bfdboston Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Ronald Palazzolo, age 47 November 5, 1959 - August 19, 2007 Ron was my best friend. I was his primary caregiver for the past four months and was with him every single step of the way from when the cough started in December to finally the diagnosis on May 25, 2007. He passed away on Sunday, August 19, 2007 at 1:15 in the morning. Ron was only 47 years old. He leaves his mother and four sisters, several nieces and nephews and many friends. He suffered during his last days and his family became the most horrible people one could ever imagine. Because I was his legal health proxy and in hospice care at my home, when it became too much towards the end, I suggested we go to his house where there were others who could assist with the caregiving. That lasted all of one week and they then wanted to have his medication "adjusted" and then bring him back home (he was showing signs of dementia). Needless to say, they were just selfish and didn't want to deal. They lied to Ron and got him, upon entry to the hospital, to sign another health care proxy form which he did, and which the attending and nurses said he was heavily sedated and not able to sign the form naming his mother and sister as the proxy. I was not allowed to see him even until I showed my proxy and the lawyers from the hospital then agreed I could see him. All he wanted was not to die in the hospital and be at my house with his family to access him. I did it for months without help, I could have done another few weeks, but I could not take him out of the hospital and the family would not either. He begged me every time I saw him to take him, but I had to tell him I couldn't because of the proxy issue. Ultimately, he became agitated and restless and the new proxy (the mother and sister) requested his medication DECREASE, so, in turn he became very agitated and then assaulted a nurse and a family member. Now he was going no place. He did not eat or drink for 15 days while in the hospital. It broke my heart the family would not take him home. There were four sisters, a mother, nieces and nephews and myself who could've done what the nurse did at the hospital (a non hospice facility as well), which was give him medication on time. The family had issue with that. Ron finally died on August 19th. He did not die peacefully and it was because of his family. He asked me on his deathbed days prior "does my family love me?" I had to answer, being the true friend I am and always was and will be, "I don't know". I couldn't have the heart to say no, but I don't think the answer was yes. Even he wrote down a list of seven (7) things he wanted upon his death. His family made sure none of those wishes were met and they had the paper written in his own handwriting. From simple things as to what he wanted to wear; to who was to read the eulogy (he wanted me, but I was not asked by family), to wanting pallbearers (all of who were strangers which was an insult to him); to where his final resting place was to be. They had him buried where he did not want to be, and there was no reason why he couldn't have been buried at the cemetery of his choosing (it was in the same town and they were doing burials). Since this began I have given my total support to Ron being his advocate, protector, coordinator, spiritual counselor, business manager, housekeeper, nurse: a caregiver. I can put my head down at night knowing Ron knew that and he thanked me and told me he loved me over and over and could not thank me enough. I was the one who took the misdirected anger from his dysfunctional family and the only one who suffered was Ron. They have to live with themselves with that. I do not. However, I am deeply bothered by how they made Ron's final days full of hell and how they lied to him and deceived him and tricked him just to leave him in the hospital. It's not right. Thursday, after the funeral services, one of the sisters (the worst of the bunch besides the mother) called me and was crying and crying and wishing. Wishing? I told her, just what I thought, she will have to live with herself knowing she made her brother's life hell in the end and not abiding by his wishes. Even to the point of not letting me, his best friend, see him. And would not be in the room when I was there. I slept on the chairs in the middle of the night even in the hospital so he wouldn't be alone. She did nothing but get his car and the mother did nothing but continue collecting the money from his business. My friend Ron was a good man. He suffered terribly with pain. He was used by his family and he knew it. But he knew I cared and loved him and helped him all I could. I just pray he found peace finally and is with God. And his family should be ashamed of themselves and that hospital for honoring a proxy which was not valid and creating suffering to someone who was dying of stage IV lung cancer. God bless you Ron, I will always love you and please watch over me as you promised and wait for me until the time comes when it's my turn. This was a rewarding experience to help my best friend. We both know and God knows. Love , Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I am sorry for your Loss Jim. I know that you 2 will be together again some day. YOu did everything you could do and it is terrible that things went the way they did but some peopple just do not seem to care. Remember the fun and the good times. Hold yourt own service memorial sometime and do it the way you want and THat Ron would Want. Let the tears flow and the grief take care of you. Do not let the coulda woulda shoulda and the guilt take over and consume you. That is not healthy. Prayers Thoughts and Condolences. A big hug for being understanding and putting up with the Family. Do what you want whe you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Jim My heart breaks for you and Ron and all that you both have endured. Randy is correct in saying that you will be with him again. It is so tragic that the family was unable, unwilling to honour his wishes in the end. From what you have shared with us here, I believe that you did all that you possibly could for Ron and I feel very, very strongly that he knew and knows to this day that you were there and continue to be there. Please know that we are all here to help you through this painful time. Let us know what you need, be it a shoulder to lean on or just someone to listen or anything in between and we will do our best to help you through. Too many of us understand the loss you have suffered. Sending you many prayers and hugs Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Jim, I am so very sorry for your loss. I believe you did everything in your power to make things as easy as possible for your friend. Unfortunately, illness and death often seem to bring out the absolute worst in families. Please don't feel that this doesn't happen to others, as it does. You can go to sleep at night with a peaceful mind, knowing you did everything you possibly could to help Ron. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Jim, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please know you have my prayers. Eternal rest be granted unto him oh Lord, and may Your perpetual light shine upon him always. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Jim, your story just breaks my heart, but it's obvious that a truer friend couldn't be found. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I'm so saddened how many times these trials do not brng out the best in people...if anything, many times they amplify the worst. And for that I am sorry. Ron is certainly in a place where there is no pain and no sadness. And any pain and sadness he may have experienced has been washed away. But I know the pain for you is still very real. And I am sorry for that and sorry your friend is gone from you for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 I know so well what it is like to do everything for someone with no help from anyone else. I know too what it is like to not have any legal rights and to have the person you love and are caring for have their rights ignored or abused. It is not fair and it hurts but there is nothing you can do to change things. My own experience left me angry and bitter for a very long time. I knew how much Johnny and I both suffered because of his rights being denied. I wanted to see the ones respnisible pay but the kind of payment I wanted to see never took place at that time. It has been nearly 5 years now. The wrong done was never openly acknowledged but I know that in many ways those responsible know what they have done and probably have paid for their greed and indifference. As for me I have pretty much let go of the anger. I began to realize that the only one it was hurting was me. It was also turning me into someone my Johnny wouldn't even recogize and I feared that enough to give up my fight for justice. I took what I learned and put it to use in other more positive ways. The painfull memories still make me angry sometimes and I still feel that we were both cheated but I know one thing that no one can ever take from me. I have Johnny's love and always will. I had the one right that no one could take from me and that was the right to love him with all of my heart and have that love returned. His last days were a nightmare for both of us but I know beyond a doubt that he is in a far better place where I will join him someday. Let the anger go and remember the good times so they don't get lost in the memories of those last days. Life and love are precious and our loved ones know and understand and wait for us so that someday all of the pain will be washed away when we join them. Take care of yourself. Let them learn for themselves. I found out that people who do those things realize more than we think just how wrong they were. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sis Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Jim, Everyone should be so lucky to have a best friend like you. Bless you for all you did. My sincerely sympathy for your loss. Ellie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Jim, Ron was truly blessed to have you for a friend. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Jim, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Ron. You did all you could for him. Keep the good memories with you. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bfdboston Posted August 29, 2007 Author Share Posted August 29, 2007 Thank you for all the support and kind words. Yes, I know I did all I could for Ron. I did my crying while he was alive, but accepted the fact he would die from this disease. What I did not prepare myself for, nor am I able to fully understand, and accept I may never understand, is how a family could be so cruel to their own flesh and blood. I immediately completed a 5 Wishes form and had it signed off by witnesses, sent copies to my own family, doctor, boss at work, friends and put copies in my home where it may easily be found. This hospital violated a legal health proxy. The doctors told the mother I was the proxy and the lawyers told the doctor I was not. The doctors, nurses and other health professionals at that hospital were on my side and Ron's, but they wouldn't let him go because fear of a lawsuit. By the way, I did file a complaint with JCHAO and the Office of Civil Rights and have heard back from both. They're pursuing my allegations, which is backed up with many documents. My only hope is, if it comes down to any lawsuit or settlement, I am taking every single penny of the money and devoting it to a scholarship fund for Ron's nephew. I will not keep a dime of it. But, this hospital must pay for their terrible deeds. They made my friend suffer, and, I suffered watching him suffer. And, I can sleep at night knowing I am a good friend. His family, however, will have to answer to someone (and the hospital lawyers and administrators) much bigger than me. While I accept Ron's death; I can't accept the way he died. It bothers me terribly. It was not supposed to be that way, that's why he named me the proxy. The family turned on him, the exact reason why he did not want them as the proxy to begin with. Anyway, thank you for listening as I'm just saddened by what happened. Words can't describe the pain I feel. Best regards, Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Jim What a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry for you and for your best friend, Ron. You clearly did everything in your power that you could for him, and everything that happened against his will was completely out of your control. That doesn't make it any easier to remember, of course, but I hope that in time you can have some sense of peace knowing what you did for him, and that he knew he was loved. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 I am so very sorry for your loss and I also sorry to hear what all you had to go through to try and care for your friend. Prayers Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bfdboston Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 Thanks so much for the support and kind words. I will definitely keep you posted. This is more of a right to die issue and control over one's self than it was about Ron's death to lung cancer. This could be me, you, your mother, father, son, daughter, friend, companion. I cannot stress enough for everyone to get a "5 Wishes" form and fill it out and have it sent to those who need it: proxies, family, doctors, keep it somewhere it will be found when needed. You may download a copy of the form from here: http://rapidshare.com/files/52164770/5wishes.doc.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerri Gottlieb Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 "bfdboston"]Ronald Palazzolo, age 47November 5, 1959 - August 19, 2007 Ron was my best friend. I was his primary caregiver for the past four months and was with him every single step of the way from when the cough started in December to finally the diagnosis on May 25, 2007. He passed away on Sunday, August 19, 2007 at 1:15 in the morning. Love , Jim You weren't just his best friend, you WERE his family. And he was extremely lucky to have you. It seems like he knew it. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. It is still so new, how are you doing?? I'll keep you both in my prayers. What is a 5 Wishes Form??? My father and myself are my Mom's medical health care proxies. Is this the same?? Kerri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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