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Bad couple of days

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I really have nothing to complain about - my husband is stable right now, as far as we know. Scans in a couple of weeks, and I of course expect them to be good.

I'm just very sad about the last few days. Somehow, someway, he didn't understand that his job had let him go earlier in the week due to his extended illness, and I had to tell him on Wednesday night. He was stunned and confused, and has been very, very upset since - broken hearted, actually. I may have mentioned here in the last couple of months that he has some trouble understanding everything said verbally the first time or two; this is either the brain tumor effects, WBR effects, or the overall illness combined with all of the above. He's very, very smart about a lot of things (way smarter than me), and still is, but is struggling a bit in some ways to grab everything that is said to him.

He spoke to his employer on Tuesday, and I spoke to them on Wednesday to ensure that insurance coverage was taken care of. At that point, I understood that his employment was over, but he had not understood that. It was a terrible blow to him. He actually cried. He is still very emotional.

I feel so badly for him, and for what his job meant to him in terms of enjoyment and pride. I also know that we are very lucky, relatively speaking - so much sorrow and true loss here lately.

Just wanted to put this into words, and ask for prayers that I can help him find peace and purpose in this.

Thanks all! MC

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My dear Earl had both brain surgery and WBR. This held the brain tumors at bay for almost 2 years but they did real damage to his comprehension. He stopped reading newspapers because he couldn't remember what was in the first paragraph when he got to the second. Like your DH, Earl was the smartest man I knew.

One particular incident still plays on my heart strings. It was during his remission when he tried to go back to work. We were at a customer's office. I had been working in one office and Earl in another. I went in to ask him a question and he was sitting at the computer looking sad. When I asked how he was, he said he couldn't remember what one of the keys on the keyboard did. This was a man that had been working with computers for almost 40 years.

It is so difficult to see our bright and competent men begin to deteriorate. I think in some ways it is the saddest part of this disease.

I don't have any advise, just compassion for your situation. Let me know if I can answer any of your questions.

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I feel so badly for your husband.

Harry doesn't fully realize what is going on with his job either. (They've basically "laid him off", forever). He just keeps saying "When I get to go back to work"......

I guess I wouldn't make a very good "company owner", because I couldn't live with myself if I did that to one of my employees. If they wanted to work, I would find "something" for them to do.

It's like kicking a stray, hungry dog, in my opinion.

I'm sorry. It breaks my heart.

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I'm so sorry. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

When Bill was feeling very poorly, he was supposed to go into work for a meeting and to complete a project. I didn't understand at the time just how important it was to him, and it used to frustrate me. Finally as the day was approaching, he realized that we would both have to go to the meeting, and tell his manager that he wouldn't be able to continue any longer. As it happened, he didn't make the meeting, because of bad effects from pain meds. But even as we left for the hospital during his last week of life, one of the most important things he wanted me to do was to apologize to his manager (who was a friend) for letting him down. It was only then that I realized just how important continuing to work had been.

I can imagine for Vic, if he hadn't understood that, just how saddened he must be. He probably feels abandoned in some ways, and like a giant part of his life has been taken from him. And it has.

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you both.

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From a guys perspective, when a man loses the ability to take care of his family financially it is a matter of pride and I think we bacome ashamed of the fact that this is something that as the provider we can no longer do for our family. It is very painful to the psyche of us men that we can not handle the loss of the ability to care for our families and be the provider when we feel so good physically.

Just my ramblings...

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Mary Colleen,

I'm so incredibly sorry that this is another new curve ball for you and hubby to deal with now. Randy is so correct, much of what our men are "made of" is wrapped up into their careers. Although Tony fought cancer with ferocity and hope, when he was forced out in an early-retirement buy-out at his company years ago, he went into a year long tailspin of loss.

I also watched Tony's brother go through brain surgery for one of his tumors and radiation for the other two. He also was put on disability from his job, never to return. His sense of confidence in his abilities to think was shattered and he became withdrawn for a lengthy period of time. I think he figured he wasn't sure the "right words" would come out of his mouth, so he became quiet. In time his old personality re-emerged, so please have hope that this too will happen for your husband. He developed a new normal and spent time in his last years doing the things that he still felt confident doing.

I pray for comfort and new avenues of confidence for both of you on this journey.



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You are all so right in that his identity was largely tied into his job, his excellence at it, the fellowship it seemed to bring him, and apparently, the paycheck.

I personally really wouldn't care if my job went away tomorrow - though it supports us, I could easily find many other things to do that would make me very happy. My identity is not so much tied to my job.

Vic is suffering in a way that I wouldn't, but I respect it. Maybe work just doesn't mean quite the same thing to women that it means to men (thanks for that viewpoint, Randy.)

Though it's been a rough weekend for him emotionally, I THINK the sadness will gradually pass for him if he can find other meaningful activity. We have both always had an interest in helping children, and I'm going to try to gradually channel him in that direction. There are a ton of volunteer opportunities like that in our community, and very few men able to help.

I appreciate all of your input. I just felt lost and unable to help. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Many thanks!


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I found the disappointment my mom felt as certain areas of her life changed irrevocably very hard to watch. it was one thing I could do absolutely nothing about. she was lucky enough to get a lot of it back. I'm just so sorry for the terrible emotional toll this is taking on your husband.

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