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turning a corner but having some technical problems


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As you all know I just passed the five year aniversary of Johnny's death. I know it is time to take care of a few things, to turn some corners.

The stragest thing happened yesterday morning. I woke up right about the time of his death. I just had this feeling of release. The aniversary is past so now I can put those bad memories to rest for at least another year, I hope.

I decided to take one more step forward but I am afriad that I may have to go even further than I wanted to.

I had to move away from where Johnny and I were together just 4 short months after his death. It was very difficult. I felt like I was running away from him. Before I left I rode to all of the places that had meant so much to us. Places where we had gone on many of our rides. I put the movie camera on the dashboard and talked to Johnny as I traveled and remembered.

I tried to watch those tapes once before. I just couldn't do it because when I made them I was just so raw and reliving it so soon just didn't work. This morning I started watching them. I thought that I could find a way to record them from the tapes and erase what I was saying and keep the pictures. I tried to record one and then play it on tv and record it again with no sound. For some reason I can't get my new vcr to record from my camera.

I guess that means it is time for me to look at them then destroy them. There is much there that I would not want my family to hear because of my agony. I was also so angry at that time. A lot of it is just so personal between me and Johnny.

Watching them causes tears but it is not all pain because those films remind me so much of how special our relationship was and still is.

Just now while writing this the news showed some of the places on these films that are being flooded right now. I almost feel like my seeing that at this time is a sign from Johnny letting me know that he sees.

So wish me luck. Maybe I will have the nerve to watch them all then let them go.

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That had to be very bittersweet to watch those videos. I too am sure you will move in the direction that is right for you.

Should you choose to re-do the tapes without sound, I'm sure there are video places that could do that for you. I'm not a techno-geek, but it has to be possible to do.

Hang in there friend and I'm glad your feeling a little release now that the date is past.


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Lil, I know this is something you have struggled with each and every year since Johnny's death. I don't have an answer, or even a suggestion. I do know that these tapes are something that means so much to you and I know you worry about what might become of them should something happen to you. It's important for us to hold on to any memories that we have, whether physical things like pictures, videos or notes or the memories we have in our hearts and mind. I think you'll know when the time is right to dispose of these tapes. Since you're questioning whether the time is right or not, I think maybe you're not ready yet. I think having the sound removed is something you can have done that will make your decision much easier. Please know that my heart has been heavy for you for the past few days!!!

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