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Still Muddly


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I haven't been very posty lately, and I'm not sure why. I hope that the postiness will come back. For now part of me wants some distance, and the other part still comes here to read a few times a day.

Things are a little weird right now. A few weeks ago--partly because of Katie's thread about "How do you know?" and whether 'depression' is an issue, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed. That's been a little hard to get my mind around. I suspect that part of it is still fallout from losing Mom. I told the doc that I had no baseline because life has been constant upheaval since the day we got married. (He was a wonderful and understanding doctor btw). He suggested it was bereavement and I said, "I don't think so, I've done that already." He chuckled and said, "There's a finish line? Where was it?" Point taken.

So much is wonderful right now--my two beautiful girls... Christmas coming... Things that I'm involved in at church and such moving along great.

I still miss Mom. I'm reading the novel "The Patron Saint of Liars." It's not really about losing your Mom, but there is a line when the main character is speaking to an older friend of hers and telling her that she misses her Mom. She asks the older friend if she still misses her mother and she says, "Every day. Every minute."

And I do. I miss her every minute of every day. I'm not consumed with it. I don't live my life by it. I don't try to be conscious of it. But I do.

So things are... ok right now, but still muddly. I do have so many things to be grateful for. And I am so very grateful for them. I smile so often when I think of Mom, but I still wish I was sitting in the room with her instead of just savoring memories. I still long for her when I'm hurting or nervous or even when I just want to chat about nothing.

I turned on White Christmas today and part of me imagined that I was snuggled up on our couch at home falling asleep to it on Christmas Eve....

Thanks to Pat, I have my White Christmas and Miracle on 34th St. bases covered this year... And I know Mom'll be there in spirit.

Love to all--


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I haven't been very posty lately, and I'm not sure why. I hope that the postiness will come back. For now part of me wants some distance, and the other part still comes here to read a few times a day. --- Val


We do what we can, when we can, and all here understand. (I do love the word "postiness" though! LOLOL :D )

I'm glad you are having more gentle times with your Mother's memory. It happens even when you don't expect it to. Good times with her begin to replace painful memories of the illness. This is the blessing that God gives us to continue living.

I'm also glad you met with a doctor and hope that there will be something to help lift the depression veil a little bit more for you. God bless HIM for being so compassionate -- I loved his "finish line" comment.

Take care!


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He suggested it was bereavement and I said, "I don't think so, I've done that already." He chuckled and said, "There's a finish line? Where was it?" Point taken.

First off, I love that you have a doctor who thinks like that. That's a gift! And how right he is.

I was thinking of what you said about wishing you were making memories with your mom again, rather than remembering them. Of course, it can't be how you wish. But one thing I want to do when I'm ready is to make memory books for my step-kids, and for myself. I want to tell them stories about their dad from my perspective, but in a form that they can keep with them and share with my granddaughter and anyone else who comes along. And I'm hoping to get other people to contribute too. In doing that, I hope to relive the good times for myself and share them at the same time. I was thinking that something like that might be a nice thing for you to do for your children (and yourself).

Do you ever write to your mom? I think that's therapeutic sometimes too.

Good for you for seeking help when you needed it, and for seeing the blessings.


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My dear dear fellow muddler.

I love you , Val, Come, read, post, don't post as it feels right to you.

I would give anything if I could curl up w/ you and children and watch those movies.

I think you are perfect just exactly as you are for what ever reason you are as you are.


just Perfect.

Brennan says lay your head on Abba's breast.

Feel His love.



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"Postiness", "finish line"...I smiled my way through reading that, nodding along the way.

I'm super-glad you went and saw someone. I warned my dr's to have the antidepressants ready to go the *moment* I delivered Xavier. I have terrible post-partum depression to go along with losing Mom. Of course...I rarely take the medicine. :roll::roll:

We understand, Val...you post or don't post as it works for *you*. We're here to love ya no matter what! I know I do for everything you helped me through, sometimes without even knowing it.

Much love to you and the family...

*Sings White Christmas* on my way out.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Muddly...what an appropriate word. As usual, you summed it all up.

My mom lost her 46-year-old dad when she was only 21, when she was pregnant with her second child - she was a total daddy's girl (the only daughter) and living far away from home, with a military husband who was gone a lot. I could see the pain in her face every time she talked about losing him - I think she was feeling what the older woman in that book you mentioned was feeling - she missed him every day, every minute, even as an older woman...

Close to the end of her illness, my mom coded in the ambulance on the way to hospice (although she didn't pass away then). My younger sister Deb was with her, and Mom was incoherant with her eyes closed, but at the moment she was coding she said, "Just one more string of lights...they're waiting for me." Deb said, "Who, Mom?" and the response was, "My mom and dad..."

I try to take a small measure of comfort in that, thinking my mom had her parents up there waiting for her with open arms, and also that my mom is up there and I will see her again someday, although I know for us someday could be very far away.

But you know what, it still just hurts, living in THIS world without her. Just want you to know I understand, I get it, I know the "muddly" feeling so well...

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Oh sweetie, I know how you feel. Moms are just irreplacible...

I am not an every minute every day missing my mom but it just comes in spirts now and then. When that happens the memories of her hugs and kisses and her wonderful smile overwhelms me. I miss her so much.

I'm just so fortunate to have had her for so long. But just because she was 95 when she passed 2 years ago I don't think it makes it any easier than one losing a mom who goes well before their time.

But what I am thankful for and fortunate is that she lived to see many grandchldren grow up and some made her a great grandmom before she passed. I pray that it that way for me.

That part I can't imagine is the hurt of not having her share all those special memories of times that happens in her children's and grandchilden's lives. For that my heart really goes out to all who lose their moms so young.

I feel for you Val, I know how much you loved her and how much she loved you.

I know the holidays are acceptionalbly hard for so many who have lost a love one. The memories are so painful especailly at this time when everything is merry and bright...

I do believe like you, that your mom is around at times when you need her most.

There nothing wrong in seeking out help. In fact that is the thing to do.

Take care and hang strong. Give your beautiful daughters an extra hug.

I love Terri's idea about making a memory book. Maybe you can make that for your girls with pictures full of memories so she can live on through them also.

Take care and have a nice holiday and know that your mom is there with a beaming smile for you all.

Maryanne :wink:

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