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Holiday Sadness


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Hi everyone,

Once again I've gone months without posting, but I've kept up on everyone and cried for those of you that have lost someone, and felt the pain of those of you on this journey we are all on. I can relate to so much of what everyone posts...

As Christmas approaches, I wish everyone some peace in their hearts. I know that I am having a terrible time this year, my second without my mom. I've just started to drag out the Christmas stuff, and my kids are so excited and I know I have to do it for them. I was never one to buy the little talking reindeer, etc., but boy my mom was. I inherited her talking Rudolph that she loved to show my older son when he was a little guy, and when I made it "talk" my one-year-old his jaw just dropped and his eyes almost popped out of his head. He could not reach for it fast enough. Instead of being happy I was just so terribly sad! I can't listen to Christmas music, going to the mall is torture (we had so many good memories there with the kids) - I'm going through the motions but I'm just not emotionally there. It's so true what is said about the first year looking back, and then the second year you start to look forward and it's like being hit with another bombshell - looking FORWARD, you see the rest of your life without this person. That pain is a different but equal kind of unbearable.

I think I was so wrapped up in my newborn last year I was able to block a lot out. Now that former newborn is precariously walking and babbling, and he needs his nana to kiss his little cheeks and sneak him cookies...how she would adore him. It hurts SO much not having her with the kids. My four-year-old daughter went for her ballet picture today - hair in a bun, pincurls on the side, tiny sparling tiara and pale pink satin ballet dress with a long sparkling tulle skirt. She was breathtaking, and I just stood in the studio and openly cried watching her and all the other little girls. Will I ever be happy about these events again? Will they always make me cry, wishing my mom could be there to see it? My daughter's winter recital is next week and I'm afraid I will just sob through the whole thing.

And then there's that unconditional love thing that is just gone. My husband and I argued in Home Depot yesterday and the whole way home I looked out the window with tears streaming down my face thinking, I just want my MOM. I want that unconditional, non-judgmental love you get from only her, only her. (Not that my husband doesn't love me unconditionally - he is wonderful - but I think you guys know what I mean.) Your mom is your mom.

So enough about all this..I guess I just wanted to let you all know what special people you are. This board is just amazing, and I find myself feeling everyone's pain no matter where they are in this journey...and there are always people to pick them up off the floor and give them a gentle little push.

I love that...you guys just get it. And I'm so miserable right now that I had to vent. I'm tired of crying lately, but I can't help myself. It's like my life will never be full again without my mom in it, no matter how much better I am getting...there will alway be a sadness.

Good night, all...

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don't stop with so enough of this; Let it all out and you feel a little better in doing so. Feel free any time of course and never apologize. Its ok to vent away. we get it cause we have been through it also. Maybe not moms but loved ones and it is the holidays which are hard.

We do not get to have all the joy that so many around us get to have for 1 reason or another so.....

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I can't think of one single thing to say, except I would hug you till you couldn't breathe and I would kiss those chubby toddler cheeks till they were red and I would applaud at the recital till my hands hurt.



She loves you, honey, she watches the kids and they can feel her tenderness through your touch and the talking reindeer.

Many hugs and much love


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