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I came here this morning with so many Halloween memories but wasn't going to post. Then I saw the sad news from Ry. I sometimes think it is just unbelieveable how quickly our lives can change. How things we take for granted can be gone in the blink of an eye.

Most of you who have been here for a while know my story. You know that Johnny was my first love and we were seperated by family and after my divorce we were reunited only for him to die 5 months later. My story is sad and I really cursed Fate for being so cruel to us but I know that there are many who life has treated just as unfairly or even more so. Still my memories are both precious and painful after 5 years.

Halloween was the only real Holiday that Johnny and I had together out side of the hospital. Oh I joined him the day before July 4th but we spent that day in a motel with him so sick we watched the fireworks from the window with him lying on the bed.

That Halloween was special to me. I had lived for years where we had no trick or treaters. I was so excited when they came to our door and Johnny would get the biggest thrill out of seeing the little ones, especially the todlers. He laughed at me because I was so excited about having trick or treaters. All and all it was a good day. The anxiety attacks seemed to leave us alone that day and evening. I was so happy.

When I was married and living in Louisiana we went all out for Halloween. We would have a bon fire and all of my kids and Denis brother and sister and their families would come. So would his mom and dad. I would cook for 2 days making chili beans and cakes or something else I knew they would all like. I made special decorated cookies for all of the children.

Those are all good memories. I would never want to lose them but they do make me both happy and sad. I organized a little party here where I live yesterday.

We had food and costumes and a good time. It was a lot different with people who are all older than me instead of younger. I made a costume for myself and several of my neighbors wore costumes too. It was fun. I hadn't worn a costume sense I was a very young teenager. The food was good. I made my chili beans and everyone loved them. I also made a mayonaise cake, apple cobler and fried chicken. We had soup, corn bread and more beans and a lot of snacks and crackers and dips. We all had a great time.

It was just so different. I never imagined that I would be spending Halloween like this. I always imagined big crowds of family either mine or later Johnny's but instead I am enjoying spending time with a group of seniors and realizing that I am one of them. Our party was in the afternoon sense most retire early here. That was a new one for me too and this year no trick or treaters. I really did miss that part of the holiday.

Anyway life goes on. I miss Johnny and I miss my family and I miss Denis. They were all so much a part of my life. I am so looking forward to spending Christmas and Mardi Gras with my family in Louisiana and as much as I love them I am sure glad I have my home here to come back to. I guess I will always be a woman torn between two places and two families and even two different sets of holiday memories.

I did recieve a special compliment yesterday aside for the ones about the food. Our activities director thanked me. She said that sense I moved here and got envolved with my neighbors she sees a lot more energy here. I get them envolved and having fun and that is good for them and for me. So maybe that is why I have traveled such a long road of pain and loss to get here. Maybe it is so I can do something for these special people.

I have a picture but can't quite figure out how to post it. Katie if you read this can you help?

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I had to smile when I read about the activities director seeing "so much more energy" since you showed up. That's the way I think of you--energetic and ready for the next adverture.

I'm glad you got that special Halloween with Johnny. I wish there could have been many more for the two of you, but what's that quote from Steele Magnolias? "I'm rather have thirty minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special."

I see the "wonderful" in the relationship you had with Johnny every time you write about it.


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