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delayed grief


mamasbabygirl

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OK, so I have looked it up and it does exist, but I wonder why NOW I feel so helpless without my mama. I have been fine for the past year, but ever since September 18, I have hit a brick wall-I need her here, my life was so much better with her in it, I was a better mom with her here, she gave so much love to so many people. Yet, there are selfish non-loving people left in this world and it's just not fair. I miss her, I call her old number, I send her text messages, I even talk (aloud) to her-am I losing it? Some people around me know that I am a mess and a few have been supportive. Anyone know what's going on with me?

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Hi Lori!

I think it's just over a year, isn't it? I would bet that has LOTS to do with how you are feeling. I'm sorry about that. I know the feeling of missing that 'mother' input into one's life. I still do ~ all these years later. In fact, just today, as I cried that my mother would be the ONLY one to understand what I was talking about. Be gentle with yourself and know others really DO understand.

Kasey

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This is something more than just missing your mom. I think the second year after Johnny's death was in some ways harder even than the first.

The first few weeks and even months after we lose someone we are trying to adjust. We sometimes feel like it is not real and wait for our loved one to walk through the door. It just doesn't seem real. It is a nightmare that we will wake up from someday isn't it?

After a year has passed and our nightmare continues we start to realize and accept that our nightmare is reality. That knowledge and accepting really makes it hit home how much we have lost. I really don't think you are different from anyone who is grieving the loss of someone. You are just realizing that you will not see your mom again in this world and that not only hurts but it really sucks :!:

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I think that the second year is harder, in some ways. For me, it's guilt that is added to the grief. Guilt for seemingly moving on with life; guilt for not thinking about my parents frequently enough; guilt for the relief of selling their condo and knowing that THAT one big thing was over and done with...

I know that this is not logical. Yet, I feel it just the same.

I don't know, Lori. Maybe a counselor can help. But what you describe sounds not too different from where I was not so long ago.

Hugs,

Karen

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I think it might have to do with the timing -- the one year mark. The "it's really real" feeling, and plus just missing her so much.

I'm earlier in my grief. I'm 12 weeks from Bill being gone, and just at the one year since diagnosis place. Every time I think "this time last year...," Bill is in the memory. After a year goes by and I have that same thought about 2007, he won't be (at least not in the physical sense). I imagine that will feel really awful. Perhaps that's part of it.

Don't apologize for it. Allow yourself to go through it, and perhaps even seek out a grief support group.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hugs,

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Perhaps Lori it is just hitting you that she is not coming home. That this is real and she will not with you.

I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and wish I could be there to give you a hug.

Did you ever think of making a scapbook of your mom to give to share with you children. Sometimes that helps in the healing.

I am so sorry you are going through this now.

Peace be with you. Remember she is not physically gone, she is only a whisper away and loves you so much.

Maryanne

Maryanne

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Hi Lori,

I don't know why grief hits the way it does, or when it does...I just know it HURTS so badly and sometimes trying to figure out why only makes it worse. Just be gently with yourself. As far as support from others (or lack thereof), people are very strange, they expect you to "get over it" and have a hard time dealing when you don't move on according to "their" timetable. Grief is a personal thing and NO ONE should ever try to justify why they are still missing the one they love. Love, Sharon :cry:

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You know Lori, how could we expect the impact of such awesome women to just gradually fade from our hearts and minds? We can't. My mom continues to impact me very heavily every single day.

I was just in a situation at work. As I detailed the situation to my wife, she laughed with tears in her eyes and said, "you were channeling Randy again!". And I was. And I think that is what brings the hurt back intensely. She can't be gone...she was just there...alive yesterday being funny and tough at work through me...but then I remember she isn't here and it's not the same...and it's like an anvil to the head.

The anvil hit me last night, and I could only get my emotions out one way, I looked at Keri and said (for adults only) , " This f$%^[email protected]( sucks" and "This is f&$#!$& B*^$ S&^@)"

Lori, it isn't fair. And I wouldn't expect us to go into this next year feeling better...we won't...but in the next year I think in our hurt we're unfortunately going to truly learn what life is like without them...but they raised us to not like it but to survive it.

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Lori (and Nick too),

I read somewhere--around the time I had just passed my one year mark with Mom and felt swallowed by grief again--that the first year is often still so full of shock--you don't BELIEVE that they are gone... and you still have all of those, "This time last years" when they were THERE with you.

The second year it begins to hit even more than I know it already has for both of you that she is REALLY gone. And I think that ache can just settle into your bones and hurt and hurt and hurt. I still have days where the ache feels like just too much.

Lor, I know you've been through grieving before (and I hate that for you so much too), and none of these words and ideas are new to you probably.... but sometimes it helps to hear it and to know that it happens to other people too.

FWIW, Someone posted this essay by Patti Davis (Ronald Reagan's daughter) about 'the second year' a LONG time ago... and I've read it many times since.

http://www.catholic-cemeteries.org/pdfs ... Fall06.pdf

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Oh Lori,

I’m so sorry your feeling this way. With just passing the 2 year anniversary, I can tell you I felt the same way. I’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a set timeline for our grief, you can bounce back and forth through the different stages.

For me, the 1st year I was still in denial a little. I knew she was gone but part of me felt like she was just away on another trip and she’d be back. I was so busy dealing with her estate and trying to get caught up on all of the things I had neglected while she was sick.

So when the 1st year anniversary came, the reality really set in. I felt like I had been run over by a train. I had a hard time believing that an entire year had passed that she wasn’t present for. SO much had changed and I got angry again.

Then at some point during the 2nd year, things started to settle in, another new normal. I started to notice that when I thought of her, I was now smiling not crying. I was able to fine strength in her memory and was reminded of how lucky I was to be her daughter and grateful for the time I did have with her.

I do feel our Moms will always be with us, guiding us. You know the times when you are talking with the kids and all of a sudden words come flying out of your mouth and you think, “Wow, that was so Mom!” There here.

Hang in there.

Patty

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Thanks guys. I knew you'd all have something to share and I appreciate your caring words.

I look back on year 1 and I can count on one hand the number of times that I cried. I actually felt really strong. I even went back to school finally!

Since the 1 year mark, I have cried more than I have in years. I guess this is reality settling in. I'm an action taker and so I think I will use some of your ideas to see if it helps. These days, I cry at any thought of her and so the thought of a scrapbook seems daunting, but I will try. I am truly experiencing delayed grief because for her celebration of life, I put together picture boards and, relatively speaking, was fine.

Grief, any way you are forced to feel it, hurts. It helps to know that you are still here for me. My love to each of you tonight...

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Thanks for your post. Life just isn't the same without our moms. I miss mine everyday. As the new life grows and moves inside me and my belly grows. I try to imagine what my mom would be saying/feeling...how excited she would have been. It's so damn unfair.

I plan to scrapbook a Grandma Pat book...I think it will be good for me and a way I ensure my baby girl knows what a wonderful grandma she has in heaven.

XO

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Lori

If your losing it...then I'm losing it too. I too call my mother's voice mail at work;I call to listen to her voice. Her boss never erased it. I call at night, when I know noone is in her office. I call and listen to her voice and imagine..if just for a moment..her here in front of me. I email her and funny enough..the emails never bounce back. I google search her name. I try and will her to appear in my dreams. I am amazed at how vacant my life feels without her in it. You are not going crazy, its just part of grieving. It hurts horribly. My heart goes out to you..I know how you feel. Sarah

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((((((((((((((Lori)))))))))))))))

There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said. When my dad died, the second year was worse, not that the first wasn't bad, but I missed hime more and more as time wore on.

Now with mom, there are days when I am right back down on my knees again.

I wish I had something to help you more, I know it is harder now when I am having trouble for anyone to understand. I get that look, even from my husband that says... gee Kim, its been a year and half...

I even caught him saying those ugly words... you know, everyone loses their parents eventually. He ate them quickly.

Hugs and prayers for you Lori.

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