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I don't want to die !


Guest hearrean

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Guest hearrean

As I write this, I am hoping so very much that it doesn't come across as being self-centered, requesting a pity party, etc. Please understand, I do not mean it that way nor do I want sympathy!

I happen to love this forum & all the members I have communicated with and who have wished me the best of luck in my journey.

I have for some time considered myself to be a Christian, but I know now I was just living a lie. I would ask for God's help when I needed it & would forget about him when things were going well. In other words, I was a Christian when it was convenient. Since my recent diagnosis, my life (as all of yours) changed; not only physically, but mostly mentally. I knew this disease was no joke & that it wasn't going away like so many of my other problems in the past. I am trying to accept the fact that this is now a part of who I am & things (as I knew them) will never be the same & that I may die. This disease is in my thoughts 24/7; it's with me when I go to sleep & it's with me when I wake up. The things that I loved looking forward to like renting & watching good movies or playing a favorite computer game, going out to eat with my beautiful wife no longer mean anything to me. The fun has all but disappeared from my life in such a short time. I just don't want to live life this way!

I am trying to get closer to God (for real) & make him the center of my life & I've even asked for his help & healing. But then I think; what makes me any different than many great folks before me? People like Dana Reeve, Peter Jennings, Christopher Reeve, Ronald Reagan, or the great folks right here on this forum, etc. These were all great people & Reagan, for example, suffered for years with his particular disease. So when I ask God to heal me, I then think, well what makes me so special or any different than these other great people who passed on with so much life yet to lead. And I also think well, why would God allow someone like Ronald Reagan to suffer so much. I'm sure these are feelings many have had, but I'm just having a harder time dealing with the whats & whys. I think of my beautiful wife & I just dwell on the fact that "I don't want to die." And then I get plagued with the thought like, what if this life is it! What if there is nothing after this...and life justs ends! And then I get right back on that roller coaster emotionally.

If I could simply know that I could spend eternity with God after this life & that my wife would be ok, I do believe I could handle all of this so much better. That's what I am trying to do so I can have some peace in my heart & not live with the confusion & sadness I now have and have developed since my diagnosis.

Sorry for the ranting, but I thank you all for listening..

Ken

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Ken, my heart just breaks for you. My sister went through the same thing. She got to the point that she just never wanted to do anything. She regretted that at the end. I don't know if you are going to die or not..it is up to God, but I know that my sister died last month, and she seemed almost happy at the end. Her last words to my Dad were.."I love you Dad, but I have to leave now. She smiled and didn't say anything else. She died a few hours later. She was no saint, but she did believe in God and she knew she was going to a better place. I have had dreams of her since she died, and in all the dreams she was comforting me and she was really happy.

I hope you can find peace somehow.

Love,

Bobby

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(((Ken))),

A cancer diagnosis brings to the forefront after-life worries for everyone. I would be awake for hours thinking about these things and I know in my heart that my husband was afraid to die. When he did, I wanted to make sure that the message at his funeral gave us all hope of God's love and mercy. I told my brother (the minister) to focus on Christ's words to the repentant thief on the cross --"Today you will be with me in Paradise."

Ken, embrace this and hold it in your heart as you begin your journey with this diagnosis. Let Christ's words be your strength.

As for earthly matters, you will begin to live again and savor the good times that you will have down the road. You will go out with your wife to eat and rent your good movies. Life will not stop cold for you -- trust me. You are still reeling from the diagnosis and have every right to buy pity-party hats for the time being.

There are practical matters too. Do yourself a favor, if you haven't already done so, and make sure all your ducks are in a row with Healthcare Power of Attorney and directives, living trusts, and wills. We did some of these things years ago and the Healthcare Power of Attorney & directives were done before my husband's diagnostic surgery. Should the time ever come, and it comes for ALL of us, your wife will have no additional worries. Both of you need to do these, as one never knows what twists and turns life takes.

Lastly, I know it's hard to not ask "why" to God. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. We all are mere mortals, no matter what our accomplishments in this world have been. I understand your feelings, because I often hesitated about asking God for a cure for my husband. It seemed like I was a little kid again asking for a pony for my birthday -- but the reality is that we are all God's "little kids" for eternity. God understands all of our fears, anger, tears, questions, and hopes.

God bless and prayers for peace my friend,

Welthy

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Guest hearrean
"Welthy"](((Ken))),

A cancer diagnosis brings to the forefront after-life worries for everyone. I would be awake for hours thinking about these things and I know in my heart that my husband was afraid to die. When he did, I wanted to make sure that the message at his funeral gave us all hope of God's love and mercy. I told my brother (the minister) to focus on Christ's words to the repentant thief on the cross --"Today you will be with me in Paradise."

Ken, embrace this and hold it in your heart as you begin your journey with this diagnosis. Let Christ's words be your strength.

As for earthly matters, you will begin to live again and savor the good times that you will have down the road. You will go out with your wife to eat and rent your good movies. Life will not stop cold for you -- trust me. You are still reeling from the diagnosis and have every right to buy pity-party hats for the time being.

There are practical matters too. Do yourself a favor, if you haven't already done so, and make sure all your ducks are in a row with Healthcare Power of Attorney and directives, living trusts, and wills. We did some of these things years ago and the Healthcare Power of Attorney & directives were done before my husband's diagnostic surgery. Should the time ever come, and it comes for ALL of us, your wife will have no additional worries. Both of you need to do these, as one never knows what twists and turns life takes.

Lastly, I know it's hard to not ask "why" to God. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. We all are mere mortals, no matter what our accomplishments in this world have been. I understand your feelings, because I often hesitated about asking God for a cure for my husband. It seemed like I was a little kid again asking for a pony for my birthday -- but the reality is that we are all God's "little kids" for eternity. God understands all of our fears, anger, tears, questions, and hopes.

God bless and prayers for peace my friend,

Welthy

To me, you are definately a tower of strength. I look at your profile & I see how recently your husband passed, but yet you still have the strength to offer words of encouragement to me & others after such a loss. To me, this is a tremendous feat of courage. I can only hope I can gain that same courage or even a part of it & learn from others such as yourself. You & others here have offered me such great advice & proven that you're always there emotionally for anyone who needs help. When I'm down (which seems to be most of the time lately), I come to this forum for comfort. Maybe it's even possible that God has placed this forum here as a means of comfort for me (and others). I thank you so very much for all the helpful words & I know that somehow I will find the same strength as you.

God Bless You,

Ken

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Hi, Ken:

Fourteen months ago, when I was in about the same situation as you (ready to begin chemo), I wrote a rather long post about my reaction to the cancer diagnosis and the uncertainties that lay ahead. I was rather surprised at my reaction initially, but after a while came to see it as a logical consequence of the views I've been gradually adopting over the years. You might find parts of it interesting:

http://lchelp.org/l_community/viewtopic ... highlight=

If you want to discuss any of these ideas, please send me a PM. Best wishes and Aloha,

Ned

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Ken,

I may be rude but I go by what you have

written;

__________________

Please understand, I do not mean it that way nor do I want sympathy!

__________________

No sympathy here just facts.

From the day you are born the law

is that one day you will die.

When face with the situation of

cancer many people ask ''Why me''

but not many people ask ''Why not

me''.

and you compare yourself to

_________________

People like Dana Reeve, Peter Jennings, Christopher Reeve, Ronald Reagan, or the great folks right here on this forum,

_________________

you are not those people, you are only

''YOU'' facing a sickness and questioning

about tomorrow and your faith.

What you could do right now as you already

have a good plan for treatments is face the

rest of your problems.

Negative attitude

Lost Faith

Unsmilling home life (your fault)

and the steps you will take to make the time

you have to live the happiest you can.

You need courage to live and I'll just write

about this part.

_________

Courage To Live

To those who have tried and seemingly have failed,

Reach out, dear Lord, and comfort them today;

For those whose hope has dimmed, whose faith has

paled,

Lift up some lighted heavenly torch, I pray.

They are so frightened, Lord, reach out a hand.

They are so hurt and helpless; be their friend.

Baffled and blind, they do not understand--

They think this dark and tangled road the end.

Oh, touch to flame their hope that has burned low,

And strike with fire faith's ashes that are dead.

Let them walk proudly once again, and go

Seeking the sure and steadfast light ahead.

Help them to move among their fellow men

With courage to live, courage to try again.

(Grace Noll Crowell)

_________________

Take one thing to change each day and work at

it till you feel better about it and just

move it aside (keep an eye on it)and the load

you put on your shoulders should be less.

You are in a situation faced by many people,

you could keep going the way you are, unhappy

and seeking answers that evade you at the

moment or you could try each day to find a

reason to make God, your wife and friends

happy to be near you, it is your choice

nobody else.

Wishing you only happy days, one by one

and also happy days for those around you.

Jackie

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Please read and reread the story of the Prodigal Son in the bible.

It gave Brian so much comfort and shows us the magnitude of God's love for us.

God never goes away (even when it is a good period of time for us and we forget to rely on Him) He just waits for us and Welcomes us back. His light never isn't shining. We just step out of its beam sometimes.

Brian and I had many discussions about the topics you raise.

Brian found SO MUCH COMFORT in the writings of Brennan Manning. HE is SO HUMAN and with so many faults yet he proclaims how our God loves us just as we are and not as we should be.

You are loved beyong imagination.

You will find comfort

Don't try to do the work..........Just let HIM work inside you.

(I NOW REALIZE I AM WRITING TO MYSELF, NOW)

Consider yourself hugged.

and check for Brennan's work..........Brian went to sleep everysingle night for 10 months listening to his reassurance of God's love for us.

His favorite of Brennan's work: Abba's Child and the Ragamuffin Gospel.

I pray for you to let yourself feel God's love in your life and that you shine it forth to your family and friends to help comfort them, too.

(I am going to re read this as I know I need to focus on things I have written as well.

Hugs,

Pat

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As a postscript:

Thank you for your openess and the opportunity it gave me to examine my actions and thoughts.

God works in ways we can not imagine.

Thank you also for allowing me to relive those memories of Brian and how peacefully he fell asleep most nights even while trying to get his head, heart and soul around his diagnosis.

Love

Pat

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