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Those Ups and Downs


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All I can say is that I'm really glad that they have antidepressants on the market. This has been a rougher road than expected and I'm still not sure which way is up half the time.

I find myself, often now, sitting and *really* missing Mom. We finally got to try bottle-feeding Xavier today. I called all my friends and told them...then sat there feeling empty because I want to tell Mom. I know she knows, I know she sees. But I miss calling her! It's not that I miss her voice...I have a DVD that I can pop in any time I want to remind myself. I miss the physical act of picking up the phone and dialing. And calling my friends doesn't seem to help.

As I sat there holding him last night he was smiling those great gas-bubble smiles and I just started laughing and crying at the same time and whispered to him, "Grandma's talking to you, isn't she?" because one of Mom's friends used to tell me, when Sabrina was a baby, that it wasn't gas bubbles...it was Angels whispering to the baby. I hadn't even thought about that again until I saw him smile. I seriously think the nurses in the NICU think I'm a lil off my rocker with all the laughing through the tears that I do in his room...and all the talking, seemingly to myself.

I wish I could say that I've had a moment or two when I just *knew* Mom was nearby, but I haven't...I know she's keeping an eye on us...but mostly it's just my faith that Heaven exists and since it exists, Mom *must* be watching.

I just miss her so much. I miss having her here with me to face all that's going on. I hate having to be a grown-up without a back-up. And I'm really, really tired of feeling dumped on by fate. (That's my pity-party for the night)

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I am sending a big cyber hug. This hug is for the happiness of your new beautiful baby and also for the saddness of missing your mom.

I too believe your mom is looking down and holding that precious baby near. I believe in time you will "Feel" it and know!

I can't say I understand, because I haven't walked in your shoes, but please know your family is in my prayers. We are all here to support you.

Sending prayers,


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We all hate being the grown up-- it sucks being the one that makes the decisions. I sooo envy you this time in your life though...I think the best times of my life were feeding babies...bottle feeding the adopted ones and nursing Jillian. There is just nothing more special than snuggling a baby. I think your mom is with you and you will see her in Xavier. I hope you have him home soon.

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What a little darling Xaiver is!

Is understandable to see how happy and sad you can be at the same time. You've been through A LOT!

I miss my mom too, and wonder if she hears me. I just don't feel her around and it makes me sad. The day after she died I found out I have to have surgery... right away I wanted to talk to her, and ONLY her. I even sent an e-mail to her.

Sorry this may not be much help, but I am thinking of you.



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I've been off-line for several days, but I've been thinking of you so much. What a blessing Xavier is!

I love that you told us about the gas bubbles/angels. My brother is expecting his first child in Nov...I'll have to share that with him.

I haven't really 'felt' Mom either--I just take that to mean that she is so happy in heaven, that she doesn't have to reach out to me---that she knows I'll be OK. Maybe that's just what I tell myself...

Take good care of yourself---try to get some sleep!


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I love knowingf what those "gas bubbles" really are. You mom is with you and more importantly she is with the baby as he figures out this whole being on the outside thing.

You know you brought a bit of your mom into the world and that means she will never be completely gone.


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Pity parties are ok every now and then, and in fact, I would like to come to many of them! Stay strong. Life is so hard after giving birth, and then having a baby in the NICU is hard too. I totally understand why you would like to have a good ol chat with mom!

Blessings...and by the way...I love the idea of the angels! Great!


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Missy, all I can say is I know, I know. A friend of mine sent me the following e-mail when I was close to giving birth, and I was mourning the fact that Conor would never meet my mom:

"I know you prayed she would see your baby but don't worry she did. All babies have angels to play with until they are born (notice the kicking) and I am 100% definite they introduced your Mom immediately."

That made me smile through my tears. Kind of like what you said about the little "smiles" they have. I would always think that it was Mom making him do that, not gas!

I'm sorry you are going through this right now, it's so very painful. And have as many pity parties as you want, that's what we're here for.

How is Xavier, you mentioned he was in the NICU? I was so excited to realize that he was born already! Congratulations!!!!

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