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Fighting with my mom's siblings


Marci

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Hi All,

Lately my mom's siblings/my aunts have been very critical with me. I live in a basement apartment downstairs from my moms thank goodness. I am able to clean, cook, and have access to my mom to make it easier for both of us. The problem is - is that I mentioned to my aunt that one night while venting from doing all the chores and running around that the stress level is different for me than it is for them. She took offense and said it was not. My husband strongly disagrees because he does see the change in our lives that happened over night. Their households remain the same -mine is different. Alot different. When I was venting to her I wasn't looking for credit I really was just venting b/c this is new for me too and need to talk to someone once in awhile. I have since figured out that just b/c its family I can't take for granted they understand. Anyone else experiencing this too?

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yes!! When my dad was going thru his lung cancer battle, I did some venting of my own thinking I'd get some support, but my problems were with my own siblings. They all lived relatively far away, while I lived less than a mile away and spent every day taking care of everything medical and emotional for my parents ontop of everyday chores and my own family+job responsibilities.

I vented once (and sometimes as caregivers we DO need a pat on the back or an "I understand" or "I can't imagine") and instead I got, "you think you're the only one who loves mom and dad?" and an incredulous look of defensive anger....

I learned right away that they weren't going to help, that they didn't understand, and that I couldn't "make" them understand.

I also think that type of response you are getting stems from guilt.

Let it go- let them go if you have too...and keep doing what you are doing. You are a wonderful daughter and you'll have no regrets for loving your mom so much.

I know it's hard. Vent here, to your husband-surround yourself with positive people- take little breaks to regroup and be kind to yourself. You guys are going thru enough without having to add the "others" shortcomings into the mix.

(((hugs)))

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Marci.

Katie said it well, come on the forum to vent

best place because we will understand.

I have no family so I had a paid helper once

a week to clean the place and keep an eye

on my husband while I went to the drugstore

for him and shopping for food.

I was fast in those days.

I vented once to that helper that keeping an

eye on my husband did not mean sit down for

two hours doing nothing........just had to find

another person for the next week.......and that

time it worked well.

Family are worst than anybody else to resent

venting by those giving all the needed help,

all they see is what they want when they are there visiting.....

Take care Marci and vent here.

Jackie

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Marci:

It always amazes me that just when we think we can count on those closest they can let us down so badly. They are thinking only of themselves and certainly not of you. They have now shown you what they're all about and although it is painful for you to come to terms with this, it's also showing you who you cannot count on now or in the future. Future vents from you to them will probably just cause more tension and so my advice is to avoid that.

In order to have a 'good vent', one has to feel safe. You no longer have that option with your mother's people. So armed with that knowledge, leave them alone to see what they want to see. There is nothing you can say or do that will change their opinions, so let it go.

Come here whenever you need to or go to your hubby or a very good friend. Wherever you feel the safest.

You are doing a difficult job. You and your mother know the truth and that is really all that counts. Don't hesitate to come here for anything, we are here to help. Good Luck & God Bless

wendyr

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Please try not to stress about your aunt. You have enough on your plate and she was just rude and probably does feel some guilt.

I am sorry you don't have anyone to vent too, but we are here and we have heavy shoulders to carry anyones burdens and great ears to listen!

Hang in there you are a wonderful daughter and your mom appreicates all you are doing and that is what counts.

Maryanne :wink:

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when I was supposed to go visit my MOm and sister who I havent seen in over 15 yrs My dad was scheduled to have Chemo...chemo didnt agree with him most of the time and he landed in the hospital for 2-5 days... I was worried that it would happen again and told them it wasnt a good time to go cause he was sick...they didnt get it...not that they didnt care per say but they felt they were the most important thing because they were going to be together and so should I...

Needless to say I didnt go and I did have to take Pop for fluids and tests at the hospital during the time I would have been gone... My Hubby would have been useless because he doesnt know what to watch for.

they still are mad that I chose my dad over them... I cant talk to them they have issues...

so SCREW UM LOL they dont get it they dont live with it so they will never get it unless they go thru it too God forbid

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It is very difficult for us caregivers that are closeset to the situation especially when it comes to other family members. The difference between us and them is we are there for the "everyday battles". Our two sons do nothing to help us. We had to "pay" her sisters stepchildren to rake and bag our leaves and their father is a "minister" (sorry a little vent myself). I tried to talk to the oldest boy (Robbie) about things but that was a waste. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't count on anyone and any help you do get is a blessing. If you need to vent this is the place. There are great people here that help us all and all of the time.

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Marci - I feel the same way, we moved my mom into our two flat - so we live upstairs, she lives downstairs, my family is in OHIO and I'm an only child, and she is divorced, it's just me. We have family visit - but it's me doing most everything else in dealing with my mom. My advice - take time for yourself whenever possible (even reading a couple minutes at bedtime), have dinner with your husband. I got so wrapped up in cancer that my job, marriage, and physical self suffered. I've learned to take a step back now.....

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Marci - you are absolutely in the RIGHT! I have personally been in your shoes. I had my mother living in my dining room for months (after years of being the ONLY person to buy her groceries, fill out paperwork, etc.). I wanted to bring her into my home, I wanted to do for her, I am NOT sorry I did that and it brings me peace; but it was EXTREMELY difficult.

However, I was blessed in that everyone did understand that my life had become exponentially more complicated. I vented a LOT to my wonderful aunt - who even flew in from Florida to help me - and she was nothing but understanding and sympathetic. Had she ever taken the slightest attitude with me or behaved in a way that implied she was AS affected as I was, I would have snapped. Things were difficult enough caring for my mother's needs 24/7. And, yes, sometimes all I had was the acknowledgment of others; words like "after your mom, you're definitely the one affected most by all of this - your life is in shambles!"

Gosh, it helped me to know that it wasn't me that was weak, rather it was that awful situation that was hard."

Maybe that's pathetic and maybe we're supposed to be so stoic and positive that we just smile and say "it's difficult on everyone" but when you're the SOLE caregiver for a terminal loved one and all that entails, it's difficult to keep that strong force within you and nearly impossible to watch someone else dare to imply their hardship is equal to yours.

So you come here and vent Marci!

:D

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