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"Not Yet" to Therapy


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So my mom made an appointment for her, my sister and I to go for counseling with my Dad's friend and colleague who works with families of cancer patients. I opted not to go at the last minute. 'Probably shouldn't have done that and I'm not quite sure why I did. Just the more I thought about going to talk about it, the less I wanted to do so. Part of it is that I'm not quite ready to go there, especially at the tail-end of a very intense week. My brother reminded me that yesterday was the five-year anniversary of putting our beloved family dog to sleep. So we have my birthday, Halloween and Kenzie's death three days in a row. I think if someone asked me a question about how I'm doing today, I would scream. Or cry. Or both. Either way, I'm just not ready.

My greatest strength and my greatest weakness is my fierce independence. I take care of myself. That's what I do. But sometimes I don't know when it's time to ask someone to take care of me. "Help" does not seem to be in my vocabulary. But I'm not as strong as I make myself look. I've got issues too. :)

The other concern is that going to her feels a bit too close for comfort. If I'm going to counseling, I'd rather go to someone I don't know. I'd rather go to address all of my "things" (as Meredith Grey would put it). I don't think I could talk to her about the many layers that make up my grief, or about the many things I am grieving. I'm all for going to someone I know OF, whose reputation tells me that I will be helped, but I just don't know. I'd rather start fresh. There is a lot of ground to cover.

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I would be uncomfortable talking to a family friend. It helps me to go to someone who only has a relationship with me through several years of counseling on different "things".

I hope you find that someone, it has been a huge source of strength to me.


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A chaplin and good friend tried to get me to join a berievement group right after Johnny's death. It was strangers but I just couldn't do it. I didn't want anyone telling me it would get better or that his death was for the best to spare him or even worse that I needed to get on with my life. All I could see was emptiness ahead of me and I was so damn angry :!:

I just needed to vent and I needed someone who had lost someone to cancer because it is so uniqe and heart breaking an experience. Finally I found a support group on line. American Cancer Society was trying it out for 3 months. It was just want I needed and wanted. I could write anything I was feeling. I could also read about other's experiences and feelings. On line you can say what you want. If they don't want to no one has to read it but you got it off of your chest.

Maybe you should search for something like that. I'm just not sure if they are still doing that. The one I was in only lasted for 3 months but it got me to a point where I could at least function again.

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