Mefoster Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Here I sit by myself. At this time last year John and I were driving home from the hospital that we would frequent for the next 7 months. How can it be one year and everything so "changed". He had his bronchoscopy on August 31, 2006 and was admitted overnight for observation for excessive bleeding from his lungs. After the procedure his pulmonary Dr. told me the area he biopsied was much larger than he anticipated and looked to be cancerous. It was confirmed the next day. I remember that night. We didn't pack anything as it was to be an outpatient procedure. We lay in that single hospital bed together as they continued to come in and take blood samples and blood pressure readings all night long. We talked but not a whole lot. We were numb more than anything, anticipating the results of the next day. We held each other and made lots of eye contact, knowing what was going through the others mind. The nurses brought me blankets a hospital gown and shorts to wear for pajamas. I had a recliner I could sleep on if I wanted but I didn't sleep at all that night. I remember watching animal planet and John watching his car restoration program. What a long night and following day. We met his oncologist the next day (Sept. 1st) and discussed treatment options. After an extremely long day they finally released him on the evening of Sept.1st. The hospital is 40 miles from our home. It seemed we had been at that hospital for weeks and took forever to drive home. Now here I am, alone and missing him so terribly bad. I remember these days as if they just happened. I don't post very often but do read many your posts. I think about you all daily and feel for all who are just beginning, going through or have ended this journey. I was looking at my journal I started at the beginning of all this and at the end of Sept. 1, 2006 entry I have written "and so our journey begins". Sadly our journey is over. I miss him and will love him forever. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 I'm glad you came tonight to "talk". I'm sorry that you are so very sad, but understand in the way that all of us do here. Life is forever changed from the moment we all set foot on the path. I do remember your journey with your husband and also from "chat". May time be more gentle to you and God hold you a little tighter today. Stay around. God gives us all strength, courage, and hope in the darkest hours. By the compassion he has shown us, we can help each other here on earth. Many Hugs, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 I know your journey well, and I know the heartbreak. I know the act of re-living the entire thing over and over. The diagnosis -- thinking of all the other possible things it could be. And the realization that sinks in when treatment starts. (What are we doing in a chemo room?) How can a year make such a difference? I ask that all the time too. A year ago we were leaving together for England and Spain for a family visit. A year later I'm getting ready to leave to the same destinations to scatter my husband's ashes. It hardly seems real. I'm sorry for your unimaginable loss. Keep posting -- we're listening. Hugs, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 This isa new Normal in our Lives. A sad and tragic one but a new one. Everyone tells of the new normal when diagnosed, but this one is so much more difficult to accept and takes more time to adjust to as well. Hugs and Prayers and Positive thoughts this morning... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Your writing so clealy captures the difference that a year makes for all of us. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this right now. I'd offer you a hug and a cup of tea if I lived nearby, but you'll have to settle for a virtual one. Take care of your yourself. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Your post really hits home and it has been nearly 5 years for me. Sometimes we look at life and wonder if time will ever pass and others we look at life and it seems that it has been speeded up to move so quickly that we are dizzy. Bad things and bad memories seem to last forever especially when you loose someone who is so much a part of you. To tell it does get better will do little good now. That is something you will have to learn for yourself. I used to think if only I could go back and change just one thing the outcome would have been different. I was so sure and I just knew I was having a nightmare and when I found the right words or the right solution it would end and I would have my beautifull life with my Johnny back. It took me a very long time to accept the fact that things could have changed with one word or one act but it just wasn't meant to be. Life is a puzzle and just when we think we are beginning to understand how it will all fit the pieces are moved around and nothing the same. Unfortunately there are too many of us here who understand what you are feeling. We can only pray that somehow we will find a way to live with the life we have now and keep that other life as a very sacred memory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Your post really hits home and it has been nearly 5 years for me. Sometimes we look at life and wonder if time will ever pass and others we look at life and it seems that it has been speeded up to move so quickly that we are dizzy. Bad things and bad memories seem to last forever especially when you loose someone who is so much a part of you. To tell it does get better will do little good now. That is something you will have to learn for yourself. I used to think if only I could go back and change just one thing the outcome would have been different. I was so sure and I just knew I was having a nightmare and when I found the right words or the right solution it would end and I would have my beautifull life with my Johnny back. It took me a very long time to accept the fact that things could have changed with one word or one act but it just wasn't meant to be. Life is a puzzle and just when we think we are beginning to understand how it will all fit the pieces are moved around and nothing the same. Unfortunately there are too many of us here who understand what you are feeling. We can only pray that somehow we will find a way to live with the life we have now and keep that other life as a very sacred memory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 I guess it is a blessing that none of us know what a year can bring.... your post touched my heart. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharonjo Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Mefoster, Your post has brought back memories and emotions for me that I thought I had stashed away pretty well. It is so unfair, I hate this disease!!!!!! I am sendig prayers your way tonight. I hope that Our Lord will give you the strength and courage to continue your journey without your beloved husband by your side. God Bless, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoopyfn Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 I am sorry.... I too have been remarking to myself what a difference a year makes! Just one year ago...there was no knowledge of what was to come...it was still 6 months away! my husband has been gone now almost 8 weeks...I can hardly believe it.... I walk around with a big dark cloud over my head...it has been there ever since we got the diagnosis...and it never went away.... I dont know if it ever will.... I was driving home this afternoon and drove by the hospital that I had to take him to several times and his oncologists office is across the street.... on the way home on that familiar route...I started thinking about the last day when we had to call 911 b/c his pain was not being controlled by hospice... I remembered riding in the ambulance to the hospital and how even though my mind knew he was about to die...a big part of me still wasnt believing it.... it was hard today...as everyday.... I am so sorry for your pain... I feel it too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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