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How do you deal?


Joseppie

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Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I've posted here, so I hope you don't mind, but I need your guidance. I'm approaching the 2 year mark since I lost my best friend to sclc, and it's still as hard as that first day. Me and their family are drifting apart alot each and every day. Family is extremely important to me and I know it was to my friend. I just feel like I'm disappointing my friend even though he is no longer here because it seems I've disrespected his family. I am not as strong as he wants me to be nor as his family is, but I try. He was my right arm, and I miss talking with him, especially now with the things that are going on within my family. My father is dealing with bladder cancer, and he's going for his check up this Friday. He has given up, because of the re-occurence. He's only 59, but now I have taken on the responsibility of watching out for my parents and my siblings. It's alot to take on, especially because I don't have my friend to lean on. All of my "supposed" friends, I don't hear from anymore. But, like I mentioned before, losing his family, hurts me the most. I have tried my best, but there is so much I can do. I understand that it might be too hard, and that's fine. But I feel that I have hurt them and disrespected them and there is no turning back. And I don't want my friend to see that I've hurt his family or disrespected them, because I would love to see him again, when it's my time. But it feels like I'm hurting my future as well. I may sound kinda crazy, but I'm not...lol. Thank G-d for this website! I care for you all and I wish I was more active on this website! I think of you all often, pray for you everyday for all that you've gone through and continue to go through. It's not easy! Thank you again! My prayers are with you all! If you'll have me, I will try to be there for you all each and every day!

All my thoughts and prayers!

Joseppie

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Reaching out after a period of time, or from time to time is still nice and I am sure would be received nicely.

We still do dinner with Mom's boyfriend, and I talk with him on the phone but not like we did the weeks and months following mom's death.

It's natural to let it be...well...natural.

I'm sorry for everything else you are going through. But know that those who you may be losing touch with...there is never any harm or shame in reaching back out.

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I agree with everything that Nick said. I also think that many times when people leave our lives, the door is opened for someone else to enter it. Just prior to Bill's cancer diagnosis, we lost some friends that we had been close with -- mainly due to drifting apart. We chose to let that friendship go. Shortly after and even more so after his diagnosis, it's like the floodgates opened and people started to enter our lives that were just amazing. Look for it. God provides us with what we need (not necessarily what we want), but we have to act on it and be open to it.

Perhaps the family needs a little space to go through their own grieving process. Sometimes giving space can be the most respectful and kind thing you can do.

Take care,

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Joseppie,

Welcome. I am so sorry about how hard things are, and I wish I could zap that away for you. You have come to a wonderful place, and of course, we will have you! Stay strong and know there are others out there to support you and to hold you up. Every day you simply do your best, and that is all you can.

Blessings,

Jen

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I have learned over the last 6 monthes that you can only try so hard to please and do your best for everyone. When Ger died I believe I made all the right moves with funeral arrangements and burials. What I learned during that time was that some family are more into it being about them - instead of their loved one or even myself and our children. There are still even being 6 monthes now and almost a year since diagnosis that choose to separate themselves from us. Maybe they just can't deal with their own grief. Maybe they are afraid of me moving on. My only advise to you is that as long as you truly believe that you have done your best please have no regrets as to what they might think. It is hard losing family as you have already lost your good friend....you don't have to move on - but you need to be happy too.

Heather

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My sentiments echo Heather the most. As long as you know within yourself that you have done your best and are at peace with your efforts, that's absolutely all that matters. When I say that, I mean first and foremost that you are at peace with all your efforts toward your best friend -- that's what matters the most in my experience. Everyone else's opinions come secondary when you've given your very heart and soul, worry, and sweat to someone struggling in this journey. That you did your best in the journey (and after) with your best friend means that you did not disrespect anyone, no matter what anyone else says in the family and friends circle.

This journey is so very hard and I found that we just can't please everyone else. There isn't time nor the energy left to do that -- it's us as the closest caregivers and our loved one struggling in their journey. Anyone else needing attention just must adapt, hurt feelings and all, or leave. We have to accept that along the way -- they may return or not and somehow that has to be OK for us.

What others do in response when they might feel that we haven't done enough for them, as hard as it is to realize that they just might drift from us, really can't matter to us. We just can't please everyone as absolutely hard as we try to accomodate (oh and I'm sure about all of us have tried that one).

Yes, I too miss talking to certain folk that used to be in my life -- it really hurts at times too. At the same time, I've got new folks coming into my life that I don't quite understand yet, but there they are and they fascinate me......just figure I've got to be willing to let go of my hurt and pursue the fascination to heal.

Linda :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

My dear Joe,

I has been a while since we spoke..I will always love you and consider you a very important part of OUR Family!!

I know how my brother Mark respected you and cared for you..That can never change..

I have been in my own world since Mark died..My sister had a little Angel and my brother is not here to love and share our joy!! WHY??? Why did The Lord take my dear brother??

I know I cannot ask why, but I do..Joe,please forgive me..I do love and miss you...

Please realize I will never get over this loss in my life and will never adjust to my new world with out my brother..

I love ya still Joseppie :wink:

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