Venting

[Marci]

Once again I have had words with one of my mother's siblings. She told me you know you're not the only one going through this. I know I am being selfish saying that my pain is more than anyone else's but I am her daughter and feel like my world is coming to an end at any minute. My aunt also told me that I need to stop stressing my mom out. My mom has outbursts of anger at little things and since I am there I am the cause of whatever has happened. My mom was always a passionate verbal person and can be very hyper over the littlest thing even without the burden of cancer so now it just intensifies it. It hurts me that all these family members keep hurting me. My aunt told me to stop doing all things like cleaning my mom's bathrooms and stuff if I am going to go up and stress her out. She told me she can go without clean bathrooms for the lack of all the stress I bring upstairs. My aunts just don't know that my mom is having these outbursts of anger without anyone doing or saying things to her. I am just so sick of all this with these family members. Then they want to give me an education on how sick my mom is - HELLO I live here I know how sick she is. As if the possibility of losing my mom wasn't enough now this is what I have to endure. Sorry for the long vent!

[Muriel]

And just what is it that your mother's siblings are doing to help her? How often do they visit? Apparently, not often enough to see what's causing the anger. I think your mother needs you and that you're a saint to be able to deal with the outbursts.

Glad the chemo is working!

Muriel

[Dollfinn]

Marci~

You go girl! You stop by here anytime you need to. I find I have bursts of excess too, just trying to get my "ducks in a row", usually I'm trying to get some one elses ducks in a row is the truth.

Caregivers in general suffer a stress level of high intensity, please dont ignore or poo-pa your role and the toll it is taking on you. Take Xanax, it's a great med and will drop the audio level pitch to your aunts b_itch, down a few notches. Sounds like she has a few ducks she needs to get in a row and is passing that guilt? on to you. Stay strong, visit often. Mary

[wendyr]

Marci, It's pretty common for a lung cancer patient to 'take out' their anger and frustration on the one closest to them. In this case you're it. I had the identical situation with my own mother. All of her anger was directed at me as I was the only one there taking care of her. When my brothers came around - quite infrequently - she was as nice as pie to them. A totally different person. I found it amazing and I admit to feeling hurt. Her hospice nurse told me that what was happening was totally normal and that I should not take it personally. Easier said than done! She also told me that if my mother got totally unreasonable and out of control I had a perfect right to tell her to stop it. I never had the heart to go that far, and I just kept taking care of her and absorbing the abuse.

I hope you can find a happy medium in which you can care for your mother without the stress that caregiving always brings and somehow find harmony with your aunt.

Perhaps the next time your aunt tells you not to stress over the bathroom you could suggest she clean it for a change.

Good Luck & God Bless

wendyr

[TamHol]

Marci,

Your in a hard spot and in an altered state of emotional value....don't forget that. Although you have very good points about the comments and hurt felt by them, rights to venting due to "on hand" value. It doesn't come without the truth that they are dealing with their own pains and loosing their sister.

My advise is don't give them the option to make comments as they have. Tell them your "reason/cause" before you even start to speak about the days events. Things like "I know I may sound selfish but I'm really just scared out of my mind ... I feel like a kid lost in the mall looking for my mommy!" Or, "Don't take it as I'm saying your not trying to help but ...... I think it's important for superior cleanliness, blah blah blah." Or my common comment "I know I can see things a 1000x's worse than most people can .... is it just me or is this real." Not only will they better understand where your complaint is actually coming from versus what they interprute it to be. But maybe they will realize better where you are coming from and how paniced you feel.

Maybe your not the only person in your family who has it in their nature to take the raines and do all the work? Maybe they actually want to be needed more and you haven't noticed or they don't want to seem intrusive on you. Either way not giving the opportunity to get the message out to them or invite them to join in this huge job of care. Hasn't done any of you any good up to this point. I know and I agree "INVITE THEM" why should I have to? Well the truth of the matter is some people have to be, one might say it's to make sure they don't insult or push another out of the way. Another may say it's their validation of another person wanting them there. Either way, it maybe what your dealing with, it's better to deal with it than against it regardless of what wrong or right you feel about it.

If it doesn't seem to change things for you, then find your outlet .... obviously not them!

But you are still getting what you need, talking out loud always helps and venting outloud alone is very much equal to venting person to person. In the shower work some stuff out .... in the car alone, work some stuff out. No one here or at your home has done this before ..... there is no right or wrong for any of us.

[Linda661]

Marci:

My mom was also prone to the kind of anger you are describing. It was a part of her natural personality before LC, but the LC journey sure made it a heck of a lot worse.

One thing I found that contributed to the problem (other than just plain anger at the dx) was some of meds she was on -- decadron comes immediately to mind, and if I remember right, I had found some drug interactions in those 20+ meds she was on. I'd suggest taking a look at the meds and discussing this situation with the onc. or some medical professional who will listen to you. They can make adjustments in dosing, etc. and should want to help you maintain your own health and sanity as the caregiver in this journey.

I don't have any good advice about the aunties other than a kneejerk reaction of saying for them to butt out or take over the role of primary caregiver. Cleanliness is imperative and you're doing things that just plain have to be done to insure your mom's wellbeing and health in this journey.

Hang in there and please do vent here as much as you need to -- it really does help.

Linda