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How am I going to get through this week?


wondermom

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This week last year was when we got the dreaded diagnosis. Mom told me, "It's lung cancer." I just can't get those words or that whole week out of my head. She was admitted to the hospital and I think I knew, even from that moment, that something was really truely wrong and that our lives would be forever changed. That whole week that mom was in the hospital, if I wasn't there, I was waiting by the phone. Just waiting to hear the words. Something in me just knew even though I didn't want to admit it. It just seemed so unlikely that it could possibly be lung cancer. But it was. This week as I sit here and think back through the 9 months my mom fought, I so wish things could have been different. I wish I would have spent more time with her when things were good. When things were "normal" and we didn't have scans or treatments looming over our heads. I got so caught up in my own family life that I didn't take as much time to spend with my mom, who I love so very much. For that I will always be sorry. I just always thought we would have so much more time. A lesson I have learned the hard way. I am sure there will be many days or weeks like this one. This one is just hitting me very hard. Wednesday will mark the anniversary of moms diagnosis. The day that changed my family's life forever.

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I feel your pain. I found myself very depressed around the anniversary of my Dad's diagnosis. Also with it being so close to the holidays, I think we are dealing with the overwhelming sadness of not spending the holiday season with our loved one.

I got through my dad's anniversary by taking it one step at a time. I believe because I had this huge dark cloud over me, I had to somehow find some light somewhere, even in the smallest things like eating comfort foods or taking the day off and sleeping in late. In other words, I had to be selfish for a moment and do what would make me feel better despite what I was dealing with. I had to find that small glimpse of happiness to combat all of the despair. With God's help I got through it and I pray that he gives you the strength as well.

Rochelle

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I really think that in spite of our denial we all have some kind of 6th sense before a diagnosis is ever made. We don't admit it to ourselves but it is there.

All I can say is the you will make it through the days ahead and the years ahead. You will do it with a sadness in your heart from missing her and a joy in your heart for having known her.

We all have those regrets you speak of. Why didn't I spend more time with him or her instead of always doing for him? Is there something I could have done to make it easier on both of us? Why didn't I see it coming? The list can go on and on and on. There is only one answer and it is one I don't like but have found to be true. It was meant to be as it was for one reason or another. We can't change what happened and we certainly can't stop the pain of loss when it hits. We can only take what we have learned and try to use it to help others.

Take heart in knowing that she will always be a part of you.

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I too feel your pain. There are so many things left undone and unsaid with my mom. I always thought there would be more time. I was busy working and raising my family and doing all the other things that get in the way and now its too late to go back and spend more time with her. I have no answers for you as I am still trying to navigate my way thru this thing called grief, all I can say is hold on tight and just make it thru 1 day at a time. I am pretty sure our moms wouldnt want us to be sad all the time so I am trying to find some joy in some of the holiday season but sometimes the sadness overwhelms me and I just have to have a good cry and then Im ok for a little while longer. So cry when you want and know that eventually it will pass.

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It's funny--I feel like I should give you advice, but I often feel the same way. As a friend, I would tell you that, of course your mom knew you loved her. Your mom also went through starting up and taking care of her own family. She knew how much time a good mom devotes to doing that. I also believe that they now know even more the depths of our hearts--our wishes, desires, feelings, and regrets.

Having said that, I wish I had moved home sooner. I had a lot of years with Mom, but I lost a lot of them too, living 700 miles away. I wish the kids had had those years with Mom, but I am grateful for the years they did have.

Why is it easier for us to be understanding and forgiving to others, but so hard on ourselves? When I'm struggling, I often ask, "What would I tell a friend in this situation?" and try to be a friend to myself.

These d**n days sneak up on us. I know you will get through this week, and I know it will be hard. I'll say a special prayer for you each morning this week.

Kelly

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I agree with Katie, be gentle with yourself. You were doing exactly what your mom or any mom would have wanted...being a wonderful mother yourself. We all have regrets about how time was spent, things unsaid...I think that is natural in the process of grieving. I'm just sorry you have to be going through this at all..

Thinking of you tonight...

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