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8 Weeks


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On Monday, Sept. 10 it will be eight weeks since Bill died. I still have a hard time saying or writing or thinking that: Bill died. There's a major sense of it being surreal or temporary. It only occurred to me earlier today that I've had that sense since he first became ill. Never 100% believing it all. Not total denial, but compartmentalized denial, if such a thing exists. I think in some ways it helped us, and in some ways it hurt. I continue to operate compartmentally today -- I no longer know how to go about it any other way.

On Wednesday I leave for England and Spain to spread the first two of three lots of Bill's ashes. I'm feeling good about the family aspect of the trip. I think it will bind us together in a new way. I'm no longer nervous about that. But I'm nervous about the reality of the loss hitting us all at once when I arrive without Bill. Will I know how to comfort the kids in their grief? Will they want me to? Will I hold it together? I don't know. I'm also nervous about the very thing I look forward to -- coming home and attempting to slow down. Living in a constant state of distraction and pre-occupation does have its upsides.

I still can't believe it's eight weeks.

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The only thing that don't stop is time,

I think we stop when we face death and

just live in slow motion for a long


I still can't say ''died'',

I still say ''Mike is gone'' or

''since Mike left'' and that is

after nearly four years.

I wear a wee urn on TWO chains with

ashes from Mike, this I won't part with.

Let people comfort you as much as you

will comfort them, the trip will see

tears and joy and you will find all the

words needed to bind all of you for




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I cannot believe it is eight weeks either, Teri. It is both a lifetime and a mere heartbeat.

In my eyes anyway, you are doing just a stellar job at dealing with all that has come your way. Godspeed on your trip. May it bring you comfort and love. I know that is what you will be offering to Bill's family.


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How could it be 8 weeks? You truly inspire me with the way you think things out and forge ahead. It's not easy. It has been a little over 1 1/2 years for me and I don't think I have yet learned how to rationalize my thinking so that I can move on. I'm not sure I have really reached acceptance yet. I still feel in limbo like I'm waiting for something. God Bless you Teri.


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That unreal feeling is there to help you through each day. I think without that we would just give up and die too when we lose someone so close to us. You feel like it is a nightmare and it will end soon. Even as reality sets in you will still have that feeling linger at times until the end of the first year. That is when it really hits you that you are not going to awaken from the nightmare. It is real but by then you have lived with it for a whole year and realize it can be done even if you have no idea how you did it.

In time things start to change slowly. Mostly you don't even notice the small changes. I can honestly say that the first time I had a really good laugh that I really felt was nearly 2 years after Johnny died. I never thought that I would laugh again but a very funny play I went to with one of my clients made me laugh. It was like a revelation to me that I could actually laugh and feel it. So things do get better.

You are so much farther along than I was at 8 weeks but you have loved ones around you who will comfort you. You are also able to carry out Bill's wishes that should help you a lot. Take care and have a safe trip. I'm sure it will be hard but I have a feeling it will give you a sense of release as well. I'll be praying for you. Lillian

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I'm sure nothing seems terribly natural and real. I still find myself there almost a year later from time to time.

It's only 8 weeks. I always tell people, don't beat yourself up for any emotion and don't think that once you've exprienced it, you'll just put the emotion away...it may come back. And when it does, it's OK.

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I pray for you to have a safe trip. You will know exactly what to do when you see the children. I don't think its something you can "plan" it is something that will come from inside your heart as soon as you see thier faces. This journey will be a milestone in your life - I wish you the strength you will need to see it to fruition. I will keep you in my prayers. Love, Sharon

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