids have a father, she has a husband, they still have their futures together. Yes, she misses him. But she has no idea what it is to completely MISS someone and know you will NEVER have ANY opportunity to see their beautiful smile again. She did not lose half of her self and her identity, she did not lose all the plans and hopes and dreams she has built. And yes, it's scary that he is in danger, but he is still ok, and I do honestly hope she never finds out what it is like to truly MISS him just like I MISS Keith.

I'm sorry you know too well what this pain is like. I'm sorry you have to also feel criticized for not being hardened and for being deeply in love so that you can't just "let it go". But there is nothing wrong with loving Karen, for grieving, and taking as long as it takes to grieve her. You are doing the best you can, and it will take as long as it takes. And that is fine.

I will hold you close in prayer.

God Bless

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I would settle for a divorce or a distant relationship compared to this situation any day of the week. They ahve it easy compared to us. W enever get to hear that voice again. we never get to to see the smiling face again. we never get to watch someone fall asleep again. THEY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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It is really interesting how different we all react on the outside, but the pain is the same inside. And people seem to expect everyone to be the same.

Don't ask me why, but I don't count the days, I count the Mondays, because Bill died on a Monday. It's been three Mondays.

I have the opposite reaction to what others have expressed. People keep telling me how great I'm doing, because I'm seeing people and keeping busy. Because I'm not losing too much weight, or crying in front of people. While I don't want to argue back, "no I'm not!", it's hard to hear sometimes. Partly because no one sees me all the time, so they don't actually know. And because I know that I'm going to be one of those people who hits the wall two or three months out, and probably again 6 months, a year, two years, etc. I know that because I have so much to do right now that revolves around Bill, so I convince myself we're doing it together. He was and is part of me. In three month's time, I won't have as many of these types of things to do. I still have this sense that he's on a trip and is coming back. As I cleaned the house this week, I thought, "oh Bill will be happy everything is tidy." At some point, the full realization is going to hit, and I don't know when it's coming or how I'll react.

We all have our ways. Some of us curl up in bed, some of us need to keep moving. Tanner, I completely hear what you're saying about people comparing their situations. Death is not divorce. Neither Bill nor I chose to be separated, and never would have. I hear you and fully understand.

Whether people think we're doing good or bad, I just wish people would remember that you can't judge what's going on on the inside by what you see on the outside.

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