teriw Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Hi everyone, I feel like it's been ages since I was here, and I'm just starting to catch up on everyone. Wanted to give you all an update on my trip to England and Spain to scatter Bill's ashes (still have the last third to do here at home). I just returned late last night. In a word, it went as beautifully as it possibly could. The lead-up to it and the first day and a half were excruciating to me. Packing the suitcases, being at the airport, and arriving in England without Bill felt like I was breaking every fundamental law of nature. The first night as I lie alone there, I just wanted to get back on a plane and come home. I'd never felt so far from him since he'd been gone. I cried hard. I know it was equally as hard on my beautiful step-kids and other family members. (What on earth are we all doing together without Bill?) On day two, things started to gel. The initial shock of being together without our Bill turned into us all being close and supporting one another. We scattered the ashes on Saturday. We chose a beautiful woods area where Bill used to spend time with the kids when they were little. There was myself, my parents, Bill's son, daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law, niece, and nephew, as well as the kid's mom and step-dad (who we're very close to). We prayed, some read scripture, we all shared stories of Bill, and encouraged one another. The day was perfectly beautiful and the sun shone through the woods over-head. We all had lunch in a pub close by and shared some more. I think we all really needed this time together more than any of us realized. When I left Tuesday afternoon for Spain, I felt incredibly close to everyone and knew without doubt we were a "forever family." In Spain we were reunited with my sister-in-law and her husband. They had been with us here for weeks and I couldn't have imagined going through those last days without them. We scattered the ashes there on Thursday. We drove up to a spot in the national park there that Bill and I were very familiar with, and we have our pictures there from a few years earlier. The ashes of two very good friends were also scattered in this location. Some good friends of my sister-in-law's joined us as well. This one was less emotional, probably because myself and my parents had been through it in England, and because there weren't all the family members like there were in England. But although a severe storm threatened our day, it held off until that night, so the weather was perfect. We all went to lunch afterwards. My sister-in-law has a little book she likes all of their visitors to sign (they have a lot!). As I signed it the night before we left, I looked back to almost exactly a year earlier when Bill and I had signed the book together. I had forgotten that we had made a plan to come for Easter so I could photograph the beautiful Easter processions the Spanish do. Bill wrote in the book, "see you at Easter!" How quickly our life and plans change. I was anxious to get home. I know the hardest one is yet to come, when a friend flies me over the Mojave dessert to scatter the last third. We will have a dinner with family and friends afterward. I haven't planned it yet. I thought it would be sometime relatively soon. Now I'm not so sure. I don't feel ready. The other two I viewed more for other people and for Bill. This last one will be the "us" portion and I'm dreading it. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that's what it's all supposed to symbolize, but I can't say it. I still talk of Bill as if he's coming home. An odd detachment is noticeable when I tell stories, or speak of how he might have responded to some situation we all find ourselves in. I wonder how long that will last. The thing is, I don't really want it to go away, because then it will all be so real. I've missed you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.