Thank You Notes

[Tanner]

I know, I know, it has been almost 8 weeks and I am just now getting out my thank you notes. I am usually so good at getting out my thank yous within days of holidays, birthdays, celebrations etc. But this . . . this has been hell. You know it's true.

I just can't seem to get around the present tense / past tense thing. Karen will always been in my present tense. But how do I write "Karen so appreciates / appreciated the food the visits the love etc" ? I write to her closest friends - "Karen loves you so much." How on earth do I write - loved? It seems so unreal. So outside of my experience. So outside of life. I am still tripping on - how can my wife be dead? And - why is my wife dead? How do I make the leap to speaking about her in the past tense and more importantly - do I even want to?

Anne

[Suzie Q]

Anne,

Would it make it any easier if you wrote, "...your visits, calls, gifts of food were much appreciated." That way, it makes it clearer that not only were those things important to Karen, but also to you. And maybe it takes the sting of present/past tense away just a bit.

~Karen

[kamataca]

It's a bugger, all right. I still refer to much in the present tense---or at least to ownership..."mom's house" is now owned by someone else, but it's still hers.

I read that there is no 'time limit' on grief thank you cards. I hope not--I still have one set outstanding. Give yourself a break, and be gentle to yourself.

Love to you and the kids.

Kelly

[Ann]

Yes....writing those notes can be really hard. It seems that writning things down on paper makes them become so real. It took me quite some time to get my thank you notes written. Every time I would write something, I would read it over, break down, throw it away and start all over. Maybe instead of focusing on the reason you're sending the cards, you can write little notes about a happy memory that you have about Karen and the recipient of the card.

[teriw]

Anne,

I understand -- I struggle with that when speaking and writing, and I notice that I flip back and forth. The first time I used the past tense, I felt a sense of horror, and betrayal. When referring to our bedroom, sometimes I say "our room," and other times I say "my room." I prefer to say "our room."

No easy answers, but I understand.