teriw Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Hi everyone, I feel like it's been ages since I was here, and I'm just starting to catch up on everyone. Wanted to give you all an update on my trip to England and Spain to scatter Bill's ashes (still have the last third to do here at home). I just returned late last night. In a word, it went as beautifully as it possibly could. The lead-up to it and the first day and a half were excruciating to me. Packing the suitcases, being at the airport, and arriving in England without Bill felt like I was breaking every fundamental law of nature. The first night as I lie alone there, I just wanted to get back on a plane and come home. I'd never felt so far from him since he'd been gone. I cried hard. I know it was equally as hard on my beautiful step-kids and other family members. (What on earth are we all doing together without Bill?) On day two, things started to gel. The initial shock of being together without our Bill turned into us all being close and supporting one another. We scattered the ashes on Saturday. We chose a beautiful woods area where Bill used to spend time with the kids when they were little. There was myself, my parents, Bill's son, daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law, niece, and nephew, as well as the kid's mom and step-dad (who we're very close to). We prayed, some read scripture, we all shared stories of Bill, and encouraged one another. The day was perfectly beautiful and the sun shone through the woods over-head. We all had lunch in a pub close by and shared some more. I think we all really needed this time together more than any of us realized. When I left Tuesday afternoon for Spain, I felt incredibly close to everyone and knew without doubt we were a "forever family." In Spain we were reunited with my sister-in-law and her husband. They had been with us here for weeks and I couldn't have imagined going through those last days without them. We scattered the ashes there on Thursday. We drove up to a spot in the national park there that Bill and I were very familiar with, and we have our pictures there from a few years earlier. The ashes of two very good friends were also scattered in this location. Some good friends of my sister-in-law's joined us as well. This one was less emotional, probably because myself and my parents had been through it in England, and because there weren't all the family members like there were in England. But although a severe storm threatened our day, it held off until that night, so the weather was perfect. We all went to lunch afterwards. My sister-in-law has a little book she likes all of their visitors to sign (they have a lot!). As I signed it the night before we left, I looked back to almost exactly a year earlier when Bill and I had signed the book together. I had forgotten that we had made a plan to come for Easter so I could photograph the beautiful Easter processions the Spanish do. Bill wrote in the book, "see you at Easter!" How quickly our life and plans change. I was anxious to get home. I know the hardest one is yet to come, when a friend flies me over the Mojave dessert to scatter the last third. We will have a dinner with family and friends afterward. I haven't planned it yet. I thought it would be sometime relatively soon. Now I'm not so sure. I don't feel ready. The other two I viewed more for other people and for Bill. This last one will be the "us" portion and I'm dreading it. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that's what it's all supposed to symbolize, but I can't say it. I still talk of Bill as if he's coming home. An odd detachment is noticeable when I tell stories, or speak of how he might have responded to some situation we all find ourselves in. I wonder how long that will last. The thing is, I don't really want it to go away, because then it will all be so real. I've missed you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mary colleen Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Teri, I'm very happy that your trip was so good. The biggest outcome there is that you cemented your ongoing, permanent family relationships...which means that Bill lives on in a very important way. MC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie22 Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Teri It is so good to have you back. It sounds like England went well, although it seems heavy. The connection you have with his family is such a blessing. As far as the last 1/3 of the ashes, please do so when you are ready. I have not been ready yet and it has been over a year. I communicate with my mom's family all the time, and they are letting me decide when, we know where. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Teri, I give you so much credit!!! Really. You've been super brave and have given Bill such fitting tributes to his memory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev'sSister Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 I know Bill is proud. Glad to see you back. We have missed you! Love, Bobby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Teri, It is so good to know you are back home safe and sound. The trip sounds like it went very well and your family was truly "together" in every way. I am sure it was strange and difficult for you to travel without your soulmate. Take all the time you need to make the final leg of this journey - it is important that you are in the right "place" in your head before taking that final step, as it is a big one. As always, you are in my prayers. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leela Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 What a beautiful story. I am in awe of your strength. Welcome back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sis Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Welcome back, Teri. We missed your posts. You described your trip so beautifully. I can just imagine how emotional this must have been for you. Bill is smiling down on you, his family, and friends. You've made him proud. Ellie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Welcome home. It is so nice that everything went so well. I think you are incredably strong. As for talking to Bill you never have to stop no matter when you spread the rest of his ashes. He will always be with you and it is good for you to be able to feel he is near. Now take a break and catch your breath. You have done well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lc46 Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Welcome back... I'm glad your trip with your step-kids went well. You will know I'm sure when the right time is to scatter the rest of Bill's ashes. I hope you are doing ok... Dar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Teri, Welcome home and bless you on your strength. Finish when the time is right for you. Hugs, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Wow. You are such an inspiration. You write so vividly of your trip, that I felt like I was there. Bill was so articluate in his posts as well--I'm just imagining the conversations you two must have enjoyed together, and how very difficult it is to have that silenced. Take your time until you are ready for this last one. You are most likely right--the first two were for others, and this one is for you two. I don't know how one can ever be ready for that, but you will know when the time is right. Glad to have you back...I missed your 'voice'. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Teri, your trip was such a glowing tribute to Bill. I believe we all feel the deep love you had -- have -- for each other. "teriw" This last one will be the "us" portion and I'm dreading it. I'm not ready to say goodbye. We scattered the ashes of my father-in-law in 1997, and my father the following year. Of course that's very different from what you're experiencing, but for us, the scattering was not a goodbye. It was simply a thoughtful way to carry out their wishes, to allow something they no longer needed to merge back with nature in a place special to them. Their presence is with us as much as ever, and we have a little table with their photos and a few momentos in our living room. Some in Hawaii keep cremation urns in their home indefinitely, and no one I know thinks that odd in the slightest. Take your time and follow your heart. My Aloha, Ned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Terri--I'm so glad that your trip was good and you were able to accomplish your purpose--especially in being with Bill's children. You all are always going to be family because you will always share your love for Bill. You'll know when the time is right for the final journey. Listen to your heart. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Teri, Glad you are back and that two third of your objective went well. Take your time with he ashes you have, you will know when the time is right. Hugs Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trish2418 Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Your strength inspires me. Trust your gut and you'll know when it's time to make the 3rd trip. Take good care of yourself. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonia Owen Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 How you doing? I am so pleased that your trip to UK,gave you and the family,such a special time together,its nice to talk of your loved one,laughing,smiling,even some tears. Time kind of heals things,but its just lovely to think of good times had. Its a beautiful time here in the UK,all the leaves falling from the tree's,their,colours carpeting,the earth. I love this time of year.My dog Ash,likes his early morning walks. My Son and his girlfriend are coming to New York,on Dec 18th,for a few days,it will no doubt be very cold out there at that time of year.They want to go ice skating in the park.I am sure they will have a super time,with all the Christmas festives. Take care Love Sonia UK XXX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted September 26, 2007 Author Share Posted September 26, 2007 Thanks everyone. Ned, thanks for pointing out something I knew deep inside. No ceremony has to mean "goodbye." You're right, it's the act of carrying out a wish. A beautiful and meaningful wish. Thank you for that. Hugs to all, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Welcome back home, Teri. Scattering ashes...........I envision them becoming one with the universe ~ thus with one ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE. That's different than saying good-bye ~ quite the opposite. Just another way of looking at it. Take as much time as you need for the 'us' time. You will know when it's right. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lennonsgirl Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 You did a really amazing thing in England and Spain. Take the time you need for the last part. Who knows, Bill will probably provide you the strength to get through it. Love and hugs, Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 BEAUTIFUL! Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lennonsgirl Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 You did a really amazing thing in England and Spain. Take the time you need for the last part. Who knows, Bill will probably provide you the strength to get through it. Love and hugs, Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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