This is a little creepy, but...

[teriw]

I remember some time back when I would be sitting at the computer reading and writing on this site. I would never come in the grieving section, because I frankly couldn't deal with it. I'm amazed at those who are fighting who do come here to offer support. And I thank you.

This is the creepy bit. I remember sitting here, with Bill downstairs or in the next room, or even here next to me. I would think, "there's potentially going to come a time when I'm sitting here, Bill is gone, and I AM in the grieving section." It freaked me out then, and it's kind of doing it now. Perhaps because I've been reading Bill's old posts -- when we were just starting the fight. We had hope, despite the odds. I SO hoped to never be hanging out "down" in the grieving section, but I'm so thankful it's here.

Did anyone else do this?

I think I'm still struggling with the finality of it all. I do okay -- pretty good actually -- when I live in the moment. The minute I allow "the future" to worm it's way in, POW! It hits me -- Bill is GONE.

I know I'll see him when I pass -- I KNOW it. I know he's alive and with God in his HEALTHY body. But I won't ever share a cup of coffee with him on our patio, I won't hear him call Mrs. Dickens in that silly voice he'd use, I won't get another birthday card, we won't get to do all those things we wanted to do together.

That sucks.

Sorry to be depressing on a Sunday night...

[laban]

Teri,

I'm so glad you continue to share with us what is on your heart. Yes, oh Yes, you will be together again but know that you will also have the rest of your life here on earth, first. He will be watching over you, nudging you when you might be doing something funny or goofy and knowing that he's up there saying, "Teri, I love you so much."

Hang in there, you'll have many, many wonderful thoughts and some dark ones. God is with you all the time and you now have your own personal Guardian Angel.

[RandyW]

THE sun will come up tomorrow, Don,t worry. We all get in that dark place ands especially at certain times. I understand what you arre saying

[Nick C]

Teri, I basically shot straight here. I only posted 2 times before Mom passed.

So I didn't have much time to ponder the difference.

Yesterday in church we prayed for someone who was near the end. And the pastor said: We often pray for healing of the body, and God can do that, but what we all can rely and pray for when that day is done is the real healing that happens after we're done here. That's where the true HOPE is.

Don't get me wrong. Bodily healing would be nice, but we have to have faith that we will be healed and happy and this is just a vacation and we'll rejoin eachother again one day.

In the meantime though, it does suck!

[Kasey]

Wow, Teri, your post is just amazing. You see, I have suffered grief, but not for the loss of a husband........just grief one would expect after living as long as I have ~ losing others. I cannot even begin to understand the depth of such a loss and I am just so very sorry. But when you stated you'd never receive another birthday card ~ I wept ~ and still am. You see, today is my birthday. Fred rises earlier than I do, and by the time I do get up, he is in his study doing 'stuff', so I come right to my computer. Sitting there, propped up, was a birthday card. Upon reading your post I got the very vaguest hint only of the loss of a wonderful husband. No more birthday cards ! Seems a little thing to most, doesn't it? Well, thank you for allowing me to see how HUGE that really is.

I guess I have made this too much about me here, but Teri, through your very personal sharing of feelings, you are such a support, as well as, well.....downright inspirational.

I come to the Grieving forum to offer support. I am exiting it this morning havig been supported......by YOU, you wonderful lady. Thank you. I pray that you can 'feel' Bill's presence each and every moment of each and every day.

Kasey

[lilyjohn]

I too came here several months after Johnny's death. Had I found this site before his death I would have avoided this grieving place like the plague. When I did come here I found what I needed to get me through some very tough times.

I learned to never look to the future. I would live minute by minute. I tried to physically absorb the nature around me and live only in that. The future was just too frightening to even consider. How could I possibly make it an hour, week, month or year?

The truth is I have made it for nearly 5 years now. There are still times that I am afraid to look to the future. That is alright because the future is something that is yet to come. Living this minute is what really counts and I try to do that to the fullest each day.

Johnny and I were only together for a short time before his death but he was the one who had pet names for me. He was the one who could make me laugh when I was upset or frightened. He was the one who made me feel whole and wanted for myself, not just needed. When he was gone I thought I would die myself just from the ache to see his face or have him touch me again or call me one of those special pet names. I understand so well what you are saying.

Just hang in there it does get better. I won't lie to you there will always be times when those feelings overwhelm you but as time passes they come less often. May God bless you and give you peace.

[mary colleen]

Teri,

Your message isn't depressing, at least not to me. I love that you share it all with us here and I think that we all benefit from your insights.

I also think that you are doing just great from a functional standpoint. The inner storms are harder to weather. You will weather them, of course.

Please take good care. MC

[J.C.]

Teri,

My husband is gone for nearly

four years, but I still have

all the cards he gave me during

the forty three years we were married

so I still put the cards out for

all the occasions........and I don't

have dry eyes when I see them.

Just a way to feel him near me.

Jackie