Need help understanding my hubby

[Nova]

I don't know what to do or say.....

Harry has now told four people that his cancer is gone.

I have no idea what he's talking about.

At the last appt. we had with the Oncologist, things were just "stable". (which is great, but doesn't mean "gone").

There was one tiny new spot that had disappeared, but the main tumor is still there, and nearly the same size it was to begin with. The fluid had also increased, and there was another new (very tiny) spot in a different place.

The doctor didn't say that his cancer is gone....not at all, and I'm not sure if Harry mis-understood him, or he's just suddenly developed a bad case of denial.

The thing is, he's telling these people that he's "cured", the cancer is "gone", and he'll be returning to work soon. They're all questioning me about why I didn't tell them the "Good News".....

I don't know what to say to them...?????

I don't want to sound like the "downer, non-positive thinking" one, but what the heck is going on with this????

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Hope you're all doing well.

"Confused in Florida Nova"

PS

So far I've just managed to answer everyone's questions by saying that I'm not really sure what's going on.....I haven't said anything at all to Harry about this, because I don't know WHAT to say...?

[Welthy]

Nova,

Did this start after he found out that he won't be going back to work? (Or have I got you twisted up with someone else? )

Might be his way of rationalizing this new curve-ball and making people think he's better then he is. Gosh, at this point who knows, but I'd let the Doctor in on this new development.

Sorry --- more fun for you.

Hugs,

Debi

[Ry]

John did something similar-- he didn't say it was gone but he led people to believe things were better than they were ("it might just be scar tissue" for example). Sometimes I let it go but a couple of times in private I would tell him that isn't what the doctor said. It caused some issues with his family because if he gave his sister a good report, she thought he was well enough to fly to Florida and do things for his mother.

I guess my short answer is- if it isn't causing problems let it go and only address it when you have to.

[J.C.]

Nova,

The power of positive thinking.....

could be what Harry has in mind,

just going a bit faster than the

reality.

Mike did about the same, but he had

no job to go back to, so it was planning

a long trip, renewal of passports and

buying a cruise for both, just found out

when I had to mail the reservations.

Never mailed the letter and never said a

word about it....it just passed with time,

we had no family so had no explanation

to do.

Hugs

Jackie

[mary colleen]

Vic is doing better than Harry right now, but he also tells people that he is cured. He even sat at the oncologist's office the day he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and denied having any problems going on whatsoever - and let me assure you, he was having obvious and frequent problems. I say nothing at all when he states socially that he is cured, because there is no real impact. I do speak up in the doctors office, however, because that does effect his treatment. I know it's a tough one to deal with. MC

[teriw]

Hi Nova,

Bill did some of this too. He never told anyone it was gone, but he did always want to make it out to be much less than it was. I always believed this is what he needed to do, and I never, ever disaggreed with him. But...having said that, telling people you're actually cured is a different thing.

I tend to agree with Ry -- if it's not actually causing you a problem, I'd let it go for now. If people ask you about him being "cured," perhaps just say something like, "he's stable now, but they never consider it a cure until it's been 5 years." You're not lying, and you're not contradicting Harry.

Hugs,

[Nova]

Thank you.

I think you're all right.

It DID start when the insurance thru his work got canceled, so maybe it has something to do with that. (His job is/was so important to him).

I'm all for positive thinking, so that's why I haven't said anything to Harry when I hear him telling people this "new news".

Jacob heard him telling one of my family members though, and looked at me like "Mom, why didn't you tell ME that Dad's cancer is gone"??

I explained to him in the car, later on, when we were by ourselves. (as much as I could anyway, because I didn't know why "I" hadn't heard the good news myself! )

I think I might call his Oncologist's RN and leave him a private message, just so they'll know where Harry's thought pattern is heading.

They won't say anything to him, unless he asks them outright, which he won't, but at least they'll know.

If his thinking starts to get totally irrational, then I'll get worried. ( You know how it is? You always start worrying about brain mets, etc., when they do the least little thing differently. )

Oh "Me" of little faith!

Thanks guys, and have a good day.

I'm off to school. Bleccckkk !

[RandyW]

From a guys standpoint, we do not like to admin that we are not Superman. we hate getting chinks in our armour. Harry ahs basically been told that he can no longer be the provider for his family and that is a BIG piece of kryptonite and a huge hole is his armour. There fore he has to make it better. and he is by saying that the cancer is gone, That is not the reason He can no longer be the provider. Now there is another reason and it is not because of the disability of the cancer. Take away the cancer and you take away the hole or the kryptonite know what I mean?? Just my persective on this thats all Love Ya and (((((((((Harry and Nova and the Kids today)))))))And prayers always..

[nyka69]

Nova,

I agree that you should privately discuss it with his care team. I also think Teri's way of answering the question "why didn't you tell me?" is a great one.

So strange that this came up. My sister has Stage IV throat cancer. My mother goes to many appts. with her, but not all. When sis got her last PET results (mom wasn't with her) she told us she was NED. Great news!!!

She's since had another PET, and mom went with her for the results. Her neck is stable, as it was at her last scan. Some uptake in the kidney was noted, as it was last time.

We too were perplexed. Did she really misunderstand after being on this path for 2 years? Did she not want to worry us? Was this just what she wanted to believe?

I don't have any answers. I've never walked in Harry's shoes, so can't guess at what could be going on. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and I'm sorry this is happenning.

Peace,

Nanci

[dchurchi]

Nova,

Alan has done this ever since his dx. after any treatment when someone would ask him

how he was doing Alan would respond "I am cancer free" I would then get calls from his

daughter and brother later in the evening so they could get the "real scoop" from me.

I just let it go as Alan lives "with his head

blissfully buried in the sand" world. I pick up the

pieces of the "real world" If Alan believes he is

cancer free, then maybe one day he will be.

[JB]

I have only had to deal with slight exaggerations, Col's never claimed to be cured. But if the Onco said 15-20% better, everyone else was told 25-30% better. If that's what makes her feel better, from my perspective, I'm fine with that. If anyone asks me I tell them what I heard. In-laws were the greatest exaggerators to date. If i was around when in incorrect statement was made, i simply said, that is not what the dr. said. I never try to be a downer, but i want the people who are in the pits with us daily helping fight to make sure, one they actually are hearing things correctly, and two if I like to prepare for a bigger fight is than is neccessary. I believe that if I'm overprepared, I'll have extra energy to celebrate the win at the end.

If someone came to me with misinformation, I would gently tell them that it's not exactly correct so in your case my response would be "well, that's not entirely true. The one spot he had is gone, and the main tumor is stable. Still good news, but we still have a lot of work to do" Something like that.

I would address it with Col, in a positive manner, only if was going to effect something serious. Fo example, if she thought that she was cured and needed no more treatments or something similar.

I wish you the best trying to figure it all out.

[blueeye]

I don't think I would correct him at all. I might try to clarify to others if they asked me. But I know that two people can hear the same exact thing and have two totally different interpretations. I think that whatever keeps him going is great...but I wouldn't want him to be blindsided if he has a set back.

[Nova]

Thanks Nanci, Randy, Debbie, and all.

I don't have any plans on saying anything to Harry about it. I'm afraid it would sound negative, and that would be mean.

He can just keep his head in the sand along with dchurchi's husband, Alan.

There were some very good suggestions on what ~ (and how)~ to tell the family members what's actually going on though.

My biggest hope, is that one day I'll be able to say to them , "Yes, he's cancer free", and it will be the truth!!

Thank you.

Take good care of yourselves,

Nova

[fillise]

God bless you Nova. Sometimes when you think you've dealt with it all something comes totally out of the blue like this. It sounds like he is coping the only way he can. I know right after my mom was first diagnosed she would tell people what the Dr. said and then I would have to fo behind here and tell them "this is what the dr. really said." I think he is coping the only way he can and like you, I pray for the day when he can say it and it will be TRUE!

Susan

[overtherainbow]

My father did the same thing. I think part of it was trying to hold on to some sense of control over the disease by minimizing the negatives and highlighting the positives whenever anyone called or came by to check in. In private with certain people he was very honest about his fears.

Our biggest concern was that he would be in denial and not do the things he said were most important to him.

[lilyjohn]

I think it is just his way to cope. He may also be trying to spare you worry. Men do that for the women they love.

Johnny never said he was cured but all of the time he expected to be cured and felt that he was being cured he steadily improved. It was only when the chemo nurse told him that he would never be cured and be on chemo off and on for the rest of his life that things started to go bad.

I am a big believer in positive thinking. I believe that love and faith can really work wonders but hope is the one thing that when denied can start a series of things that can only end in tradgedy.

He is probably trying to keep positive and not be afraid. Fear does terrible things to someone and those emotional problems can really lead to physical problems. Let him stay positive as long as he can. Someday he may get his bubble burst but as long as no serious problems come from his attitude don't try to change it. Who knows maybe someday what he is saying will be true?

[janehill]

Nova, I've got to agree with those who've suggested just letting it go.

If he wants to believe he's cured, who is that going to harm? No one, not even him. In terms of balancing that with reality, not sure you need to worry about it. If he wants to go back to work, let him talk with his Oncologist about it. If the doc thinks he can go back, let them work it out. If the doc says he can't go back, he'll have to explain that to your husband and the why.

In any event, you can remain the positive one. You can even tell those who ask you on-the-side if he's cured that you don't have that understanding but don't want to burst his view. What more can you do?

Much luck though - I can imagine it's tough.

[Nova]

Thanks.

I've done just that......not said a word to Harry, either way. No facial expressions, nothing.

He mentioned that he didn't think he would be able to go back to work for at least a month or two, and I said "That sounds great".

Maybe he will "stubborn" that cancer away! Miracles do still happen.

I had no intention of being negative to him, so I hope my first post didn't come off sounding like that. I would never do that.

I just wanted to know if Harry was the only one that ever behaved that way towards his diagnosis, and apparently he's NOT, so that made me feel a little better. I also wanted to know what/how to tell everyone who was questioning me about it, and I got some good advice, so thanks everyone.

[Welthy]

I had no intention of being negative to him, so I hope my first post didn't come off sounding like that. I would never do that.

Nova,

We all know better than that you silly! All of us keep/kept our best "game faces" on around our loved ones as much as is humanly possible. That's what this category is for -- asking those questions and being able to vent a little every once in awhile.

Hope things continue to go okay with that stubborn man of yours.

Welthy

[TamHol]

That's my vote, when people come to clarify with you, do that, clarify.

It's all to the interpreration, right now he likes to interperate it as a shinning moment, stable is just as good as cured in his eyes. When they ask what and why just let them know that things are the same and a few things have cleared .... he's focusing on the clearing as the first proof of his surviving this. And who knows??? He might just prove himself right one day? He knows the truth but it obviously makes him feel good to say the most positive thing to come to mind. What's really the harm in that?

Just my vote ....