Hugh

[Candy]

Well, its been over a month since Hugh has gone and I don't feel any better. I try to do all the right things - I go to water arobics twice a week, I walk on Sundays with my sister-in-law and I accept most invitations to go out to dinner with my friends. The problem is I don't find much enjoyment in any of it. I won't stop doing it because I think its important to keep living. The time I spend sitting home crying is certainly worse than the time I spend living and not enjoying it. Does that even make sense? I just go through the motions and every single day I seem to miss Hugh more instead of less. Someone told me that I would eventually go through a "stage" when I was angry at him for leaving me. I doubt that, I could never be angry at him for something he couldn't help and didn't want. At first I had no anger at all - just overwhelming sadness and lonliness. I have that anger now, its just directed at cancer itself not Hugh. I hate this disease and I want there to be a cure or at least a treatment that could control it much like we can control diabetes. I hate my life without Hugh.

Before I said I could write a book listing things NOT to say to people waging a war for their lives. I could add a section already on what NOT to say to grieving family. Can you believe that my sister told me last week that I needed to move on???? In less than a month I am supposed to be moving on? I need to add that I don't even voice any of this to her, she calls and asks how I am, I say I am doing okay. The other day she replied "good" and reminded me that Hugh was 12 years older than I am so he got to live 12 more years than I have already. I have yet to figure out what her point was with that and it really made me angry. Because I really couldn't make sense of what she meant I simply replied that Hugh was much to young to die and she should know as she is the same age as he was. She did the "moving on" from there to tell me how I could have another relationship and I simply had to get off the phone. I know she doesn't mean to make things worse but... I swear I will never even remove my wedding ring. I wish people could understand that at this point I don't need their pep talks I just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell me they understand how bad I feel. IF I am, at some point, sitting in the house with the shades drawn and not going anywhere than I will accept the pep talks and the moving on lectures.

[norme]

Candy,

Have not walked in your shoes so don't have much to say except one cannot forget a loving spouse overnight, over a month or over years. I do believe though one has to move on in life but that to will come with time and I think you know that, no one needs to tell you. Your sister is probably hurting for you too and just doesn't know how to help. I am sure she means well for you. Keep doing what you are by going out with friends and time will heal and the sun will shine again for you....My heart hurts that you are having to go through this.

[Eileen]

Candy---no matter how old someone is ---they are too young to die from the point of their loved ones----You grieve just the same no matter how old anyone is and I am so sorry for your sister's insensitive remark

you are doing all the right things---you are going out trying to do things which is probably more than I would be doing if I were in your shoes.

I agree, you do not need pep talks, you need time to grieve---It has only been a month---if we could get over losing our mates that quickly, what does that say about us?

You are doing fine, and in time the pain will ease---But I would not call it "moving on", that is implying that you have forgotten your life with Hugh---I would just call it "living and remembering the happy times without the pain"

so sorry for your loss

[dadstimeon]

Hi Candy,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Below is an article regarding grief and some places to go. I believe only someone who is experiencing the same feelings you are would really understand. Same thing with lung cancer only people who have or had it really understand our situation. Hope this helps. Take care and God Bless.

Rich (A Bay Stater Also)

http://www.townonline.com/watertown/art ... 102003.htm

[Tim'sKathy]

Candy...I understand !!! I am experiencing the same thing..as a matter of fact, tonight I had to go to Tim's nephew's wedding that WE were supposed to go to together...and everyone said how my sister-in-law told them how "well" I am handling this. They should see me when I am here in the house alone...I think that opinion of how I am doing would be different.

I miss Tim so much..and I know what you are going through. Hang in there for Hugh..he would want you to be ok..that is all that is keeping me going..that promise I made to Tim that I would be alright (sometimes I curse myself for making that promise !)

Love,

Kathy

[/u][/b]

[glo]

Candy

I understand. I'm just a few steps farther (timewise, that is) along this road than you are. Yesterday was two months from the day Chuck died. Age makes no difference; length of time with them makes no difference; it is just an almost unbearable loss.

I don't believe I've had one full day without the tears and pain, but we do manage to at least look outwardly like we are functioning. And yes, I do make myself go places with people and then feel so alone and frozen in the middle of others socializing. It's hard to answer "yes, I'm doing ok", but what else are we to say? We can't continually break down in front of others, or they will begin avoiding us because it's an uncomfortable situation and they don't know what to say.

I've gone back to work and even though the job seems so much less important than before, I'm grateful that I have it to fill some of my time and distract my mind. My daughter comes to my house at least three times a week, and we function much the same as before, but we aren't talking to each other about how hard it is, because we each don't want to multiply the other's pain.

I survived the death of my 21 year-old son in 1989 and thought it was the hardest thing on earth to do, but this feels even harder right now. I know from experience that I'll never stop missing them, but it will get a little less painful with time. Seems that our brains have to relive over and over that last part of their lives, as if we can somehow change it and get them back. Oh, god, if only that were so.

I agree with others that your sister is being insensitive. I have four sisters (3,000 miles away, unfortunately) and not one would think of saying that to me. I'm sure she means well, but she obviously doesn't understand. There is no "moving on"; there's just incorporating it into your life and getting by anyway you can.

Each weekend if I can do the most necessary cleaning and laundry routines and get even one other chore accomplished, I count it a success. I think in these two months, more tears have gone down my shower drain than water!

The holidays are bound to be hard for us, too. I've already had my daughter's 29th birthday without her Dad and she was extremely close to him. Not sure how we'll get through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I know we will.

Candy, feel free to PM me if you just want to vent.

Wishing you more peace each day.

Gloria

[Ann]

You know from the other post how I feel. Everyone has to move with things in their own time. We are different from other people that have lost loved ones. I believe my grief began the day Dennis was diagnosed. When we find a loved one has cancer....especially sclc....we begin the grieving process. Although we hope and pray and believe in miracles, we also read statistics and hear other stories. I can definitely relate to your first trip to the grocery store. I had been hopping in for weeks in an attempt to find something...anything....that Dennis would eat just a bite of. I was always picking up the little puddings and yogurts, as he would manage a bite of these now and then. When I went to the grocery for the first time, I really lost it when I passed that section and didn't buy anything. I cried all throught the store and ended up buying three bottles of wine...that's it...three bottles of wine. My son was with me and felt he needed to make some explanation to the cashier. When he did, she started to cry and gave me a big hug. She had recently lost her husband and remembered her first trip to the grocery.

[t_beanes]

I just opened the fridge this afternoon to find chicken jelly from a meal I made for a friend yesterday.

I broke out into tears because Richard loved to eat that ...even during Chemo.

Just sat on the kitchen floor dispairing once again.And Richard is away since February.....all you are saying happened to me too in one form or another.

I started not to tell anything anymore.Just keep my mouth shut.It does not get any better.Not in my case.

Richard was 9,5 years older then me and we both never felt that.

I am still catching myself wanting to buy things which he would have liked to eat. It is so painfull.

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

I don't have any words of wisdom Candy, but you are in my thoughts