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Thanksgiving Without Martha Stewart


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To All My Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know I am hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But..

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in

advance, so don't act surprised.

Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a

trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming

lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the

swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've

gotten the dog involved in the decorating by having her track in colorful

autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was her idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy China, or

crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will

get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic

Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I

promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted

from the finest construction paper.

The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you

wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made

regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that

most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey

was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal

drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal

drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a

clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of

our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also

decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds,

please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony,

we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next


Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front

of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.

For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress

"private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh

at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have

an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will

eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing

the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in

the head with warm tasty bread.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between

12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin

pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a

choice; take it or leave it. I hope you aren't too disappointed that Martha

Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year


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