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How do you stop yourself from going to that dark place?


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I have been having a hard time with re-living my mom's diagnosis in my mind. Especially at night when it is quiet. I wake up in the night and my mind just seems to drift to this dark place. I remember my sister calling me crying because she just talked to mom and she told me the doctor wants us to be there to talk to us. I knew right away what it was going to be just hearing those words. I remember calling my mom and telling her to tell me what it was. I didn't want to wait until I got there. I remember seeing my Dad cry for the first time in my life. Crying like a baby and saying that mom told him not to cry when us kids got there. I remember the untouched hot chocolates that the nurse brought in to try to make things better while we dicussed mom's diagnosis with the oncologist. I remember the sick feeling in my gut wondering how this could happen to my mom. I remember thinking nothing will ever be the same after this and longing to be a child again safe in the arms of my mom even though I was an adult with two children of my own. Then two days later learning of the brain tumors. Dad crying again. Mom's brain surgery. I will never forget that. My mom, who is always so strong, looking so helpless and afraid. I remember telling her how proud I was of her and how much we all love her. I told her we would see her when she woke up. I often think about the cruise to Alaska Mom and Dad wanted to take for their 30th anniversary a couple years ago but got put on hold for one reason or another. I want so badly for them to still go. On and on. The memories are still so fresh. Still so painful to think about. I sometimes talk to my younger sister about it but she always stops me and says she can't talk about this. It is too hard. I can't get these visions out of my mind. They are just stuck there and I wish I could push some of them out for a while. Thanks for listening. Just needed to get that out. I know someone here will understand.

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I can relate to every word you said. I hate that this disease changes whole worlds. I have come to realize my life will never be the same.I hate that I live in fear of what will come next. I know that sick feeling you talk about and the pain in watching my dad really cry for the first time.

I try to stay strong and have faith. I believe in prayer and pray each day!

My life changed the day my mom was diagnosed, I just wish I could move past the fear.

I am sorry I didn't help much, but as you can tell your post touched my heart and I can truely say,I understand.

Prayers to you and our family,

Dana

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I do what you just did. Come here and write it down and then go away from the DARK PLACE. and trust me I have been to the Dark place too many times that I care to remember. The suns comin up tomorrow for sure for ya. I am praying for a bright happy sunrise too.

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I can totally relate. Life will never be the same. I want to turn back the clock too. When that bad photo album starts playing in your mind (that's the best way I can describe it), sometimes it's almost impossible to stop it.

It's amazing how so many things I used to think were important, just are so trivial now. Priorities change, forgiveness comes more easily, and I love you is said more often. And for that I am grateful. I try to redirect my thoughts, count my blessings, I pray, and I come here now. You are not alone in those feelings.

Hopes and prayers to you and your family,

Lisa

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I am not sure how we stop going to that dark place. I feel like it was yest I made the calls about my mom. Everything in life is now BC or AC, before cancer or after cancer.

I wish I could give you advice but all I can offer you is the knowledge that you are not alone :) Thanks so much for sharing yoru feelings so myself and others can know that we are not alone too.

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Coming here and venting was the best possible thing you could have done. Sometimes, even with a best friend, it's hard to actually "say" these words out loud. Here, we all relate to what you're saying and have either been where you now or are in the same place right now. You can't let all of this become trapped inside. Finding an outlet is the best thing. I can remember just getting in the car with the windows rolled up, driving around the block and screaming to the top of my lungs. Sounds crazy but it helped. I would feel about 20 pounds lighter (physically and mentally) when I got back from one of those drives. Please remember that we are here for you and many of us have spent a lot of time in the same "dark place." Saying prayers for you, your mom and your family.

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Unfortunately, dark places happen all along the journey. You will move off the "new diagnosis" place to other dark places. Everyone is right -- let it out here because we do understand.

I also think it is the shock of learning that your parents aren't infallible. I remember that time well.

The older we get the dark places become different -- I'm on Ann's page and like her technique. I often explain to my friends that there are times that I feel like running down the block, screaming at the top of my lungs, while tearing my hair out! :shock:

Feel free to share -- we love you and will always support you.

Welthy

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Wondermom:I now have a permanent parking pass to the dark place. I can completely understand where you are. (perhaps we are parked in adjoining spaces) I have begun to identify the route there and am working on changing those triggers.

So very sorry and maybe next time we can carpool? :wink:

Mary

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So sorry for what you are going through. This is so hard for everyone involved. It is the worse day in your life when you hear those awful :evil: words.

Dark places are okay, that is where we go to hide and dwell in pity, but that is only temporary, we have to get on with what is happening presently and just accept it is what it is. I seem to be using that expression so much lately. :roll: But unfortunately it is true.

Just know that you have many friends here who have gone through what you are going through. We are always here to hear you vent. It helps to get it out and write it down.

You can use us anytime as we have walked in your shoes.

I hope you are feeling better today, if not you will tomorrow.

take care... wishing you a brighter tomorrow.

Maryanne :wink:

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Thanks everyone. Today is a little brighter. Sometimes I am stuck in the "I can't believe this has happened" phase and I feel like I can't get out. You would think it would just sink in after almost 9 months! One good thing that has evolved from this situation is that I have become a more compassionate person, for sure. I told my brother once that this seems so bad because we have never had to deal with something of this magnitude before. When it happens to a friend's family or someone else you know, you feel bad and you feel for what they are going through, but when it happens to you, it puts that understanding on a whole new level. Now, not only do we feel for other people going through something like this, but our hearts break for them because we know first hand what it is like. That is why this site is so great. Everyone here really gets it. Thanks for the support!

~Jill

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Jill--

Looks like you've gotten plenty of support--but just wanted to say that I completely relate to so much of what you have said here. I too can get to such a dark place--sometimes, I find myself feeling so overwhelmed with anger that this has happened to us...and other times I am just flooded with sadness and fear that I am going to lose my dad. And then, there is the simple grieving for my old life, and for the future, for the fact that my dad may never get to meet his grandchildren...for my husband and I, that we have had to deal with all of this in our first year of marriage and it is so damn hard. As you can see, my pity parties can really get going some days.

On the other hand, I am a different person because of this and I also feel more compassionate/less judgemental of people...because you really never know what people are going through. And I am so grateful for the times that people are gentle and compassionate towards me during this period...

So, just to say, I really feel where you are coming from...and I thank you for putting it out there....because it is good to know that I'm not alone.

May you have eaiser days ahead.

Best,

Leslie

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I think we all understand so much of what you are describing. My dark place comes when I am alone or not with my mom. We had a talk this past weekend up at our cabin about her Dx. We both cried. It's the first time she has shared her fears with me. She said that she does not feel that she deserves her Dx -- however, she does feel that it is her turn. She feels this because she has lost her sister/best friend to breast cancer, her other sister has survived breast cancer, her mother had breast cancer and recently passed away from congestive heart failure. My mom's brother died from AIDS which ended up with a form of cancer. She just feels that it's her turn to understand the suffering of her loved ones. She said she's not saying this because she deserves it, just that now she understands. She also said that she can't believe how much chemo has changed since the 80's when her sister had breast cancer. She said, "I can't believe I never went with her to hold her hand through chemo or any other dr. appt. .........and here you are, going with me to every appointment. You and my sisters have held my hands through it all...from the very beginning. I am so lucky to have you all.....I just wish we had been there like this for Gail. She did it all alone, and acted as though it was OK." And then my mom said, "I don't want this to sound the wrong way.....but at least I know HOW I will die....I know WHAT I will die from. There is some weird comfort in knowing. The unknown has always scared me."

I just listened and cried. I returned home today fromour cabin. When I was alone in the car, I started to cry....thinking of our conversation and how much I love my mom. Just look at the new picture I've posted on my profile....look at the wonderful energy in my mom. She is a fighter!!!

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