Jump to content

Feel so ashamed of myself


Recommended Posts

I feel like such a horrible person. Today is my birthday (39) and when my husband kissed me good-morning and wished me a Happy Birthday today I just started to bawl. I am so scared that this will be the last birthday I have with my father. We go tomorrow morning to get the results of his biopsy. I try to stay positive, but am finding it impossible lately. I do not think I can bare to see my father go thru what he is about to have to face. Then on top of everything else,(and the part I am really ashamed of) the other thing I am worrying about is whether I will develop lung cancer and have to go thru all this myself since my dad has lc. I admit that I am a hypochondriac and have been a chronic worrier for years when it comes to my health. My husband, God Bless him, calls me his walking miracle because of all the things I have "been positive" I have had in the past. Dad smoked for 43 years before he quit 2 years ago, and he also for 5 years hauled asbestos out of the mines in Canada. I do not know what his family history is because he was adopted and has never been strong enough emotionally to try and find his biological parents. His adoptive parents could not have loved or treated him any better than they did. They were wonderful people. I am 39 and was around second hand smoke from both my parents until I got married and moved out when I was 19. For about 1 1/2 years I smoked about a pack a week (peer pressure) and quit that stupid habit about 8 years ago.

I am sorry for this whining post, but I am feeling really depressed today. I think I am just terrified about tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening.

Teresa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First off don't be ashamed, it's an emotional time.

My birthday when mom was sick and for me today is still hard.

#2, re: your health, a pack a week for 1 1/2 years doesn't exactly put you in the "high risk" area according to plenty of definitions. I believe the risk level they are looking to make routine screening for a standard thing would be a pack a day for 10 years...

I intend upon turning 45 to have a ct screen once every 5 years...I've never smoked, I was around it growing up, and there was radon in my house...so I will be dilligent. But I don't live in fear of it...

Maybe you can have a screen or an x-ray every 5 years when you are at an age where your doc thinks it is appropriate...and then just put your fears aside knowing you are taking plenty of good steps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Teresa - I feel the same way, constantly thinking - will this be her last b'day we celebrate? will my baby remember her? will we make it to christmas? She lives with me, and I'm constantly wondering if she will wake up in the morning. I'm Queen of Worrying as well. I've actually went to the extreme of getting a CT Scan last year since I'm so freaked about getting lung cancer as well, I smoked in my 20's, and my mom never smoked or has lived with smoking - so I feel my risk is super high. I'll quit rambling - but my point is that you shouldn't feel ashamed, we all have similiar doubts and fears. Just some more extreme than others! :wink:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yet another unfortunate side effect of this stupid cancer. I remember last xmas, Col was just out of surgery, and in the middle of chemo, and beat down BAD. It hit me hard that day, as Jack opened his presents, thinking he's only two, he's supposed to have 100 of these with his parents by his side.

I have those days too, she has them as well. Sometimes, we can be out somewhere doing something and I'll see her across the room and wonder to myself. Then I say, wait a minute, we're out doing something, and we'll keep doing somethings until we can't do something. Sorry to blab. Just trying to let you know that it's normal, and that I hope you work through it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're having one of those days...we've all had them. I am super paranoid about getting lung cancer too. I haven't hit my new doc with that yet, but I will at my next visit!

My advice is to enjoy and cherish every minute that you have with your Dad. No matter where you are or what you are doing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Theresa, we ALL are at risk for some disease or another, simply by virtue of the fact that we are alive! We eat grilled meats, fatty foods, don't get enough exercise, smoke, drink, work in hazardous environments, you name it! But A + B does not always add up to C. It's all so complicated, and multiple factors come into play...but keep in mind that even some of those who live ideal "healthy" lifestyles can drop dead of a heart attack or stroke with little or no warning.

Bottom line, you do what you can to reduce your risk. Do NOT let the stress of your anxiety become an additional risk factor!

That said, I do sympathize with your thoughts. Whenever I have a lingering cough, I start to wonder...

Do try to live in the here and now. Enjoy every minute you have at this moment.

~Karen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy Birthday Teresa! I turned 39 this past summer and all I could think about was the fact that my mom will probably not be with me on my 40th birthday. I have to say that thinking that way robbed me of postive things that should have been taking place. My mom smoked for 69 years and quit a year before she was told that she has stage 4 non small lung cancer. This whole thing is such a nightmare! I think about getting lung cancer all the time. The truth is, we are all going to die of something at some point. If I do get it I hope I will have the strengh to deal with it like I have seen from those who post on this board. These people and the people who care for them are such heroes and heroines. I come here just to read and reread the posts on an on going basis. It's ok to fall apart. If you would like to PM me, feel free to do so. Take care sweetness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope you were able to salvage your birthday and make some good memories.

We've all had these feelings and the advice already has been really good.

Just enjoy what you have now, make every minute count and take it moment by moment so that it dosn't overwhelm you. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow- and to borrow words from the infamous Don Wood, "Don't borrow trouble", LIVE today.

(((hugs))) I hope today is better for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't feel ashamed of yourself. When a loved one is in the battle it is so hard not to do the 'what if' thing.... For both the 'will they be here's? and the 'could this be my future?' It's part all part of the emotional impact of this bombshell on your lives.

Come here and vent it, and know that we get it.

I hope that your birthday was special even with the what ifs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am feeling the same way. I am 37, almost 38 & met with a new doctor just last week to get a complete physical. He had me do a bunch of blood tests and is doing a biopsy on a skin mole that has some redness around it. My family is high risk for breast cancer, so lung cancer threw us off guard. We never expected lung cancer. But knowing that there is so much cancer in my family, I'm extremely paranoid. Unfortunately it doesn't force me to eat as healthy as I should (although I do try) and it hasn't made me stop drinking wine or beer occassionally, although I really want to stop all forms of sugar. But then I tell myself that I have to relax and just make healthy choices. I've been exercising again because I know a healthy heart and strong muscles can at least give me the extra strength IF I were to ever be Dx with any form of cancer. Just take care of yourself....we don't know how to PREVENT but there is prove that eating a lot of vegies & fruit and getting some exercise every day reduces your risk and makes you stronger for fighting off anything that MIGHT come your way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.