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Weak moment


kamataca

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So, we teachers report back to school tomorrow. I am terrified.

How am I supposed to start a new school year? I have never done this before without Mom's support. We still don't know how the kids will get to and from school (Mom lived a block away from their school...I'd drop them off at her house in the morning and pick them up after work). If one more person says to me, "Don't worry----it will work out," I will jab a fork in his or her eye.

Mom died right as the school year ended last year. I limped through the last days and spent a good portion of the summer taking care of her 'details.' It can't be time to start a new year without her?!?

I have always been passionate about teaching, and I've always believed that my students recognized this in me, and that was part of the reason we worked so well together. I feel so empty inside---I don't think I can fake it, and they will see that. I feel like a fraud. At least last year, no matter how hard it got, we had hope. There would be another line of tx to pursue, another med to try. Now I feel like my ability to hope has been shredded. How can I start a new year with no hope in my heart? My students deserve better.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am on the ledge. At least I don't feel like jumping...only because I don't believe that would help either. So sorry to freak out here tonight, but DH is gone right now, and I'm in a weak moment.

Kelly

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Kelly - breathe ... take a breathe and back up from that ledge ... you will get through it - just like you have gotten through everything else this summer - 1 day at a time .. take some deep breaths .. you've been through the 1st day jitters before, you know the routine and I bet once you get into the classroom intuition and training will kick right in. You are a great teacher and leader and once you see the kids you will feel that excitement and love again. Right now your focus has been on everything else, but once you are back, well its like riding a bicycle.

Your kids will be ok too - They too know what is expected from them, and TOGETHER you will make it work - your family is still a TEAM, even with mom missing,and you will work like one to get through tomorrow and the next day. Maybe if you put your thoughts down on paper it will help release some of that tension in your mind. Can you try to write out a plan for the morning?

And if nothing else works I will (and I'm sure all your LC friends too) will be rooting for you and your team ...

Can't wait to hear about how the 1st day goes and the kids you will meet this year ...

One step, one day .. now go get some rest ...

Paula

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Kelly,

I wish I could say something real profound and ease your pain. Your feelings are real. There isn't a time limit for grief, each must walk that path in their own time. It isn't something you can rush!

You sound like an amazing teacher, your students are very lucky! Take one day at a time. You can't loss that passion, it is still there, in your heart, give it time!

Together, your family will find a new "routine" I know you don't want to, and I am so sorry that you have to, but together, you will make it through.

Please know we are all here to support you, let us know how that first day back goes,

Dana

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Reading this last reply reminded me of something the rabbi said to the children of a friend of mine when Barbara died, he said "Everyone will say its going to be ok, its not going to be ok, its going to be different, and thats ok". So this too shall be different, and like the post before said you will find your new routine. It won't be the same, but it will be different, and thats ok too.

Paula

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(((((Kelly))))) It's NOT a weak moment. It's a hard moment, and we're here to support you in those.

You may be faking it at times.... but you'll do it. Your kids will inspire you. You will find things in them to love and they'll help you along. They will. Because you ARE a teacher and the love of people and servant heart that your Mom instilled in you will shine through. You might limp sometimes, and that's ok. But you'll do this. You will.

I know it hurts. And I'm sorry. And I care.

Val

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Returning to work was a little different for me as I have a different vocation. Teaching vs. sitting and doing accounting are different.

HGowever, Mom was a AVP at her company in sales, and we enjoyed talking business. Returning to work was hard because that person who would detail her professional highs and lows and who I would detail my professional highs and lows to was gone.

I had decided to treat work as therapy...a distraction...not as an additional burden I couldn't handle. And so I went to a meeting with the entire dept, and I was "on fire" so to speak, and then a funny comforting thing happened. Mom had heard what work was like, but never saw it. I felt like she was seeing me work for the first time and was pleased with witnessing me in that environment.

Maybe for the first time your mom is with you watching you work...and I bet she'll be proud...

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30 year of teaching here--

You will go on autopilot. For the first couple of days consider yourself successful for getting to school and inside the door. Anything after that is gravy.

Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Your new kids don't know what you did last year, so if your lessons are toned down a bit, they won't know.

One coworker lost her son suddenly, another lost her husband suddenly at age 46, and she had 3 kids. I watched them through their grieving.

when I had chemo with the breast cancer, I insisted on working. I was superwoman and I could do it. Except I couldn't. I was in bed by 8 PM each night. I realized I was putting my energies into my students not my son. Because of additional issues I went on medical leave while finishing chemo. Focus was back on my family and the students were fine.

You do not have a physical wound, but have a very big emotional one. It's really not different.

I gave both of those collegues the same book--"How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and one of the authors is Bloomfield. It is a small paperback that fits in a purse, and both friends read it often throughout the day.

I don't know what grade you teach--I am in third grade. since the lung cancer I have stood at my door each morning and personally said hello to each child. sound simple, but for years I was too busy doing that teacher stuff to stand and greet them. Looking into the eyes of each child would help bring me out of my own head.

sorry this is long, but your post hit close to home. Get the book.

good luch

gail

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Kelly,

You've gotten some wonderful advice here already. I can't add anymore, just some hugs and understanding.

I've been on autopilot for much of the last 6 months...and it's not fair, and it's not the best of me, but it just IS.

There will be times my kids inspire me or make me laugh of touch my heart in such a way that breaks those walls down...those are my most wonderful days...and I am sure there will be more of those to come as we heal.

I'll be sending positive thoughts and prayers to you. You were a fantastic daughter, sound like a wonderful mom and a great teacher...I've no doubt you will get through ok...and we will all be here rooting you forward.

((hugs))

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I won't repeat all of the good advice you have already gotten. In fact what I want to say may sound a little harsh but believe me it is not meant to to be.

Give credit that is due to your mom for the person she raised. The woman who is so full of love and compassion that she saw her mom through one of the hardest times, no the hardest time, a person can go through. The woman who has a heart big enough to be here supporting others who find themselves in a similar situation. The woman who has the desire to do one of the greatest things a person can do, mold young minds to become anything they want to be and give back to a world that sometimes doesn't give as much as it takes.

Every beat of your heart has a part of your mom in it. Every breath that you breathe is shared by her. She gave you life and though she may not walk this Earth by your side as she did not long ago she is still with you, leading you encouraging your and loving you. You will do great because you really want to. If you didn't care enough to do a great job no matter what you wouldn't be worried about short changing your students or your family.

Go forward and open those little minds and teach them that there is more to learning than the 3 Rs. Praying for you. Lillian

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Kelly,

I'm a teacher too and I totally know how you feel. Sometimes, I think I had more trouble thinking about going back to school until I actually forced myself to get back into the classroom and a routine. Once I did it, it was like, okay these kids and the routine of the day got me out of my funk!

It is so frustrating to have to worry about the before & after care of your kids when your mom used to help you out. My husband teaches too and switched to the junior high schedule so he will be here after school to be with the kids. Do you have any other family to help you? Oh, the things our supermoms did and how we miss them!

Hope you are getting into the swing of it!

Trish

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Kelly,

I'm late in the game replying to this post - how did things go at school? I hope that it was even minutely better than you expected...

My sister is a teacher and we lost my mom at the end of July last year. A few weeks later she had to go back and it was very difficult. But as the year went on and she got to know her students and things flowed, it got so much better. She had very supportive coworkers, and I hope you have the same..

My heart breaks for you on the thing with your kids, the drop-off and pick-up. Such a routine, and a wonderful one. I try to think of that as precious time they all had together, but it is so hard when your heart is broken and there is no more time for it...

Thinking of you tonight.

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