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I need a hug. Mom is in bad shape

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A lot has happend since the last time I posted. We now know that my mom is in early stage 4 lung cancer. It is in both lungs. The radioologist does not think it has spread to her liver, perhaps another test would show that. She has done two rounds of chemo. She is on taxol and carbo. This is done every three weeks. The day that she has chemo she is her old self. After that she does not want to get dressed or leave the house. She was eating lots of lamb, now she'll eat a bananna, toast, butter beans ect, but nothing like she was eating first round of chemo.

Over the 4th of July holiday, her lung collasped. She spent 4 days in the hospital. Her other children have told me that she is alone in this. That she has brought this on herself for smoking for all of those years. They are also bitter over money that they belived they should have gotton 30 years ago(that's another story).

I don't know what to do. My siblings have told me that I too am alone in this. My mom has went from 147lbs to 130lbs.I cry all of the time. I pray that God won't take her just yet. I read about all of the sucess stories but then I tell myself well, with them it was caught early to operate or they don't have the same kind of lung cancer that she has or they recieved better care, or were in better health. The list goes on and on as to why certain people beat it and others don't.

She has lost most of her hair, but not all. She has strands that just don't want to come out. I know I am rambling, but I am so heart sick and frusrated at at how I am being treated and all of the pain that my mom must feel being left by children she brought into this world.

Thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it. Ves

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I am so sorry there is so much going on right now. I am glad that you have posted though and are letting us help you as much as we can.

I am not only sending many prayers for you and Mom, I am also sending you the hug you need


I am sorry that the siblings are being so difficult. There are many of us here that can relate to that. Just keep doing your best for Mom. NOBODY deserves lung cancer, no matter if they smoked or not. Sometimes people just need to blame something/someone in order to cope with the situation but that does not make it any easier for you.

Please continue to keep us posted. We care.


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No one deserves lung cancer. Your mom is sick and needs the love and encouragement of her family. I'm glad she has you. It's hard to feel good when undergoing chemo--even under the best of circumstances. Keep her favorite foods within easy reach and made sure she is drinking nough fluids. If you don't think the dr is doing enough for her, it may be time for a second opinion.


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First of, BIG HUG.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and how your siblings are reacting. I think I remember you posting about that sometime ago, and I remember talking with my Bill about it and feeling sad for your mom. That's just wrong.

I don't have any answers for the cancer, but do you have a support system in place? Even if you have to forget the siblings, how about aunts and uncles, friends of yours or your mom's, people from church, work-mates or former work-mates, old friends, a local cancer support group. You both need in-person support. If you don't like asking for help, let me tell you that I didn't either. I learned to during Bill's illness and am still learning to. It works -- people actually do want to help if you ask them. It's hard, and I'm sorry for how badly your mom is feeling.

More hugs,

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Hello Ves:

I'm really sorry to hear you mom is not doing well right now. My hubby had the same chemo and it knocked the stuffing out of him too, along with lack of appetite and weight loss. Poor appetite is something a lot of cancer patients have to deal with. When Maurice isn't hungry he can usually drink a milkshake..ice cream, half & half cream, carnation instant breakfast & yogurt. He tries to drink 2 each day and it helps maintain body weight.

Many here have been treated successfully for stage IV and you mom will be too.

As far as your siblings go, they want out, well let them go. At this point your Mom is very lucky to have you and probably doesn't need the aggravation of your siblings. Sometimes we just have to learn when to let go.

Give your mom and yourself time to adjust to this 'new normal' and you'll both be fine.

In the meantime, come here whenever you need to for help, advice, support or whatever. Good Luck and God Bless


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I'm so sorry you have to go through this alone.

Your mother DOES NOT deserve lung cancer for smoking! That's just plain cruel.

I took the same chemo as she is taking and I got pretty sick, I went days at a time without eating, it's not uncommon.

You need to let the doctor know if she gets too sick so he can give her some anti nausea medication, there is some pretty good working stuff out there right now.

Good luck


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A giant cyber hug!

I am so sorry that you have so much on your shoulders. We all feel overwhelmed, but lack of support can make that worse, But please remember you have the support of everyone here! We all support you and your mom.

Try to stay strong. Have faith!

Prayers to you and mom,


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Vespa,your siblings are making ridiculously ignorant comments and are clearly unaware of how utterly hypocritical they are. If it makes you feel better, remind them that they don't treat their own health so perfectly (non of us do) and ask them if they deserve heart disease or diabetes for being overweight or cervical cancer for having exposed themselves to HPV or.....the list is long (and that mentality ticks me off!).

But, mostly, my heart is with you on this - it's so very difficult.

Stay strong for your mom - you'll both get through it; it is possible.


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As several others have said, and probably your mom's oncologist too, preventing excessive weight loss is critically important for someone on chemo. Maintaining a balanced diet is nice, but getting those calories in needs to be the primary goal. And that means more calories than before, because the cancer causes various changes in the body which in turn cause calories to be burned faster than usual.

You may have heard the advice to a cancer patient, especially one on chemo, "eat what you want, when you want." Excellent advice, though some caregivers may think it's somewhat indulgent, and that the patient should have enough willpower to eat even if there's no "appetite" or it "doesn't taste good." But I've been there as a patient, and those words don't come close to explaining what was happening to my body and to my digestive system in particular. While the taxol/carbo may affect your mom's GI tract in a different way than it did mine, knowing what it was like from my perspective may help you in dealing with your mom's eating difficulties down the road.

The chemo basically fried my taste buds, and most foods had no taste at all -- not bad taste, simply no taste. At the same time, the tongue, mouth, throat, and esophagus became very sensitive and irritated. This meant that the only sensation when chewing, swallowing, or drinking was the FEEL of the food or liquid going down. Any food with a rough or grainy texture (meats, breads, beans, etc.) felt like sandpaper. Any food with distinct edges (celery, carrots, etc.) felt like broken glass if raw, gravel if cooked. I quickly learned which foods were the most irritating and avoided them, even if they were normally my favorites, because I knew the irritation caused by them would make other foods even more difficult to eat that day. On the other hand, some foods actually felt good going down, and sometimes a little bit of the taste would start to come through. Cold fruits packed in syrup were always good, also milkshakes, Ensure and its clones, any ice cream without solid particles, Carnation instant breakfast drinks, and smooth soups without chunks (cold or lukewarm, not hot). If the family was having something for dinner that smelled really good I might try a little, but basically I maintained my own stash of agreeable foods for those months and tried to prevent my limitations from affecting the rest of the family as much as possible.

Another factor was what happened when the food hit the stomach. I never had any nausea, but there was a tendency for the stomach (which was also irritated) to reflux certain foods. Usually this was not a problem, since the foods my stomach wanted to reject were the same ones I was already avoiding. But now, 6 months after finishing the taxol/carbo, my stomach is still a little sensitive and there's a slight tendency toward heartburn that I didn't have in the pre-cancer days. I still take antacid pills occasionally and have found that keeping the upper body elevated for sleeping reduces the reflux.

I hope this gives you some insight to what MIGHT be happening with your mom, even if she doesn't use the same words to describe it. Best wishes and Aloha,


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Once again, Ernie has given great advice!

Cancer, in any form, is NOT a punishment for poor lifestyle choices. Plain and simple.

If your siblings are going to be no help, consider them out of your life. You do not need to be worrying about what they say or think, and clearly they will not be willing to help. Do let them know of changes in your mother's condition, as they may have a change of heart. But you seem to have deep underlying issues in your family, and while it's always good to HOPE for a change, do not count on it happening. Fixing it is not your responsibility. Loving your mother is, and you obviously do.

Be there when you can, but let others assist you. Sometimes people without family/friends resources can get rides form the American Cancer Society. Churches offer ministerial services (the Catholic Church has Stephen Ministry in some parishes, for example). You may be able to get some assistance from whatever geriatric social services agency is in your area. Check them all out. You will need respite from time to time.

Ask her if you can take her out to get fitted for a wig. Treat her to a manicure or pedicure. Anything to help her feel pretty.

The chemo is a blank_itch. But there are some remedies to help her get through it.

Pep talk over.

many hugs to you, girl


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