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Is this guilt?


SBeth

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Hi Everyone,

If I were posting an update on myself and how life without Bill is going, I would probably be telling everyone that things are good. The boys are doing well, I've returned to my old work schedule and feel like I am back on top of my game there. BUT, I need some feedback here, some advice or help?

We finally sold our old home and have moved into a new one. The boys are thrilled, they are so much closer to school and friends and they needed the change too. December 9th will be two years since Bill passed away in our family room, surrounded by so many that loved him and continue to miss him. I walked from room to room before we left and it was an extremely emotional afternoon for me. I found myself crying outloud and begging Bill that if he could come with us to the new house I wanted him too...I needed to feel him with us there. So here is the problem. I've been haunted for the past two weeks, almost nightly, by Bill in my dreams. I rarely have had dreams of him until recently. In my dreams he is always away from me somewhere and we are on the phone and he is asking me why I never come to see him or take care of him anymore. In my dreams I am telling him I didn't know he was still "there" where ever there is and that I thought he had died and then I begin loosing my cell phone signal and can't find my car keys to go to him and then I awake. I know there are many that would say they would give anything to have a dream about their loved ones, and I would too, but this is tearing me up and keeping me from eating or sleeping. I don't know if I just feel so guilty about leaving our home or if I have been so busy trying to get back to normal for the boys that I have unfinished deep grief to deal with. Anyone have any suggestions on how to move thru this?

Much love,

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Oh Beth,

I wish i had answers for you. I think alot of it is just grief.

We met once...and the love I saw in your eyes when you spoke about Bill was enormous; the pain I saw in your eyes when you spoke about losing him was even greater. My heart physically hurt for you.

Moving forward for your kids is a healthy thing to do....maybe it is guilt, at leaving behind the house where Bill last was, I'm not sure.

I just think that sometimes we grieve in different ways, and while you celebrate a wonderful new house and fresh beginning, you are still grieving the love of your life. Maybe it's safer to grieve and let out feelings of loss or guilt at night, while you are sleeping to keep up the facade that "everything is ok" for your boys during the day.....

Just rambling on here...but I wanted you to know that I care and am sending you a BIG hug.

((beth))

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(((Beth))),

I wouldn't even try to pretend to analyze your dreams, but it must be very hard to leave the home you shared with Bill. You have done so well and I know that Bill would want you to move on with your life and to do what is best for you and the kids. He loved you so much. I remember your posts and especially the one about him taking you shopping and buying you a gift just before Christmas, as though he knew he wouldn't be there. I think that if you really think about it you would realize that Bill wouldn't want you to feel like you do.. he would want you to move on and to be happy. He loved you and I believe he still does. I think once you let yourself realize that, you will be fine. God Bless you.

Love,

Sue

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want to know what I do to keep Deb "close By" Google Earth is free and can save locations on it of fave things and Places. I can see Debs Grave any day I want too.. Peace and Love too night!!

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Beth,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds to me like a very natural, but extremely painful, part of your grieving process. I think it's one of those "he's really gone" moments.

I wish I had some wise words -- if it's guilt, it's not the kind of guilt brought on by anything you've done. It's the "guilt" that's brought on by a terrible loss and a wish to be able to bring someone back, or prevent them from leaving in the first place.

The only practical thing I can even imagine doing if it were me is to write Bill a letter and explain why you're moving and how you feel about him, how you feel about the move, the "guilt" you're feeling, etc. Perhaps that might provide a kind of release -- I don't know.

Hugs,

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Dreams are so hard to understand. As for moving I went through that just 4 months after Johnny died. Not only did I move but I moved over a thousand miles away. I too begged him to come with me. I felt so guilty. I felt like I was leaving him to the same lonely life he led before we got in touch again. Everywhere I looked was a memory and leaving there shattered me. Still I knew it was for the best.

Eventually I got the signs from Johnny letting me know that he is still with me. I have had so many dreams, many of them where I am trying to find him. I know he is sick and if I can just get to him I will be able to save him but like in your dream everything goes wrong. Mostly I just can't remember his phone number or can't remember how to get to him.

I really don't think your dream is guilt. I think maybe it is him trying to tell you that you can't be where he is right now. I'm not sure about the accusations but that probably is guilt. Just remember guilt is NOT something we earn when caring for someone we love. It is just part of the grieving process. Moving on is hard. You have to admit that something has ended. In this case a very large part of your life. It is never easy but you have to think of the future for yourself and your family. Someday you will join Bill but right now you have a life to live and he will always be just a breath away. It is not a place that keeps a person near but love. God bless you and give you peace. Lillian

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi there stranger! Bet you didn't think you'd hear from me. I just logged on tonight after a long time away and felt like catching up a little.

I don't think your dreams are from guilt, either! I think you just had Bill so much on your mind during the whole process of leaving your home that he has just consumed your thoughts, including your dreams. You might subconsciously feel like you left HIM and all that you shared together. I expect it's all just part of the letting go process.

I had my home on the market and actually moved, but got scared because there was no activity in this crappy real estate market, so I took it off the market and moved back. I wasn't having bad dreams about Don, just bad dreams about going broke from paying for two houses! YIKES!

I'm glad to hear the kids are doing ok and enjoy their new home. It's good for them to be close to friends! It's good to hear that you are active, working and holding up ok. It's hard to believe that it's been two years. Where does the time go?

Take care, Beth, and enjoy the holidays!

Love,

Peggy

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