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A Rough Week Hits


patscan

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You think you are doing okay and then BAM--she's still gone. I was "back in the full swing of life" when it hit. Not sure where it came from. Maybe because her husband spread her ashes in her favorite spot last week, maybe because her first grandchild will be here in 3 months, but then again maybe this is what life is going to be like without her (good weeks & bad weeks).

I miss her everyday, talk to her everyday, but this week the tears are back, along with some disbelief, anger and a poor me thrown in for good measure.

I can't get past the memories of our last 10 months together. Grateful for the time spent together, grateful I was able to care for her, grateful she knew I was pregnant....but pissed that she went out the way she did. It happened so fast---it's really a blur now. She died July 31---feels like forever already.

I can't seem to get in touch with her "before" the cancer. Now life is a string of experiences before mom died and after. I am so profoundly sad....I want her back--the healthy mom or I want to at least feel her presence...can't seem to even get in touch with that.

Don't really know how to close this one, except thank you for listening and sharing.

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Candy

I think all of us who have lost someone, especially to this disease can relate to how you are feeling. I don't think the feelings ever fully go away, but they do become "tempered" with time.

I am glad you came here and shared your feelings. I hope we can offer you some comfort and help you through. Be kind to yourself and remember we are here for you.

Hugs to you dear Candy,

Christine

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Candy,

I know the feeling of replaying the final months in your head. The memories that are sticking with me are of the not-fun variety and I can't seem to get past them to the more fond memories. Even when I look at pictures from enjoyable times, it's like the chemo infusions, hospital visits, and doctors' appointments are playing on a constant loop. My sister can't even watch "Grey's Anatomy" without seeing something that reminds her of Dad's journey and getting really angry.

But this is the place to talk about it... This is the place where everyone understands and that is comforting in itself.

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I understand you. Although for me it has only been 18 days since my dad passed, all I keep thinkin gof is those last months. The exhaustion, worry and always wanting to make him better. I can't get past that yet, and I miss him so much. I am sorry you are having a rough week. When I start thinking about those things, I look up at the sky and say, Dad, I know you are with me, and watching over me!

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i can't speak to loss through LC but i did lose my father at 18 and my mother at 36, so i can relate more than i'd like to. these are a few of the things i learned along the way, for what it is worth.

*my father was in a wheelchair when he died and i felt that i would never again see him in my mind as a vibrant man, just the shell of a person he was. but somewhere along the line, and i don't know how long it took, the vision left my mind and now all i see is my dad, not that sick man, just my dad. it takes time but it will happen

*people will tell you that time heals all wounds, i say it doesn't so much heal as scab it over. the problem then is that every so often, you bump that scab and it hurts and bleeds again. but in time, you bump it a lot less and in time, it heals a lot faster. but it never goes away.

*it is true that you have to go one whole year, experience the first of everything "first bday without them, first spring without them, first new years, etc." before things start to really get easier. not that you won't have good times in that year, but that first year is a really tough one. and not that the second year is easy, cause it is still tough, but a bit easier.

*i used to tell people that i would wake up everyday and try and pretend to be happy, and then every so often i would realize i wasn't pretending, i really was having a good day and i really was happy. at some point, there was a lot less pretending.

*it is two steps forward and one step back. so after one of those really good days, don't be surprised when you have a really horrid one, it is all a part of the process. try not to beat yourself up about it and think that you have failed on the healing process, it is normal.

*be kind to yourself. i'm a big fan of the cathartic cry, and every so often, i indulge my sadness, i embrace it. nothing wrong with calling off work and staying in bed. especially a nice comfy warm bed with bad TV on and a cuddly kitty beside me! (honestly, i've even done this recently since my sister's diagnosis). the key is to be aware when it is all encompassing and crippling, then you may need to seek out some help. but every so often, let yourself wallow in the pain, there is nothing wrong with that in my book. but don't feel like you failed, again, if you have a day where you just let that pain come.

*everyone's pain is different, everyone's loss is different, so everyone's path to feeling whole again, is going to be a little different.

*it is also ok to let go of the pain. i remember when mum died, not really when dad did, that i found myself worrying that when i let go of the horrible pain of missing her, i would be letting go of her, and i would start to forget and that pain was the only feeling i would have so without it, no feeling. but it wasn't true. i remember her just as well even without all the pain, and now the memories mostly bring me joy and make me smile.

*it really does get easier, i promise!

sorry for the rambling, just some thoughts from my experiences with loss.

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Dear Candy,

I could have written your e-mail one year ago. My mom got sick in January 2006 and was gone by late July 2006...seven months. In the end it happened so very fast. I was due to give birth on her 70th birthday, which she never made it to (11/5/06). You are in such a vulnerable state to begin with being pregnant, then to have to deal with something so shattering - I'm so sorry.

What can I tell you - I want to say it gets all better, but that wouldn't be true. I can tell you that your frame of mind will change. I think you will eventually transition to more memories of your mom as you knew her. I didn't really believe that when I was in the first year, but it happened. I stopped having bad dreams of her being sick and she became more like her old self in my mind as time passed. Yes, that brings a new kind of pain, missing her in that other life, her pre-LC life...but it's better than only thinking of her in sickness...

I haven't posted in a long time about myself, because I am in a weird place emotionally that I can't really describe right now...but I wanted to let you know I know exactly how you are feeling right now, I know. I hope that your new baby brings you the joy mine brought me. I pray that you are so wrapped in caring for that little miracle that he or she fills a little bit of that empty space in your heart. Makes you realize that life will go on, and that your mom wouldn't want it any other way.

I know it hurts so bad, I am thinking of you tonight and sending hugs your way...

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