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teriw

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Thought I'd give a little update and maybe some can relate. I keep wanting to post something, then sit down and nothing comes out. It's not that I have nothing to say -- it's that I have TOO much to say.

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I was all but sure I'd give notice prior to going on my trip, but knew I needed to once I came back. My workmates have been awesome and I'll miss them. Two of them have joined my team for the upcoming LUNGevity walk. That was a pleasant surprise.

I'm nervous about the change and relieved at the same time. There is so much to deal with here at home -- both practical and emotional. Our life was set up for us, not me -- and I'm not yet sure how to tackle that, but I need to.

There's also this strong, "I need to do something different" sense as well. Bill and I were such an "us" couple. Even our individual goals were wrapped up in each other. Mine still are and probably will continue to be for some time.

What's next? I'm not sure. I've decided to let it unfold for the next few weeks and see what it looks like. Emotionally, I'm still a bit all over the place, but most people don't see that. I've never eaten so poorly in my life, but plan to change that. (When did Reese's peanut butter cups start to count as a meal?) But I do notice that after I have a particularly difficult day, I get stronger. There is a therapy in the tears, especially the uncontrollable kind -- so let them out when they need to come. Having my grief group is extremely helpful. Having it be at church with people I know and trust is just that much better, for me.

It's only been a short time, but I've learned a lot about this thing called grief. I've learned that the people in my life can be an amazing support and that I have some awesome family and friends. And that even in my own grief, I can still give back -- that's really important to me. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I've learned that I'm useless at anything mechanical (I actually already knew that). I've also learned that some people say the dumbest, most insensitive things, but I eventually forgive them. I'm sure I've said my fair share of dumb things to people in pain too. (Bill would say, "that's no excuse!").

There have been way too many new updates in this section -- new people grieving, and that makes me sad. For all of you new people, just know there are some caring and wise saints who have been walking this difficult road here to take your hand and help you over the particularly rough bits.

This is a bit convoluted, but just felt like posting today.

Hugs to all,

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Teri

Glad to hear you have plenty of comfort and support through all of this. I have thought about you often. I hope as you continue through your grief you continue to get stronger. Take Care of yourself.

Dar

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Oh Teri,

I remember after my son died, I didn't know if I was going to be able to put one foot in front of the other. Everyday I got out of bed for the first 5 months after he passed thinking to myself the right foot first, then the left foot. Just feeling totally spaced out of my mind.

It's like we're in a pictue movie and we'er the ones looking out rather then someone looking in.

Up days Down days, good days, bad days, happy days, sad days. And yet some how we seem to pull ourselves through them. Kind of like with our eyes close. Then we wonder, How did we get this far today? Just flooting around in a cloud but landed softly.

Just want to send you a supportive ((((((((TERI)))))))

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I'm glad to see you post. I can hear strength in this post, and I'm so glad you have such awesome family and friends. Let them support you as you gain your footing into this "new" normal.

((hug)) ya right back.

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All I can do is try to imagine the journey you are now on. But I so identify with the 'us' type of life.....and I am just so sorry it didn't turn out that way. It seems you are doing all the right things you need to do to help you through. You are awesome, Teri ~ a true survivor.

Kasey

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Teri~

You have strength in the fact you came back to let us know your OK. I agree tears are medicinal,the uncontrolable ones can get sticky in traffic. Your truth brings it all home for a lot of us. cancer sux.

sending hugs your way. Mary

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For some reason we are meant to learn all of the things you wrote about. I will just never understand why we have to go through so much pain to learn them. I think we just have to trust God and know there is a reason. I doubt we would have learned as well had the pain not been so bad :!:

You are moving forward and that in itself is amazing this early in your grief. As for the part about being stronger than we knew, how could anyone go through the things we have without an incredable amount of strength.

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Teri - all of that sounds so familiar. You are doing great - grief is an extremely hard thing to cope with. I especially identify with the changing things that have always been "for us" to something that suits you. Seems there are two roads - those who hang on to all possessions (some even shrinelike) and those who feel the need for purging and changing. I'm in the latter group. I've been gradually catching up on all the things that need redoing in the house. Had acoustic ceilings removed, hardwood floors refinished, some fences built, new driveway poured and now in the middle of a bathroom remodel.

There's some sadness in realizing that Chuck would hardly recognize some of the rooms, and yet a pleasure in seeing the updates. House is 42 years old! I expect to live here a long time, so I may as well be as comfortable as I can afford - and the updates would add value if I ever need to sell.

I retired about a year and a half ago - the only thing I regret about it is not doing it sooner! :)

I'm sure you'll find plenty of things to do with your time - I can't even imagine going back to work right now.

So glad you have lots of support from family and friends.

(((Teri))))

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Teri,

For me grief is like

learning to walk, you

crawl first and try to

stand to fall again and

again till you can stand

upright with ''Where to go''

and when you have the direction

you want the bumps, the falls

and the wrong turns are there

to challenge you.

With time the steps

taken are more steady and

take you where you want.

Hugs

Jackie

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