teriw Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 It seems that since I looked at the calendar on Monday and saw "16 weeks," that a shift has occurred. My energy level has dropped significantly. My emotions are close to the service. Is this just the effects of coming down from months of uncontrollable frantic energy? I'm thinking perhaps it has less to do with the amount of time since I lost Bill to the time of year it is and what we were doing last year. Early last November, we had finished one round of chemo. We were scared but optimistic. We had received good news, then bad news, and misinformation from our original doctor. We had little bottles of Purell everywhere you looked (and it worked). I see them in the store now and I get a twinge in my stomach. I see Ensure and feel the same way. I still have bottles of expensive supplements that proved to be useless. Last year we were a team like we'd never been before. This was to be just another challenge, albeit a monumental one, that we would overcome -- and both live to tell about it. Thanksgiving weekend we shopped in earnest for Christmas decorations. (Bill absolutely loved Christmas -- he listened to Christmas music year round; we played it at his service.) We set up a tree early and took it down late. We watched old Christmas movies. We enjoyed every minute of Christmas, despite the black cloud that hovered overhead. On December 26th we heard "it's almost gone!" I remember how excited Bill was. I remember how tentative I was. I remember he did a post here that just said, "Oh bollocks -- Merry Christmas!" And we had planned this Christmas in England. My step-daughter Gemma and her mum Linda had the menu all planned out last year. It would be our first real Christmas in England. No one doubted that we'd be there. But we won't be. Sorry for the downer...Is this just yet another "it's real" moment sinking in? And why is grief making me so self-centered? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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