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More cancer, a blood clot, and a failed surgery......

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Need I say more? As the malignant fluid was running through her body, it decided to make two new pit stops - mom has a met on her liver and now some areas in the "healthy" lung. Also the pleurodesis surgery that was 95% effective was not effective, and the fluid is back, and to top it off - while they were scanning her they noticed a blood clot near her heart. Looks like good old Tarceva has run it's course after 19 months. So, she's back in the hospital. I'm kind of numb today - since the last year and a half has been so good, I think I tricked myself into believing she would beat this. I still have hope, that's the only way I can continue without breaking down - but I'm so sad & angry, and feel like god has really screwed us over, she does not deserve ANY of this - no one does. I feel like I'm reliving the emotions I had in the first few months of diagnosis. Thanks for listening.

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Tonight, after kicking my own butt at the gym (something I haven't done in months...and my widening rear end & +12 lbs shows it) I realized that the exercise was exactly what I needed. I needed something to release the tears that I've been holding in for a couple of months. Everyone asks me, "How are YOU holding up?" My answer is always the same...."When she's good, I'm good. When she's not....either am I." It's that simple. I had a dr. appointment today for an annual checkup. Haven't seen this dr. in 2 years due to insurance denying me 2 years ago for post-partum depression....(it wasn't depression...it was PMDD -- but they messed up on my charts and I lost insurance. Thanks to HealthNet, I've got it again).....anyways, the point of all that is that I saw my dr. - the same woman who delivered my babies and who is my MOM's dr. I told her about Mom...she was so sorry. I also told her about some of the inappropriate nurses and staff that we've dealt with along the way (since they're all part of the same hospital). She was thankful I told her because every medical personnel should be held accountable, in order to provide only the BEST care in the future.

But I've gotten off track here.....she asked me, "How are YOU holding up? How are YOU doing through all this...???" And even though I said what I always say, I ended up crying my eyes out driving home from the gym tonight. I guess it comes in waves and I have no control. Mom is doing fine now....you look at her and would have no idea she was going through weekly chemo. She's so upbeat and full of positive energy. But it hit me...out of nowhere today. I am constantly thinking about her next test....either CT scan or PET. I'm just HOPING and PRAYING that it's the same or maybe even DECREASED all over. I can't think of anything else BUT those results. If I keep thinking that way, it keeps me out of the "DARK PLACE".

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I am sure it has to be so very heartbreaking and frustrating to have progression after such a long period of good health. I am sorry to hear this. BUT...hopefully, things can get back under control again. Maybe the next plan will work just as well as the Tarceva did. Praying for the next plan to do the trick.


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