Tears instead of joy

[sallys]

I am so sad right now….Today I am so sick and hurting from the Alimta and the pain I always have because I can’t get all my meds down, and so weak and my bowels are really constipated causing pain too.. I have no Christmas decorations up yet, one son with infection in his lungs from copd, my youngest facing possible surgery with this tumor on his spine and he is scared and on pain pills with the sciatic pain and he’s also an alcoholic fighting to stay sober to boot….my husband just is overloaded taking over all that I do and losing his temper. Neither son has transportation to take them anywhere. There is no Christmas cheer in this home and no decorations and no gifts bought without me and I’m the only one who has the heart to understand all that is going on and I just don’t have the strength to fight right now. And I am in tears here and praying for a good day to come again. No one seems to be really working together here without me. Christmas is a fun and loving time and this could be my last and I was so in hopes to have some good days to do all the decorating and shopping that needs to be done to make things bright and cheerful. And I don’t want them to know how really sick I feel here. I am so missing the joy of Christmas Spirit and so very sad I can’t get things somewhat normal around here. Guess I am what one would say depressed right now, but you all say this is where we let it all out and that is what I am doing. I can use prayers for peace and joy and feeling better to do what all I need to do and get some cheer going in this home. Anyone else going through this right now? How can I change things….I have always been the strong, dependable, understanding one as Momma and wife and I feel I am hurting everyone right now. Well just wanted to talk to someone here thanks for listening…..hugs and prayers, Sally

[Patkid]

Your post is breaking my heart, Sally.

I see you are an artist.

Could you just draw/paint a Holiday Scene and post on Fridge?

Also

could you just order from Amazon vs. shopping?

If you can think of anything I can do I will help you.

I know all of us will, if we can.

Many hugs and prayers

Pat

[Liz13]

Hi Sally. Your profile is a bit behind. Whats going on right noew health wise. Are you in remission or still being treatment? I know las you at x mas, I had goo=ne through 37 days of radiation and 7 weeks of chemo. Spent every weekend at the er and 9 days in the hospital. Lost over 50 lbs in 10 weeks. I didn' stop vomiting til Jan. 8th and finally started to eat food again. Terrible times, but yet wonderful. Deccorations were never mentions. Just where could we take mom, daughter, etc to eat something she would enjoy. Seteled on crab brisk and it was good.

This year I my daughter a nice Tv, to make up for last year but know tree or decorations. We are coning to cook deserts for the neigbors. No It will be about life, health and the prosotta of hapyness.Liz

[nonni]

Sally...your post breaks my heart and I feel your pain...I just wish I could do something for you...Lean on God my friend...there is NO situation that is too big for HIM to overturn....The best to all of you...I will certainly keep you in my prayers...hugs..nonni

[recce101]

Hi, Sally. Wow, with all that it's no wonder you're feeling down. I hope your onc and chemo nurse are giving you some ideas to cope with the Alimta side effects. I haven't had Alimta, but a number of members have -- some had a rough time (especially with fatigue), and others breezed through. Hoping for better days ahead!

As you know, we're the same age, so we've seen various events from a similar perspective as far as age is concerned. Like we were both 6 when Pearl Harbor was attacked, etc. Remember some of those Christmas stories we used to read or have read to us? The ones where Christmas was approaching but something bad had happened to the family -- sickness, out of work and no money, or some other misfortune -- and it looked as if Christmas would be a sad time that year? But someone would come up with a novel idea, substitute simple things from the heart for those store-bought gifts and fancy decorations, and Christmas would be very different from those in the past but special as well.

That's probably too idealistic for your current family situation, but maybe something could be taken from it. Everyone in your family is stressed by one thing or another, and you have the additional burden of trying to make Christmas like it's been in the past without getting much help from anyone else. Could be it's time for a new approach, to have a little family chat so everyone can understand and appreciate the problems that all of you have this year, and use the energy that would otherwise be expended in hectic shopping/wrapping/decorating to mend frayed nerves and calm the waters.

My best wishes and Aloha,

Ned

[Patti B]

Hi Sally -

Your post breaks my heart, too. I do know how you feel. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and now I am just wondering if I will ever see another one.

You sound a lot like me - the one in the house who does it all, remembers it all, etc. And now you not only have to cope with what you are going thru, but with what your family members are going thru. Thats a lot on your plate.

I was running around getting all the Christmas decorations up and complaining about no help because I was worried about this being my last Christmas. Then my son told me - Mom, who cares what the house looks like, lets just be together for Christmas. Out of the mouths of babes, huh. Who cares if you have a tree up and lots of gifts - have your gifts to each other be that you ARE together. You don't need to cook up a storm - you just need to eat together, as a family, even if its just sandwiches!!

Concentrate right now on feeling better and maybe this will be a wonderful Christmas after all, even without all the fanfare.

My prayers will be with you and your family. Please keep us posted on how things are going.

Hugs to You - Patti B.

[sallys]

Thank you all for your comments….I know I have not updated my profile, I don’t have all the info that you do. I need to see a gastroenterologist to see if I have a blockage in my stomach from surgery keeping me from getting much food down and what is causing the nausea. But they won’t do it because of the chemo now. Yes my tumor is still growing and active and under my pet scan results you will see where doc says it will keep coming back and spread, but that is in God’s control and I am believing on Him. But I have a big big heart and I feel the pain of others, always have, I have a very sympathetic nature I guess for everyone but myself. I seldom get into a pity pot, but when my hubby lost his temper and he does lately it hurts. I feel my family may be in denial somewhat here and we have sat and talked things out before. The post op thoracic syndrome (which is rare my doc says) is very painful and the nausea and dry heaves cause the pain to be so much worse. I am taking Alimta chemo now and I thought it would be less side effects because it is 3 weeks apart. But yesterday it was bad, and today, still a little rough, haven’t gotten up and going yet. I am not used to seeing my husband lose his temper. my hubby does take me out to dinner but I just can’t look at food at times and begin to get it down, but I do bring home a doggie bag. My youngest son tries to cook for me but he uses too many spices and what I used to enjoy makes me sick and he is a good cook. Yesterday, I was having trouble swallowing with my stomach and esophagus, and could not take all my meds for pain nor eat much, but did get some food down. I’m sorry, I just never complain much and I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad here. But I do appreciate your info. And one thing is for sure there is always someone else worse off … I still cry in the Hallmark movies, joy and sadness. Your right I need to pull myself up by my boot straps as Richard would say (a friend of mine with the Lord now) and keep on keeping on. I only pray I can start to be of some help around here again and lessen my loved ones burdens. I also know that Moms and wives and daughters have a different nature than men and tho men can be understanding they are not women with a woman’s heart, there is a difference, no matter how loving they can be unless they been there done that they just don’t really understand all. Reckon that’s why God made us women! Gotta run nausea seems to be taking over here. It is so good to have someone to talk to openly. I feel blessed!

Hugs and prayers for all of you and a grateful and thankful heart for being here! Sally

[Connie B]

A place for survivors to connect and vent and to share their journeys with one another.

This is what it says on the Front of the LC Survivors Forum. You don't have to worry about making anyone feel bad. We all have those emotional roller-coaster days.

I am confused as to why your doctor says your stomach tumors will always come back! Is this lung cancer that has speard to your abdoman/stomach?

Maybe you could update your profile with they kind of chemo your on so people can see that easier then looking back at all your post. The more information we have at hand, but better we are to help you. Is this your first Chemo or have you had others in the past? Have you had radiation? It's just helpful for us to know.

The Holidays can bring out the worst in people when your dealing with major medical issues. We always think of the holidays as a GOOD TIME, HAPPY TIME'S WITH FAMILY & FRIENDS, and when the bottom falls out at this time of year we just don't feel that happiness and joyfulness we have lived with all out lives.

My hubby is dealing with back pain and I can see the pain on his face. He trys to put a on a happy face for me, because I am heading into surgery in 9 days and we're trying VERY hard to make the best of out of a very bad situation. IT's NOT EASY! I totally understand your sadness. (((((((SALLLY)))))))))

Take a minute and do something (ANYTHING) that will make you feel happy today. Even if it lasts for 1 minute, do it. Baby steps are what we have to take now and then.

So, are you making an appointment TODAY to see a gastroeterologist? You need to get ontop of this stuff so your not second guessing what is going on. That alone will drive you up the wall not knowing.

You can scream, vent, whine, cry, yell, or laugh here. Your surrounded by people who understand and get it! Your in my thoughts and prayers.

[teriw]

Sally,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I was wondering if you might have a friend you could confide in who might bring something over to your house -- perhaps a Christmas tree, or other decoration. Anything to lift the spirits. Even if it's a simple decoration that requires no work but to plug it in. Maybe some cookies for your husband and sons. Sometimes something small like that can just change the room and make you smile when you see it. It might make your husband feel like someone else is trying to help.

I didn't think you were complaining at all...

Hugs,

[J.C.]

Sally,

You are at the bottom of the pit now,

THE ONLY PLACE IS TO GO UP' UP' UP'

Hard with a masculine household to get

started with decorations but putting

under their noses some decoratins of the

previous years may give them the idea that

soon Christmas will be with you.

Start before fretting, I know it is hard

to reverse actions, but give it a small try,

a small Christmas may be more fun than a

grand opening.

So, one decoration at the time with a box

opened right where people walk and you will

see they will go up and soon you will need

more.

The food is another issue, hide some of the

spices to start or just stick a paper on the

bottle asking for ''A WEE BIT ONLY'' in

the food.

Give us an update on how you are doing, please.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Jackie

[Don M]

Hi Sally:

It is like you and your family are facing the trials of Job.

I hope things start going better for you and yours. I had 4 rounds of alimta and it seemed to get a little better later on in the treatment. It was hard though.

Don M

[Eileen4]

Sally,

I'm just now reading your post and words fail me. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad, what with all that's going on with you. I too love Christmas time and I hate to think of anyone suffering at this time of year. I'll say a very special prayer for you tonight in the hopes that you'll soon feel better, if even a little. Know that we all send good vibes your way and please keep posting. These black days will soon be over I hope.

Best,

Eileen

[sallys]

Preview

Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 8:36 am Post subject:

Thank you all for your support and responses, they have really been an encouragement to me and a help. I have not seen a gastroenterologist as the chemo started first, so if things do not change then I will have to see one after chemo is complete. My lung spec. doc told me for my severe constipation to take mineral oil, 1 oz. q 4 to 6 hrs. Hey!!! it worked!!! so am doing much better with this at least the last couple days. AND my sweet hubby and my son got the CHRITMAS TREE put up Saturday and it is beautiful with all the memorable decorations. Love it!!! So now I am beginning to feel more like the Spirit is arriving in this homestead. And the neighbor is bringing over some home baked sugar cookies next week! Your prayers are being heard and things are looking up...I have also had 2 really good days and on one of them I actualy got my Christmas cards addressed and Curt mailed them for me. These are such big accomplishments to me and I feel like a whole new person. Next week I will be having another treatment of Alimta so I want to get all done this week and the treatment will be after Christmas, the 27th...dread that but blessed it is after Christmas. Once again thank you all so much for your caring hearts you are what we all need with each other! Though our trials seem hard our blessings always far outweigh our trials.

God bless you each and everyone! with love, hugs and prayers for all...Sally

p.s. I sent this email somewhere but I don't know where it went so am resending it. Also I am working on my updates with my profile, found some papers that will help just have to sort everything out and get it ready.

_________________Dx'd w/NSCLC in Oct. 06 Biopsy Oct. 06 SCLC Squamous mallignancy Total lobectomy Sept. 7, 06 Recurrance..Feb.7, 07 (7.8cm mass upper lt. lobe same lung that had surgery; aso mass in lower rt. lung dx'd at this time.

[Patti B]

Oh, Sally - I am so happy that things are better for you. Hold your family close and tight and enjoy this holiday season.

Hugs - Patti B.

[Patkid]

IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR...........

JOY TO THE WORLD

FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Hugs

Pat

[recce101]

Good show, Sally -- I didn't think you'd be down for long!! Aloha,

Ned

[jaminkw]

Sally, I'm newer here even than you. Just joined a couple of days ago. I was browsing the LC Survivor board and happened to open your early Dec post. It happens to be a day I was really feeling sorry for myself but your post turned that around. I read through all the replies and was rewarded by your later post. Christmas and especially the tree is very important to me as well. I have ornaments collected and treasured for what seems like forever and my husband helped make sure it happened. So glad your guys came through. I know you said you were having another treatment on Dec 27th so I hope you are feeling reasonably well today, New Year's Eve.

[barbara5452]

Sally, glad things are a bit better, I too had no gifts under the tree, first time in 25 years, no money, church has been providing us with food baskets every now an then, my car was repo'd the beginning of Dec. I finally started receiving my SSD check in Dec hopefully things will get better. I know how depressing it can be, but to say he least this Christmas was the best I have ever had. Kids came in with their spouse and boyfriends we played cards all day and laughed and had a wonderful family meal. Who would have guessed the material things of Christmas meant nothing, I truly found the spirit of Christmas when my husbands work arrived on Christmas eve and the plant had collected over $900.00 for the family. 1st thing I bought was groceries no gifts and paid a few bills. God Bless us all and a better 2008 for us all.