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Something happened to me


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It's been 8 months since my Mom passed away. I have had a doozy of a time just trying to accept the fact that she is no longer here. I took myself to therapy b/c I knew once she left this world I was going to have a time at making it through. I fought and fought even understanding the concept that "my mother is gone." I could not comprehend it. It sat on top of my brain but would not sink in. In my mind I had the small delusion that she was just somewhere where I could not find her. I was so mad, so bitter, so bottled up, I could barely even let tears fall at her funeral b/c I felt my resistence to her passing was showing her cancer, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it that, "NO! I DON'T ACCEPT THIS!" For 8 months I had been like this. I felt that this was the best way to honor her. That if she existed anywhere she would feel my resistance and know I love her and miss her terribly.

For a week, I had been in a miserable state. I felt so overwhelmed that I seriously thought I would die. I could feel tears coming and tried to command them to come forth but they refused. It was like I wasn't in touch with my emotions about this event that occurred in our lives but it was coming for me. On Monday night I hit a low. I had been having trouble sleeping, when I would sleep I would have nightmares and not be rested when I awoke. As I laid down and tried to sleep all I could think about was how my mother that I love so intensely was now a cremated person; a mound of ashes in a box and it ripped me to pieces. I felt it was my fault she was there and that she thought I hadn't done all I could for her. The pain was so great that when I rose up out of my bed I fell down. It felt like someone had pierced my heart with a knife. I wept like I hadn't allowed myself to while lying beside her when she passed, or at her funeral or any time after. So I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor with a knife. I told myself that I would just try cutting and if it hurt I wouldn't go through with it but if the pain wasn't too much I would do it. Something made me stop and I called my best friend. She automatically realized something was wrong and I couldn't even speak I was hysterical. I got through that night and still felt miserable and was still fighting.

Then my "boyfriend" broke up with me. He said the fact that I hadn't accepted my mother's passing meant I wasn't emotionally available and he couldn't see himself marrying me. Just what I needed. I drank so much that my body shook and it took an entire day and a half for my body and brain to return to "normal." I was so bitter and so angry. Telling me that I'm not worthy to be with because of what happened with me and my mother. Well! It's none of his friggin' business!! I was just so mad. I called and texted and demanded to know why he thought I sucked. I resisted his thoughts about my emotional state and how by repressing emotions I was keeping myself from loving and being loved.

I went to therapy and I wept for the 2nd time (big step for me) and what my therapist was saying was starting to sink in to the logical part of my mind. Bad stuff happens to everyone no matter how good or bad they are...that it is not good works alone that will save me...that there is no way my anxiety and fear and worry will control anything in the world or any other person, that I didn't let my mother down, that the cancer was more aggressive than the treatment was, that on that final night I didn't know I was leaving her for the last time, she didn't know she was leaving me and the doctor's didn't know she was leaving either. Nothing I did could have kept her here...that it is what it is.

And then I went to work and had my yearly review and two things happened. (1) By my supervisor's review I realized that I do not suck as a person. I don't know why it just hit me then but it didn. She looks at me as a solid performer, who is intelligent and has potential. And I said, "All these people I cross paths with can't all be wrong, can they? Can it be that I'm pretty awesome? Can it be that it's not because I stink as a person and that I'm a failure that my mom's not here and that my dad doesn't love me the way he should and that I'm not in a relationship? That I'm not being punished but that life just happens and really does friggin' suck sometimes? Wait a minute...yes, it can!" (2) My supervisor lost her mother 3 years ago (not to cancer) but I wanted to talk to her to see what it was I was doing "wrong" in handling her passing. In this woman's words (I won't recap b/c I'm already saying SOOO much) truly touched my heart. It was like that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault! Well, I was watching the Grey's Anatomy spin off and there was a mother who had gone nuts and come to find out it was b/c she was having a hard time dealing with her son's passing from an aggressive brain cancer and felt it was her fault. The things the psychiatrist said to her like "I know it was hard holding him as he took his lasts breaths, but you did everything you could, he knows you did" really seemed to get through to me. As that fictional mother wept, I wept, b/c I felt someone was telling me to give myself a break!

I had the first good sleep I had in a long time that night! I even dreamt of my mother and I was needling her saying, "you can't be healthy. we gotta go to the doctor to make sure the cancer's not back" and she said to me "I'm cancer free! Chill out!" When I got up that morning I felt lighter than I had in a long time. It was like someone or something (I'm not especially religious so I don't know what to say this past week was) put me at the bottom of well of misery and sealed it shut to say "this doesn't work" and they uncovered the lid and light shine on me.

I cannot honor my mother if I'm mad! I cannot honor her memory if I'm bitter! I can't let the world know that one of the most beautiful, carefree, intelligent, funny, people I've ever met if I keep fighting the way I am. That's not what my mother was about. My Mom (Cynthia) was all about living. I truly don't know if I've ever known anyone to really live their life as they see fit. The only people she answered to were her mother, me and God! We never spared any emotion with each other. If anything we were probably sicking with how mushy we could be with each other. I know my mother loves me b/c she always told me. I know my mother is proud of me b/c she told me. I know she feels I'm the best thing that ever happened to her b/c she said so. I know she knows that I did all I could. I even heard her say to other people while she was sick, "without this girl I would be dead. She's saved my life so many times." I know she knows the love we have/had/will always have b/c she was more worried about what would happen to me if anything would happen to her. That's selflesness. I've gotta keep making her proud. I've got to spread the news about this awesome chick named Cyndi! Who better to do it than her only child?!

I cry more easily now. My heart feels like it's opened up and I swear I can feel her in there. I like to think that she exists somewhere and that she is happy and healthy. I hope that one day if anything after this exists that we'll be together again. I hope I am half the mother, half the woman she was.

I don't know what happened to me (I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac so maybe it's some type of brain disorder) but I love feeling that something or someone touched me to give me hope. This past week feels so much like it was meant to happen.

As always, thank you all for reading my post. I've stayed away from the boards b/c I get so overwhelmed with all of our losses. I was afraid to come here b/c this used to be the only "place" I'd let myself cry. I just love you all to pieces! I am soooo glad that Mom (one day maybe I'll have the strength to read her posts) and I found you all! I'm learning to be thankful for the people that I still have with me b/c that's in the spirit of Cyndi!

Kisses and hugs and love to you all forever!!


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I am so very glad you shared this with us and I am even more happy that you are on the road to healing. Nobody ever said it is easy and in fact this whole grieving deal is probably the toughest thing we will ever go through. It IS doable.. just keep talking, lean on us, lean on your friends and lean on your therapist. We ALL care.

Sending you lots of hugs and love,


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Ya got Me crying now... The part about mom being told sdhe is cancer free in your dream is strange. I had a dream after Deb passed and Her Oncologist said you are cured completely. Been nice meeting you Mrs. Wallin!! That is a beautiful and so very heartfelt posting. I hope you stay around if you want and We can help some too. Lot of us in the same boat here... Prayers And Hugs RandyW

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Wow, wow, wow, and WOW!

I am so amazed by your epiphany. I don't know why we sometimes have to sink so low before we rebound, but I am so happy you have. It gives me hope. I'm still at the 'trying to make myself have a good cry' stage. The tears well up in my eyes, but I stop before they fall.

At any rate, I think you are so brave to have shared this with us. You are giving people hope, and I wish you all the best as you continue this journey.

Your mom sounds like the most amazing woman. No wonder she left such a hole in your life. Kudos for you for trying to live your life in a way that honors hers.


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Oh Kim, thank you so much for sharing that. You are one wonderful daughter and person who is recognized as being a loving, valued individual with much self worth. This was brought out by others! This will help you through your grieving process. You are on your way back.

Moms are so special that no one could ever replace the loss we feel when she passes. But we keep her wonderful memories alive in that special place in our hearts that are just reserved for moms. There she will live on forever, through us.

I have not experience that extend of what you went through but I feel your mom had much to do with your healing along with people who are there for you to help you through this. Everyone grieves in their own way, it just took you awhile to let it out. That is a good sign along with your mom coming to you in your dreams. It really was her you know. Please believe that.

She could not go on as you were holding her back as she felt she had to be with you as she loves you and was so concerned for your mental state. Now hopefully as you heal she will move on. But she will always be watching over you when you need her most.

You are so right, one day (long long down the road) you will meet again and it will be glorious.

I don't know the extend of your relationship with your ex. Sometimes things like this shows how much a person loves you and stands by you. But I don't know how much he went through to help you. If it is meant to be you will get back together.

Please know that we are always here for you and we care.

You may want to start a scrapbook of your mom to save for your child which you will have one day. That is also a good way to heal.

You did everything you possibly could. You are on this earth in the physical state, take each day as a blessing.

Peace be with you as it is with her.

Maryanne :wink:

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Whew. I am just so in awe of how well you express yourself in this post. I can relate to SO MUCH of what you said, although I have never felt "angry," persay, just "defeated." I still feel this way, and Saturday will mark 20 months since my mom's death. I still have trouble believing she is gone, however, because it seems very wrong to me that I still walk this earth when my mother is not here beside me. I, too, feel as though it is my fault that she is gone and that I didn't do all I could for her. I STILL FEEL THIS WAY. But I also feel like my mother suffered enough, already! It was one major illness after another for her. This past Saturday, her birthday, I started to say, "She is better off," but I changed it to "I HOPE she is better off," because if anyone deserves a reward after their life on earth, it is my mom.

I personally think that it is your ex-boyfriend who is missing out, because even if you are repressing emotions, it is your body's defense mechanism (Which I feel is a wonderful thing, by the way) and it holds you up during these difficult times. You will know when is the right time to pick up the pieces, and no one can tell you otherwise. When that happens, you will be a better person for it, ready to accept love and give love yourself in a way you never have before. I do feel as though I am at this point in my life, although I still have a lot of other emotions to work on in the meantime. I have been married for twelve years so my husband has seen it all from me; I have buried all of my close family in these past twelve years.

I am also an only child. During her treatment, my mom also gave me all of the credit for getting her to the best cancer center. She told me through tears, "You are my rock, Erin." Since the day of her death, I have felt that my mom has wrapped herself around me, protecting me, loving me. I don't ever feel like she is spying on me, or judging me. I just feel SAFE.

I am glad you came back here! It is hard to be here at times, I know. On the other hand, I have met some of the most wonderful people on here and in person, and these are friendships that I will cherish forever.

And, by the way, I had my husband print out all of my mom's posts from here and put them in an envelope and seal it, along with a couple of very strong and touching emails she sent me. I have yet to go back to read them.


All my best to you,

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Oh Kim,

Your emotional up and down just tears at my heart. I wish I could reach through this computer screen and give you a great big hug! Continue to know that we are here for you. May you always know God's grace and His love for you.



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