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Update on my trip with Bill's ashes


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Hi everyone,

I feel like it's been ages since I was here, and I'm just starting to catch up on everyone. Wanted to give you all an update on my trip to England and Spain to scatter Bill's ashes (still have the last third to do here at home). I just returned late last night.

In a word, it went as beautifully as it possibly could. The lead-up to it and the first day and a half were excruciating to me. Packing the suitcases, being at the airport, and arriving in England without Bill felt like I was breaking every fundamental law of nature. The first night as I lie alone there, I just wanted to get back on a plane and come home. I'd never felt so far from him since he'd been gone. I cried hard. I know it was equally as hard on my beautiful step-kids and other family members. (What on earth are we all doing together without Bill?) On day two, things started to gel. The initial shock of being together without our Bill turned into us all being close and supporting one another. We scattered the ashes on Saturday. We chose a beautiful woods area where Bill used to spend time with the kids when they were little. There was myself, my parents, Bill's son, daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law, niece, and nephew, as well as the kid's mom and step-dad (who we're very close to). We prayed, some read scripture, we all shared stories of Bill, and encouraged one another. The day was perfectly beautiful and the sun shone through the woods over-head. We all had lunch in a pub close by and shared some more. I think we all really needed this time together more than any of us realized. When I left Tuesday afternoon for Spain, I felt incredibly close to everyone and knew without doubt we were a "forever family."

In Spain we were reunited with my sister-in-law and her husband. They had been with us here for weeks and I couldn't have imagined going through those last days without them. We scattered the ashes there on Thursday. We drove up to a spot in the national park there that Bill and I were very familiar with, and we have our pictures there from a few years earlier. The ashes of two very good friends were also scattered in this location. Some good friends of my sister-in-law's joined us as well. This one was less emotional, probably because myself and my parents had been through it in England, and because there weren't all the family members like there were in England. But although a severe storm threatened our day, it held off until that night, so the weather was perfect. We all went to lunch afterwards. My sister-in-law has a little book she likes all of their visitors to sign (they have a lot!). As I signed it the night before we left, I looked back to almost exactly a year earlier when Bill and I had signed the book together. I had forgotten that we had made a plan to come for Easter so I could photograph the beautiful Easter processions the Spanish do. Bill wrote in the book, "see you at Easter!" How quickly our life and plans change.

I was anxious to get home. I know the hardest one is yet to come, when a friend flies me over the Mojave dessert to scatter the last third. We will have a dinner with family and friends afterward. I haven't planned it yet. I thought it would be sometime relatively soon. Now I'm not so sure. I don't feel ready. The other two I viewed more for other people and for Bill. This last one will be the "us" portion and I'm dreading it. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that's what it's all supposed to symbolize, but I can't say it. I still talk of Bill as if he's coming home. An odd detachment is noticeable when I tell stories, or speak of how he might have responded to some situation we all find ourselves in. I wonder how long that will last. The thing is, I don't really want it to go away, because then it will all be so real.

I've missed you all.

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It is so good to have you back. It sounds like England went well, although it seems heavy. The connection you have with his family is such a blessing. As far as the last 1/3 of the ashes, please do so when you are ready. I have not been ready yet and it has been over a year. I communicate with my mom's family all the time, and they are letting me decide when, we know where. My prayers and thoughts are with you.


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It is so good to know you are back home safe and sound. The trip sounds like it went very well and your family was truly "together" in every way. I am sure it was strange and difficult for you to travel without your soulmate.

Take all the time you need to make the final leg of this journey - it is important that you are in the right "place" in your head before taking that final step, as it is a big one. As always, you are in my prayers. Love, Sharon

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Welcome home. It is so nice that everything went so well. I think you are incredably strong. As for talking to Bill you never have to stop no matter when you spread the rest of his ashes. He will always be with you and it is good for you to be able to feel he is near. Now take a break and catch your breath. You have done well.

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Wow. You are such an inspiration.

You write so vividly of your trip, that I felt like I was there. Bill was so articluate in his posts as well--I'm just imagining the conversations you two must have enjoyed together, and how very difficult it is to have that silenced.

Take your time until you are ready for this last one. You are most likely right--the first two were for others, and this one is for you two. I don't know how one can ever be ready for that, but you will know when the time is right.

Glad to have you back...I missed your 'voice'.


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Teri, your trip was such a glowing tribute to Bill. I believe we all feel the deep love you had -- have -- for each other.

"teriw" This last one will be the "us" portion and I'm dreading it. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

We scattered the ashes of my father-in-law in 1997, and my father the following year. Of course that's very different from what you're experiencing, but for us, the scattering was not a goodbye. It was simply a thoughtful way to carry out their wishes, to allow something they no longer needed to merge back with nature in a place special to them. Their presence is with us as much as ever, and we have a little table with their photos and a few momentos in our living room.

Some in Hawaii keep cremation urns in their home indefinitely, and no one I know thinks that odd in the slightest. Take your time and follow your heart.

My Aloha,


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Terri--I'm so glad that your trip was good and you were able to accomplish your purpose--especially in being with Bill's children. You all are always going to be family because you will always share your love for Bill. You'll know when the time is right for the final journey. Listen to your heart.


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How you doing? I am so pleased that your trip to UK,gave you and the family,such a special time together,its nice to talk of your loved one,laughing,smiling,even some tears. Time kind of heals things,but its just lovely to think of good times had.

Its a beautiful time here in the UK,all the leaves falling from the tree's,their,colours carpeting,the earth. I love this time of year.My dog Ash,likes his early morning walks.

My Son and his girlfriend are coming to New York,on Dec 18th,for a few days,it will no doubt be very cold out there at that time of year.They want to go ice skating in the park.I am sure they will have a super time,with all the Christmas festives.

Take care Love Sonia UK XXX

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Welcome back home, Teri. Scattering ashes...........I envision them becoming one with the universe ~ thus with one ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE. That's different than saying good-bye ~ quite the opposite. Just another way of looking at it.

Take as much time as you need for the 'us' time. You will know when it's right.


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