stephnewyork34 Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 Hello friends, Well Mom, Judy B, went in to get her less harsh chemo today and they cold only do one part because it burned so badly that they need to put in a port, to her chest? Something like that, but they didn't tell her when they would do it, they can't tell her exactly when she is starting the cyberknife thing. She is worried about getting the four screws put into her spine for the cyberknife, (that happens on wed) and I think this time she is more scared because of the pain. We know that it wasn't mets, but just the orignial cancer wasn't all out, it had been against her spine, so it definitely was just the original one. So that is good, and they think they have it all out, but I can hear it in her voice. Today was a bad day, and that is okay, but it is hard, ya know? Also anything I post here, she will read, and so I can't really admit it when I am scared either. I guess I could make another alias, *hahhaha* well you know what I mean. I just feel all alone even though I know I am not, and I also need to be strong for her, for the family and also my friends aren't there to listen, except my one friend in Italy. I do think she is going to be okay, but I also get scared. For the most part Mom is super strong and a fighter, but it is just hard to be that way all the time. I think I am just afraid because it can happen so qucikly and things change so fast and frequently. Well I just wanted to share it all with you. Mom won't be on the chat Wed because she is going to Phoenix to get the screws put in. I may be able to get on, we'll see, but I won't have had talked to her if I do get on. Thanks for listening and please send Mom your support, emails etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niececola Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 Hi Stephanie, So sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel today, it is hard to remain strong all the time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom and the rest of your family! You will get through this, we all will. Any word on whether you will make it to NYC for the race? I live in NY and would love to meet up with you, if possible! Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lenr8 Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 There really shouldn't be any pain because when I had the gamma knife they gave me a local in each spot. I didn't feel the screw just the pressure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 Thanks, Stephanie, for letting us know what is going on with you and your mom. Judy, I'm sending big positive vibes your way! Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracy Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Sending many positive vibes and well wishes your way! I will think of you and your mother tomorrow....be strong, and if you ever need anyone to talk to I am here ( I felt like I had to hold the whole family up so I know what you mean) Hugs Tracy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Stephanie, Of all the things to hate about cancer, the fallout to the people who are connected with you and love you is so hard. I see my adult children struggle with my cancer. I know that in many ways it can draw us closer to each other, to appreciate all the moments we have, but I never forget that they are in need of "treatment" for this "friendly fire." All of you children of the cancer survivors on the list have a very special place in my heart and prayers, and I'm sure in God's heart. You are a blessing to your moms or dads and a testament to the depth of parent/child love. Take care of yourself and continue to lean on us. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niececola Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Thank you Margaret for your kind words. I know that everyone on this board is suffering terribly. I can not even begin to imagine how I would feel if my spouse was sick. (Guess I need to work on getting a husband first! ) The pain associated with losing my mother is at times just so unbearable. I keep thinking everyday how unfair this is, to us all. I feel blessed to still have her and try to remember this everyday, but it is hard b/c my mind is just stuck on thinking when the end is going to come. Praying very hard these days, especially today, that I will find some strength. I need to be strong for her and my father right now. Blessings to you all, Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea B. Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Margaret, Thank you for your thoughtful and endearing words. Stephanie, I too feel scared so much of the time. My mom was doing so well with her treatment and then in the blink of an eye she has been suffering so much. It breaks my heart. Oh how I want her to be well, so we can go on outings together, so she can play with my daughter. But for now we take the moments we get. And I cherish each moment. I hate cancer and all it does to our loved ones. Know that you are not alone. I send hugs your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Thanks Stephanie, For the update. I know its hard to watch our parents go through this. It always broke my dads heart because he knew that my heart was breaking for him. I just kept telling him thats what happens when we love, I hated that he had that monsterous disease, but I loved that I loved him. Does that even make sense? Hang in there Stephanie Judy will be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Stephanie, It seems cancer is a lesson in mortality... To some degree, everyone is aware that "Death" is out there, but unless we actually SEE it, it's out of our thoughts. Kinda resembles playing peek-a-boo with a baby - they don't seem to understand you are still THERE, even when their eyes are closed.... Can't say I'm enjoying my lesson, the thought that I could be gone before my child grows up is heartbreaking. I'm sure it's no different for parents who are older than me and want to see their children have children, be around to play with grandkids, travel, enjoy retirement....or people who are younger than me and want to graduate college, get married, have babies.... I have to admit, on good days, I'm all tough with "I'm gonna beat this thing" but on bad days (like lately), I'm a blubbering mass of goo with "What if I don't?" Everyone gets scared and has to find a way to deal with it - I kick the dog and tear apart my house (just kidding about kicking the dog, she's a sweetie - but I DO tear up the house....renovation is good for stress - causing it AND alleviating it...) Hang in there, Steph! We're all dancing this terrible dance together, but NO ONE wants the music to stop... Whatever happens, your mother will be fine....and if SHE wasn't scared, she wouldn't be human! Hugs, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted November 9, 2003 Author Share Posted November 9, 2003 Hey Folks! Thanks for all the nice posts. Yeah Mom was fine on Wed, She decribed the getting the screws like getting a stake in her, like a vampire. But she is doing well. She went back up to PHX to get a body old and goes back up tomorrow to get an MRI and then back up the following Monday and is stronger than ever. The day I wrote this original post, she was just nervous and talking about how this time around it is worse for her, I think the pain freaked her out and also, well you all know how it is. I know exactly what Snowflake was meaning about the beating it and then the "what if" stuff. I feel that way about Mom and I am sure she does too. I think that she will beat it and then I think, "what is she doesn't? What will I do, how will I survive without her?" Then I feel bad cause I am not married etc, and I think she won't see that, but I am not the traditional type anyhow and figure I'll get married on a boat or somewhere cold, and Mom wouldn't want to go anyhow. *hahaah* But the great news is that she is doing well NOW and NOW is what is important. I will keep everyone updated and thanks for all the posts and the personal emails. You are all what helps me get through this. BIG HUGS!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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