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Am I Crazy?


teriw

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Reality is really weird. Sometimes (most times) I just don't believe Bill is really gone, and that all this is some kind of test. He'll be back in a few weeks or months and we'll talk about all that happened since he'd left. And that if I stay busy enough, I can go on with this illusion indefinitely.

Then someone else expresses their raw uncensored grief to me (in today's case, a friend's daughter wrote a heartfelt letter to Bill), and it hits me. Or I see an older couple, and my heart aches -- I wanted "us" to be that older couple. And I want to retreat from it. I get a sympathy card in the mail one day, and I just unemotionally read it, then set it aside. I get one the following day and I just stare at it in disbelief and sadness -- this can't really be for me. But it is.

For the most part I talk about everything with a weird detachment. I understand it's a survival mechanism, but it's starting to bother me. I went to my first grief group meeting last Sunday. I was the only one who didn't (couldn't) shed a tear.

In one way, I think facing the reality completely is the only hope to finding any kind of peace. Yet, I'm scared to death to face it completely, because the loss is too overwhelming.

This morning a frustration with my computer brought me to tears. Next, I was mad at Bill for leaving me with problems I can't fix, in a house that's more than I can handle, and in a life that was built for the two of us -- and just for leaving me in general. The next minute, I was filled with sorrow over my anger knowing how he would do anything to help me through, and he would have done just about anything to stay with me. An hour later I'm at work as if nothing in my life had ever changed.

There was a section in a grief book I'm reading titled, "You're Not Crazy." I guess that kind of answers my question.

It will be 12 weeks on Monday.

I'm rambling...

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It's ok to ramble Teri, and really, you're not...because in many ways, grief is like this for alot of people.

i can't begin to fully know your loss. I witnessed my mom, who lost her husband of 35 years. She would tell me that most days she "thought" like he was on vacation somewhere, she tried to keep herself busy, that he'd be back....someday.... I don't know when or if a transition ever happened for her into that "reality" or rather, finality, you wrote about.

for me, I try to live detached as much as possible. I won't let anyone judge me...because this is the only way I know how to be..those times when I really mourn and really grieve and really think about the reality of my loss...it's really scary...suffocatingly so...so I try not to go there at all if I can help it and boy I think I've been really really busy for 5 years now.

I don't know how else to be...and no you're not crazy...be however way you can be and let the feelings come.

Be gentle on yourself, Bill would want you to be.

((hugs))

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You aren't crazy. You are grieving, in your own way--the way that is best for you. It's kind of like parenting--grief doesn't really come with a training manual, and the ones they do write don't alwyas seem to apply.

I'm still pretty numb myself. In an analytical way, that bothers me. I wish I had more life and verve, but I just don't. I hope I will again someday, but this is where I am now.

I think you are remarkable, quite honestly.

Take care.

Kelly

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(((Teri)))

you know I know!, I can't believe this months Carlton will be gone for 8 months, I still don't believe it! Has reality set in for me, in all honesty, partly yes, partly no, I still cry everyday, but I have to go on. The hardest part that I have with all of this is that Carlton no longer exists in this world, nevermind his role as a father or husband, he's not living! If you got to know him, he'd walk into a room and everyone noticed, he was "full of life", people only knew me as "Carltons' wife".

I am sadden now, by the fact that I still love him so very much, but am so alone and lonely.

Yes, I have things to keep me busy, but not 24/7.

There are times when I have wonderful memories and feelings of Carlton, only in an instant to have that taken all away with the reality that he is gone.

there's no right way to grieve, or to live after this, we just keep on, I've learnt that I can't sweat over the petty stuff because life can change so very fast in an instant.

Teri - you know I'm here for you, PM me anytime.

take care,

Grace

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Hi Teri,

I can totally relate when you talk about detachment. I feel like I am trying so hard to go on with "life as normal". I feel like sometimes people think I am cold or unfeeling. But then I have my moments of pure sadness and I just cry and cry while I am in the shower. That is my alone time. That and in the middle of the night when my mind starts to wander. I think we all have our own ways of coping. None of them right or wrong.

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Hi Teri

I understand where your coming from. The weeks following my mother's death were a daze. I received sympothy cards in the mail everyday, and like you, I would read through them, sometimes, most times, just plain numb. It takes time to start to "feel" everything. I had and still have days where the loss is too overwhelming to think about. I touch the loss, hesitantly, because I know that the pain, the depth of the pain is endless. I feel for you. There is no normal way to grieve. I was unprepared for grief. Have compassion for yourself. Sarah

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Believe me, everything you are experiencing is completely normal and NO...you're not crazy. I think the very hardest day after losing Dennis was the day that I realized I would never again, in this life, see him. I don't know why that took several days to hit me but when it did, I thought I was losing it. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to be in the house yet when I left, I couldn't wait to get home. For the longest time, home was the only safe place I knew and I always felt that Dennis was there, waiting for me. Grieving definitely has a pattern and unfortunately each part is so hard! I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts through these bad times.

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