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year ago today


mrmust

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One year ago today my boyfriend Joe died at the age of 39. Today I am struggling with how to deal with this.

We weren't married and had no intension to be married. He had a 12 year old son. I have been cut off from his "ex-family" who has all the custody and power of attorney, etc, etc. During his illness I gave what ever I could to help. After his death his ex-wife somehow got control of his ashes and had a ceremony somewhere and never notified me. I have no idea where this occurred. Ihave been cut off. I have no place to grieve or mourn.

I am sorry that I have not responded much lately. I amhaving a hard time right now and just needed to vent. I didn' know how hard this day would be. I have been drinking also tonight.....doesn't help.

Thanks for listening!

Jill

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First off, Climb up out of the bottle. I know how you feel. When my wife passed that is what I wanted to do. But... All the great people here woiuld not let me. We are here for you. we will listen to anythiong at anytime from anyone. It is hard going through this all alone.

My first immediate thought is for grief counseling. Is there anything near you. It does work! secondly there are a couple of online options. Click on these links for online grief support;

1) http://www.death-dying.com/

2) http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php

3) http://griefnet.org/

These three are good starting points for grief. I have used 2 of them that being the first 2. I can also reccomend staying here might help, with some ideas of what to do. thisngs that I have done that have helped are;

1) Write down things. Vent away write about fave memories or the anger and sorrow you are feeling. share this with us. we will listen any time. Noregrets or apologies for posting or " venting"

2) talk to him. Take a glass of wine to help calm nerves or fave beverage adn go outside under the stars. This is the best time cause you can say prayers when done talking to him. I have done this also.. SAy what you are thinking about. what kind of day you had. the person that cut you off on the free way, what you had for dinner. ANYTHING you want to share with him. He is alway looking over you and listening to you. If you are mad let it out yell at him for doing this to you and tell hiim the pain he caused you. JUST LET IT OUT!!!! apologize toi god for cursing also before coming in if you did that. It may help you.

3) Throw things. Eggs are cheap. it gets rid of frustration and relieves stress. Get a dozen eggs at the store and just throw them into the woods near the house or behind the house. just throw them, and do some yelling. May sound funny but it helps.

These are things that have helped me out. while our circumstances are different, the outcome is the same. Wee have both lost someone we love very much to a very bad disease. and we need to grieve. if we don't we will explode...

Sayin prayers that something here helps you some in this very difficult time. Kep us posted. we are always here to help in any way we can.

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((((((((((Jill)))))))))

Losing someone you love is tough enough and when family complicates that, it makes the loss even tougher to deal with. I know, because I had to deal with some very irrational in-laws when Dennis died. There were many decisions that Dennis had mede for himself but his parents decided not to honor those decisions and try to do things according to their beliefs about issues, such as cremation. Well, I pushed ahead, like a steam roller, and managed to follow all of Dennis' wishes too a tee. As a result, there were even hard feelings between me and my children, as they felt sorry for their grandparents. My children and I are fine now, but I remain alienated from my in-laws and extended family, of which I spent over 25 years of my life being a part of. Jill, please understand that this does happen to others. I have heard that a death can bring out the best and worst in people and I truly believe that. I know how hard this all is for you but you must remember how much love you and Joe shared and try to move on, with that love living in your heart. As for the location of Joe's ashes, does it really matter? Just think of him as a part of the universe now and that means he's with you, wherever you are. I so hope things get better for you and that you are able to come to some peace with your life. As for your "ex" family.....that's just what they are. You need to focus on the positive things in your life right now and it sounds as if they (your "ex" family) absolutely wreak of negativity. Please let me know if you need to talk. I'm only a PM away!

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Jill,

Both Randy and Ann are right,

make your peace with Joe and

go from there.

When I say make your peace,

it means talk to Joe aloud

and tell him that you miss

him, that he has to keep an

eye on you from now on.

You must have something that

did belong to him, that would

be better than his ashes that you

can't find.

Hold on and come back to vent

we are here to listen.

Hugs

Jackie

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Jill I can totaly relate to you. Like you Johnny and I were not married. We wanted to but just never got the chance. While he was alive I had all of the rights because he gave them to me. Once he died I no longer had those rights. When he was alive I gave everything and that kept them from feeling obligated to help him. He was also cremated and his son has his ashes. I know that is not what he wanted.

I wanted a place to go visit him I even offered to pay for it. Along with everything else that caused losing those rights caused me a lot of problems. In time I learned to cope. I even have a sort of relationship with one of his sons and his family. The one thing that got me through along with a lot of support from this site was the knowledge of my Johnny's love. I know without a doubt that he loved me more and longer than anyone else in his life. That love is what keeps me going even now 5 years later.

I pray for your peace and suggest that along with all of the other advice you make sure to never forget the love you had and always will.

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I"m so sorry. I wish you peace and hope that one day soon the memories you did have with Joe will comfort you and carry you forward.

I've alot of "outside" issues surrounding the grief over my losses too. I've finally come to realize the only person you can control is yourself and for my own sanity, I've had to "let it go" and realize they are who they are and they don't have to be in my life. My memories and the reality of the relationship I had with my parents will have to be enough to carry me forward.

I hope the same can happen for you.

I'm wishing you nothing but the best. We continue to be here for you.

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