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SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER


ginnyde

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I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open

for the same reason.

I no longer have any s avings because I gave it to a

sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will

change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has d my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are

actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or

feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though

I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone

along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl

in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of

water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones

because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will

drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since

they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and

don't support our American troops or the Salvation

Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill

with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore , and

Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus

since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine

because a big brown African spider is lurking under

the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my

butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up

$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas

from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000

people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with

diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this

afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest

your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know

this will occur because it actually happened to a

friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's

second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from

Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that

people with insufficient brain activity read their

e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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