Wandering thoughts and some sadness

[lilyjohn]

Wow what a day. It has been a long time sense I really felt lonely or alone. I really guard my alone time passionately but somedays it is so hard. I can't help but be a little sad.

Most of you know these days are leading up to the 5th aniversary of Johnny passing away from this world. I have really come a long way and handle it pretty good most of the time. Just like the rest of you the holidays are hard enough.

I have been blessed and in many ways cursed by a very good memory. So much happened so many monumental things those last two weeks that the dates are like a part of me. The trouble is right now each day has duel meaning.

Thanksgiving day was mostly spent in his room but it was the best day we had had in months. He had found hope with another treatment center and was looking forward to going home the next day. That was also the day they gave him the Morphine in the nebulizer that started the fluid sounds and ultimately led to his death.

Five years ago Thanksgiving was on the 28th. On the 22nd Johnny was in the hospital and had a pretty good day. It is tomorrow that I dread.

On the 23rd 5 years ago the doctor changed Johnny's medication. He slept so hard that it scared him. He said they were trying to poison him with medication but somehow the wording made it sound like he thought I was helping them. I got upset and went home and left him there alone. He didn't even remember the next morning. I am so ashamed of my behavior and I will never stop wondering if in his sleep that night he didn't have a preminition.

Tomorrow the day after Thanksgiving was the day 5 years ago when the nurse said she heard fluids in his lungs but stalled calling his doctor until he got so upset. The upset and the fluids made his breathing difficult and when I did leave with him I ended up taking him to the emergency room. That is where they gave him the Ativan knowing he had had a bad reaction. That day started out alright but in a short time it became the start of a nightmare that would last the next 2 days until his death on December 2.

I guess you see what I mean. Each day is like reliving not one bad day but two. Yet I can't ever let myself forget. Without memories what would I have left of my Johnny besides his love?

This morning I called and talked to my children and grandchildren. My grand daughter is home from Tennessee for Thanksgiving so my son has his small family that is growing there. My two granddaughters are mamas now. How hard that is to believe. I remember so many things from when they were little and I remember too how much Denis loved them and how much they all miss him.

I went out to Home Town Buffet for my Thanksgiving meal. As it turned out there was only one of my neighbors who had nowhere to go too so we had our holiday meal together. He left early and I sat there for awhile with coffee and dessert. Funny I really didn't over eat as much as I thought I would. I guess that is because no matter how good those places cook they can never comepare to the good home cooked meals me or my family make. I guess that is because love goes into what we fix.

I was sitting there for a while with my coffee and two things happened. One lady was passing my table and had to move to let someone by. I noticed she had a scarf on her head. I knew before she said a word. She told me she had just gotten out of the hospital. Seems the chemo had killed almost all of her platlets and she had a bad infection.

Another lady got up and I thought she was leaving her coat so I remeinded her. She said she was just going to get more food. We talked a minute and she told me that she is 91 and had eye replacements done so she sees better than she had. She asked me to watch her coat until she got back.

So I met two special ladies today and got the chance to wish them a happy Thanksgiving and to say " God bless you'. I don't know if for some reason I attract them or they attact me. It is strange but I never used to meet so many strangers to talk with, expecailly those of an advanced age or with such serious medical problems.

Well it is only 1 pm. I have a movie to watch and I want to read a little in my bible. Think I'll skip the exercise for this one day. Sorry for all of the rambling but I can always count on my family here to understand.

I hope you are all having a blessed Thanksgiving. I hope the memories you have are the pleasant ones and the tears you shed are tears of joy for knowing that special person they are shed for.

God bless you all. Lillian

[blueeye]

Wow Lillian...sad but beautiful.

Last year my Dad was in the hospital (he died 12/19/06 from ESRD). On the rehab floor with a PEG tube and unable to eat. Mom didn't want to go to my Uncles so I brought her a plate back. The rehab floor is the worst memory for me. Daddy always tried so hard but was so weak. I would watch him try to do his exercises. He didn't understand it all either.

And now Mom is so weak. It started from too high digoxin level and I know that she's dehydrated too. But when she struggles to get up I see my Dad. And now we're using his rolling walker too.

Hugs to you tonight.

Leslie

[teriw]

Lillian -- Not sure what to say, except that I'm listening and I hear you.

Hugs and love,

[fillise]

Lilly John,

Thank you for sharing your day with us. Thanksgiving has passed, but I, for one, want to say that I am thankful for your beautiful stories. Your memories of your Johnny--some painful, but most happy--are a reminder that love never truly dies. Even in the loneliness, to have known that kind of love is truly a special gift and I am grateful that you share it with us.

Susan