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How can I walk back in there?


blueeye

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I work at the hospital that Mom (and Dad) died at. I knew that one day I would walk OUT with her bag and not her, but how do I go back in? There are so many reminders of her and her battle. She worked in the same lab that I work in and there are pictures...I speak to the oncology nurses and her doctor DAILY and often several times a day. I can imagine that some people will want to avoid me too. They did that when Daddy died. I could see it in their eyes when we met in the grocery store. I will do work on patients with the same disease and problems, the same room number and I just want to shout "what are we doing all this for??!?"

I told my supervisor that I would go back Thursday but couldn't guarantee what shape I would be in. She said that's fine. I switched from contacts to glasses too. That should help some.

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I'm sorry. This is a very unique and difficult situation to have to encounter. What a bonus of salt rubbed in the wound for you. My SIL also worked as the charge nurse on the same floor where her husband stayed during his final weeks on earth. She did go back, but couldn't handle it and ended up retiring. Fortunately she was of an age to be able to retire.

Somehow you will find the strength to continue to work, despite this curve ball. My heart breaks for you because this is going to be tough. Is there any chance of transferring to a different department or floor? (I'm not too savvy when it comes to this kind of thing and whether that is even doable.) Please let us know how you are doing -- we're here for you.

Welthy

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I don't know how you will manage that. It will be terribly hard to go back there, no doubt about that. I just want to send you ((((hugs)))) and prayers.

I had a similar experience after Johnny died. Two weeks after his death his daughter in law gave birth to the baby he was looking forward to. She had a C section and developed an infection. I volunteered to take her to see her doctor. I didn't know that he was right next door to the hospital where Johnny died. I was parked in the same parking lot where I would stand and look up at his window while out to make phone calls or get a breath of fresh air. I nearly came undone that day but somehow I survived. That was just one time. I can't imagine having to face that everyday much less what you have.

Just take it day by day and do what seems best for you. In time people will start coming back around. For the most part they don't know what to say so they say nothing. If your mom worked there too they will be missing her as well.

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It's going to be hard. I don't have the right advice really, just letting you know I kind of 'get it'.

Actually having to go back day after day is another thing altogether though. Just take it a moment at a time if you can, and hopefully, with the support of those you work with who care about you, it will get easier. Or you may have to re-evaluate if it doesn't to see what things you can do or change to make things better for you emotionally.

Also, remembering that there are those who fight and suffer thru treatments who DO survive and that's "what it is all for", might help.

I know just being in the same hospital again gives me such a heaviness in my heart since it is where I lost both parents in relatively close amount of time.

About three weeks after my dad passed, my son had a horrible virus and high fever and dehydration and we ended up in the same ER, in the same exam room, and I felt like I was suffocating....I just kept seeing flashes of my dad's face in that bed and remembering everything.......while standing in the hallway trying to pull myself together, my dad's oncologist walked by-

Now after a year of illness and treatments and seeing your medical team weekly if not more often, once your loved one passes- all that just ended for us. It stops abruptly. It's just over and you lose that "normal" and that routine and schedule and all those people you've grown to care about...it's another loss in and of itself I think...

Dad's oncologist saw me and my mom standing in the hallway and just came straight to us and hugged us and let us cry. That was probably just what we needed to make it thru, and of course my son was better the very next day.....

Maybe in time, being around those same people will give you a feeling of connection- and maybe you'll feel you're mom is always with you throughout the days and that will bring you comfort.

I hope so. (((hug)))

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I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have to work in a place that is filled with so many painful memories. A few months after my dad passed, I had to go back to that same hospital for an appointment. I remember the dread I felt when walking down the halls and I even ran into some of the doctors and respiratory therapists that worked in my dad's unit. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get out of there.

As each day goes by, I realize that although we may be experiencing the most excrutiatingly (sp) painful thing that we thought could ever happen (to the point that we are filled with anger and sometimes question God about why life is so unfair.) He gives us strength to get through the most difficult tasks. I am praying that he also provides you with that strength. God bless.

Rochelle

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Thank you so much guys. My supervisor said I can "hide out" as much as possible but that never really works. The first day after my Dad died that I went back to work I saw a little old man trying to get out of the car and into a wheelchair with his wife trying to help. I went up to them and offered to help but I think I scared them cuz I was balling. That man had the same determined look on his face but he was weak just like my Dad was.

I actually saw one of the oncology nurses at the grocery store tonight. She hugged me (as she always hugs EVERYONE) and it really was OK. We'll see. I've done pretty good today...so far. My Aunt and Uncle go back home tomorrow, so it'll just be me and the furkids.

Thanks again, this board rocks.

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